Monday, November 10, 2008

Frequent Urination Will Not Be Tolerated


You have been leaving your desk four times per day for the past three days. Half way through day number 2, I started watching (stalking) you. You leave your desk and walk down the hall into the ladies room. You remain inside for between 2 minutes and 13 seconds to 3 minutes and 54 seconds. You then exit the ladies room and return to your desk.

I think you see where I'm going with this. I can only imagine what you are doing in there. I suspect you are urinating. I also suspect that sometimes you fail to wash your hands. You disgust me. Sicko! You are wasting over 12 minutes per day of the company's time. How could you be so irresponsible? You are a dirty thief and filthy liar. While you dilly dally on the pot for an hour per week, the rest of your department remains at their desk. They only leave for mandatory breaks, lunch, and a ten minute smoke break every hour. When they feel like leaving their desks in between, they instead play solitaire or minesweeper or surf inappropriate material on the web or make personal phone calls.

If you value your job, you will take up smoking or find other, less-obvious ways to waste company time. This is your only warning. Get with the program. There is no room in this company for lazy cancerous festering disrespectful careless oozing derelict poopie pants like you.

Also, it's your turn to restock the bacon dispenser. Don't even think about bring the turkey kind again....and please, for the love of all that is good and holy, wash your hands!