Thursday, March 24, 2016

I've Heard Rumors

Rumors are fun. I'm not sure how they start but when one gets momentum it seems to travel the world in a day.  The really good ones usually involve some major product or brand that people love and use all the time.  And they're usually designed to scare the ever-lovin-bejeevers out of the average housewife. I would just like to share a few of the rumors that I've heard told by assholes or seen spread around social media by vegans.  There is not really any point to this but you can discuss these with yourself or your friends if you have any.

I'm sure you've heard, McDonald's McRib sandwich is made out of cardboard and probably recycled sandals or loafers. That's the rumor. The Chicken McNuggets are made out of mostly pink toothpaste with some hot dog added for color. Some hot dogs have chicken in them but this is the only chicken that has hot dogs in it. (Note: potential new grillin' favorite; hot dog stuffed chicken). Speaking of hot dogs; I have a feeling that they are made with pieces of animal carcass that wolves leave behind.  And they mix the animals together in those things too!  Cow snouts and pigs rectum in the same sausage, cavorting with chicken entrails.  Who cares? Yummy!

Procter and Gamble worship Satan. I don't even know where that one came from.  Is there a Mr. Procter and Mr. Gamble who conduct ritualistic animal sacrifices on the weekends, but during the week they invent things like the "quicker picker upper"?  Do they drink the blood of a tiny innocent lamb at night while, during the day, blessing the world with diapers that don't leak piss all over Grandma?  I guess so. You do know that when you put Pampers on your baby you  are giving them over to the devil, right? I'll bet you $400,000 P&G at some point invited Mr. Oscar Mayer to one of those weekend rituals and ole Oscar invented hot dogs right there on the spot.  You know? Because...the carcasses....

Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey contains high levels of some kind of toxin that makes you die.  I know it contains high levels of a toxin that makes you more fun for about an hour, then it makes you piss yourself and throw up on a stranger.  I'm not sure where the dying part happens.  Maybe the stranger who you puked on kills you or maybe you just go home and die later.  Not necessarily later that night, but probably sometime years, maybe even decades later.  All of us who have tried Fireball have to face up to the fact that we will one day die because of the toxin it contains.  I think that toxin is either antifreeze or the stuff that they put in the radiators of cars.  Maybe both.  Anyway, Fireball's slogan is "Tastes like heaven, Burns like hell".  Nice, considering you may go to one or the other immediately within decades of drinking it.  I guess if you go to the latter you can get the scoop on Procter and Gamble straight from the Satanist's mouth  I think that's how the saying goes.

This one is more pleasant.  Kind of a feel-good rumor.  And quite right for the season by total coincidence.  I'm only calling it a rumor because there are a few deniers out there who say this isn't true. I guess the rumor is the denial rather than the other way around.  Anyway, the all natural, organic, wholesome and nutritious Cadbury Creme Egg is, I believe, a REAL egg laid by one very special bunny rabbit.  Loaded with protein and Omega 3 fatty acids these delectable treats are an Easter-time favorite (the eggs, not the bunny).  When you bite, the chocolate-like shell gives way to the sweet and creamy goodness of the potential-future-baby-rabbit sauce inside.  You would never get a kid to eat a raw chicken egg, shell and all, yet they'll suck these down like they're candy.  But they're NOT.  Like I said, they are REAL eggs laid by this one certain bunny who has been pampered and protected and kept alive since 1963 by all means necessary so as not to lose this wonderful resource. Now some good news and bad news: the good news is that the eggs will never hatch.  The people who enjoy eating them can chomp away guilt free knowing they are not taking the life of a cute wittle bunny wabbit before it even develops.  The bad news is that the eggs will never hatch. It means there will never be another Cadbury bunny.  At least not one that can lay these delightful snacks.  This bunny is one of a kind.  A national treasure.  You would think "maybe the Easter bunny lays these eggs".  But this is a different bunny.  A real bunny.  The Easter bunny looks more like a guy in a rabbit costume than a regular.....OMG!!  The Easter bunny is a guy in a rabbit costume!

Ha ha ha!  I got you there.  Just trying to start a rumor of my own.  First, a taste of heaven, then I'm off to McDonald's.  I wish they sold hot dogs.