Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2014 Brings Big Changes in the Solar System

HAPPY NEW YEAR simple peasants with no fashion sense!  We are starting this thing off with a bang!  This is not a time to tell you what we want to do this year.  It's no time to be hopeful for improvement.  This is a time for confident and assured action.  In 2014, Crock Inc is going to relocate Saturn!   Yes, the planet.  We will bring it closer to Earth so it can be viewed in the night sky, rings and all.  This will make for some great photos and confuse the shit out of wolves (we've hated wolves from day one and they deserve this).

This year, we will kill every last wasp on the planet and at least half of the ones from outer space.  They suck.  Really bad.

We are committed to preserving this nation's wetlands so future generations may never go there just as we were blessed to never have gone there. 

What the hell is wrong with Beyonce?  Oh, wait.  That's Mariah Carey.  My bad.

Anyway, in this new tiny baby infant year that has flopped gracefully from the uterus of 2013 just now, Crock Inc will invent a new word.  Not immediatley, but later in the year.  Maybe In March, or neither.  (I know.  Did it on purpose.)

If you are wondering what changes are being made immediatley, here they are:

We will no longer be using the word "talliwhacker".
We no longer accept American Express.
We suddenly love baked beans.
Clear is now a color.
All employees named Dick are promoted to the head of "in charge".
The company librarian is now a demon named Fractumettik who feasts on silence and puppies.
Lies are now called "misleading tales of untruth meant to mislead for you own damn good". 

You know, just the standard stuff. 

Obviously this will be a hell of a year, but if you don't shut your mouth we'll have you appointed Secretary of Last Year, also effective immediately.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

5(10) Things You Should Never Run With

A Public Service Announcement.

Why anyone would want to run is beyond me, but I know some folks rather enjoy it.  Here is some advice for those people.  Some things to consider.  A reminder that safety is the key to safety.  Being safe is way less dangerous than being dangerous.  You runners know this.  That's why you'll print the list below and read it while you run down the street. You'll text it to your running buddies who will read it while they run.  You'll tweet it while you drive to the spot where you will ultimately begin your run.  You'll wear your running helmet?  That's a question.  Do you even own a running helmet?  Wow!  You need this more than I thought.  In a moment,  I will provide a list of 5(10) things that you shouldn't run with, off the top of my head. But first, I think I speak for all of us here at Crock Inc. when I say "those running pants are the exact right size for you".  

Ok.  The list.  Off the top of my head. This is so easy.  Brains needed = none.

#1 Scissors
#2 Pencils
#3 Broadswords
#4 That idea you had last night after the bottle of bourbon
#5 A tiny baby
#6 The wrong crowd
#7 The Devil
#8 Large floppy breasts
#9 Polio
#10 Cops chasing you
#16 A blindfold
#22 Conviction

There! That's 5(10)(22)(12) things you shouldn't run with.  I bet that the armies of medieval times lost at least 30% of their eyes simply by running with those sharp weapons.  You'll never see a barber run, ever.  4, 5, 6, and 10 above are all related and I have witnessed these simultaneously.  I don't want to talk about it.  Van Halen was guilty of #7 and look what happened to them.  I could write another entire post on things you shouldn't do while wearing a blindfold.  This whole thing makes me realize that abstinence is the only way to assure safety.    

Related post: http://crockinc.blogspot.com/2012/11/how-to-avoid-stabbing-yourself-with.html?m=1

Monday, October 21, 2013

Wanted: Decent Senator for Reasonable Price

We've had funds tagged in the budget for over five years now but just haven't pulled the trigger.  We have assembled a diverse portfolio of "public servants" during that time.  Our balance sheet now boasts three mayors, fifteen counsel members from various cities, twelve county executives, and the entire school board of Brownstown, Illinois.  We also have invested in a couple of Governors from states you've never heard of.  We dropped significant coin on those bastards.  The mail carrier from rural route 3 in ZIP code 45121 was ours but we traded him to Pillsbury for a meter reader and a dog catcher from Milwaukee.  Oh!  Almost forgot about the congressmen.  We have eight in all.  Mostly from the northern plains but we did pick up a set of Ohio representatives at a blind auction back in April.  They were in a mixed basket with some judges and a public defender.  Got lucky there.

With all of the elected officials that we own,  you'd think we would have a pretty easy road.  Not so.  We couldn't get a simple Tax deference on our multi-million dollar sewage sorting facility.  

After some research,  we've determined that we really need to go out and finally purchase at least one Senator.  Pfizer has two, and look at them!  GE has two as well.  They had another one but he became President so it got too expensive for them.  They sold him to a General Motors.  But still,  its awful damn obvious that owning Senators is a sound business investment.  Look at Phillip Morris.  No Senators owned.  Enron; same thing.  Mircosoft, Apple,  and Google have 74 Senators combined and they are currently planning to market and sell actual human brains.

That settles it for us.  We know we have got to buy a Senator.  If you know of anyone ready to sell, drop us a line.  We're willing to deal.....and we aren't picky.  We'll take a New Jersey, an Indiana, a Texas...no....we'll never get a Texas this time of year...one of the Dakotas would be nice.  Just please, no California's or Hawaii's.  Can you say "high maintenance"?  Basically anywhere else will do as long as they come with some kind of warranty and don't have any past history of abuse.  They'll need a clean title and we do ask to see the SenatorFax.

Contact us on Facebook if you have any leads.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Summer Camp Offers Degree Programs

If you pay attention, you will learn something. Actually, you'll have to pay tuition also, but they won't tell you that. And, if you aren't paying attention, they'll take your money for books too. You'll learn something alright; School is a scam. Get out while you can. Instead, Enroll in one of our summer camps. These incredibly condensed classroom and hands-on training programs are the latest rage. And if you enroll by May 20th you'll receive a free pencil.

The camps feature our patented "mini-major" programs. Earn your masters in just one week! It's like graduate school in a can. McDegree? Yes please! I'll take two.

Here is a partial list of one-week camps offered this year and the degree earned in each:

-Advanced Hypnosis for Beginners (Psychiatry)
-Fog is Weather Too (Meteorology)
-The Universe is Huge (Astronomy)
-You Can't Do That Because of the Constitution (Law)
-You Can Probably Get Away with That if They don't Check the Constitution (Political Science)
-Shapes and Numbers (Rocket Surgery)
-Turkey Carving (Biology)
-Fire is Hot and this is How We Know (Physics)
-What's the F'n Point Anyway? (Philosophy)
-How Many Keg Stands Before You Puke (Medicine)
-Cupcakes and Sex (Health)
-Never Take a Wallet-full of Twenties to a Strip Club (Economics)
-Tax Code Basics and Suicide Intervention (Accounting)
-How to Hire the Hottest Secretary (Business management)

For a Complete listing of camps and schedules, check back here every chance you get. Prices vary from $50.00 to $36-million per camp.

Happy learning!

Monday, February 4, 2013

We Used To Get The Cheapies

"No Mom! Not the Rustler jeans! Can't you at least get me Levi's?"

We never had the good stuff as kids. We had stuff, but it was usually pretty shitty. Side note: I keep saying "we" but i really don't know who I'm talking about other than myself. For that matter I have no idea who I'm talking TO, so if you had shitty stuff as a kid, please raise your hand.

Oh, I see most of us products of the baby boom have our hands up. The Gen Xers. How many of you know why your parents bought you the generic off-brand clothing and the "store brand" food? ....Raise your other hand. If you have both hands up at this point, then I'm sorry you won't be able to scroll anymore.

Your weekly lunch menu:

Mon/Tues: leftovers from Sunday's hot dog dinner
Wed: bologna sandwich and saltine crackers
Thurs: peanut butter sandwich (no jelly) and saltine crackers
Fri: saltine cracker sandwich

Our parents loved saving money. "A penny saved is a penny earned" they used to say. So frugal. Some would say "cheap". But before you continue rattling off adjectives that are synonymous with "tight ass" you should know that they wanted to save money so that they could give it to YOU. See, they were raised with shitty stuff too, only their stuff was someone else's stuff before it was theirs. Double shitty. Their parents, (your grandparents) wouldn't have had any stuff at all if they hadn't made it out of the stuff that someone else didn't want. They would weave together burlap bags with human hair to make sundresses and sport coats. Very itchy, and way shitty. They put shoes on horses but never had any for themselves. I guess they probably tried but nailing metal greek letters to their feet was uncomfortable. They invented croutons so they could have a reason to eat stale bread. Oh, and who could forget the ole "spit in hand/smooth down hair" maneuver?  If they knew what you spend on hairproduct they'd poop in their burplap knickers.

Anyway, as you see, each generation had it a little better than its predecessor. This happened by design. Your parents wanted you to have it better than they did. They grew up watching their parents struggle to make ends meet, to find suitable clothing and food and shelter. They honestly and sincerely hoped and wished that you would grow up and not have to sweat and slave for 18 hours a day in a coal mine or performing in the circus. They didn't want you to have to chase your dinner and then fashion a coat out of its hide.  They hoped you would find a well-paying, safe, secure, desk job so you didn't have to try hard or show up on time. So they saved and saved and saved and bought three pairs of Traxx tennis shoes from Kmart all at once because they were on sale or $3 a pair. Size 7, size 8, size 9. That way you were geared up for the next three years. Then, they banked the $150 they saved so you could go to college one day. After all, college is where you learn to get a desk job and make money, right? Raise your left index toe if you went to college but your parents didn't. See, they wished better for you.  And you thought they were just poor.  Think about it.  Do poor people drink Miller High Life, The Champagne of Beer?  Do poor people drive cars with those fancy spoke wheels?  No, of course not.  Your parents weren't poor, they were withholding. Maybe waiting for you to get your head out of your ass and go to college, or maybe waiting for you to grow up and be able to handle a large inheritance in the $13-$14,000 range. 

Unbeknownst to them at the time, they were setting themselves up for something far worse than circus kids. They unwittingly set in motion a chain of events that would eventually unfold in the resulting terror of......you guessed it.....spoiled grandchildren.

That's right. All that "wanting better" for us worked. We had it better. So, since that worked so well, we took the idea and improved upon it. We still want our kids to have it better than we did, we just removed that parts that suck. We immediately removed the sacrifice of wearing shitty and unpopular clothes. It was obvious that had to go. Only the latest fashions for our heirs. We thought about the whole "saving for college" thing but decided it would be better if our offspring remained at the top of the cool charts by having the most apps on their ipads. Really, what we've done is paid the kids their inheritance up front. That way they aren't burdened with a lump sum when we expire.  Plus, we want to be around to see them invest it all in Monster drinks and twizzlers.

We've taken our parents exit strategy to the next level. We are building a society of children who will make sure that the following generation has it easier than they do. By the time our grand kids are running the show everyone will probably have forgotten how to read and lost the ability survive in direct sunlight. They will spend many hours debating things like the seaworthiness of assorted pebbles,  or the reasons it would be cool to have extra thumbs. In short, they will be ungrateful little pricks with no common sense, just like us. 

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Thinking up a List of Things to put on a List

Ok. First post, new year. Time to totally impress your sox out. Where to start? I have so much knowledge that I know. There are so many things I can teach you that it is difficult to relate them in any particular order. Lets make a list of the experiences and wisdom-inducing events in my cranial cortex medulla lobe. Of course, I'll want to end with the first thing that comes to mind. Since it is the first thing that comes to mind it must the easiest to remember, so there is a better chance I won't forget it while I present you with the rest of the situations that I'm trying to remember.

Maybe starting with the second thing that comes to mind would be a good strategy. That way I can think of the other things while I tell you about this second most memorable situation. Once I am finished with this one, I hope to have two or three more of the scenarios recalled from the memory banks. If I have three of them, I will share the third one of the three (fifth overall) first (second overall), then proceed with the first and second (third and fourth overall, respectively). If I only come up with two things during that time, then I will just relay them in no particular order except the order in which I thought of them.

Then, as I am relaying those two or three items, I will have time to think of the other things I wanted to make known to you. The order in which I think of them will not necessarily be the order in which I present them to you, but it might be. I haven't decided yet. Oh, and the number of items
I present to you will be determined in large part by the number of items which I remember from the remembering banks.

So before I get started with the first item on my list, which is the second thing that comes to mind, I should also disclose the fact that I am actually still trying to think of something. See, the second thing that comes to mind hasn't come to mind just yet. It is possible that the first thing that came to mind is so incredible and important that it is preventing thought beyond itself, but I doubt it. It is also likely that I am writing all this needless filler to buy time while I think of something to write, which is actually using up my thinking resources so that I do not have the capacity to think of something else. Na. That's not it either.

Oh! Wait! Got it! The second thing just came to me. Wow! Now as I think about it, its really not all that good anyway and I don't want to talk about it. So that leaves me no time to think of those next two or three things. All I have left is the first thing that came to mind. I should have just started with that like a normal person. I'm so stupid sometimes. No, retract that. I'm never stupid sometimes.

Anyway, back to the list of things you need to know, which is not really a list at this point.....but it presents itself as the perfect example of precisely my point that first came to mind which I planned to share with you last. So here it is...at last: You need more than one item to make a list.