Saturday, September 16, 2017

Four Bad and Deadly Work Habits That Will Kill You Completely Dead

You are doing some things at work that are going to kill you completely dead.  If you are okay with that, you can stop reading this right now.

Since you are still reading, it means that you, like many Americans, do not want to be killed completely dead.  (You'd prefer somewhere between not-quite-dead and slightly injured, I guess). This is good, because that means you have NOT developed the first bad and deadly work habit on our list of bad and deadly work habits that will kill you completely dead, which is; stopping reading things.

Stopping Reading Things
Listen! I understand that reading is boring.  I understand that we all would rather just have someone tell us about the important parts of any written piece.  When we look at an article, for example, we quickly scan headline to determine if we need to read it. Even if we do decide we need to read it, we probably will skim a few words in the first paragraph or two and call it good.  Turn the page. Keep scrolling.  Then, "Oh look!  Dunkin' Donuts has a new breakfast sandwich!", and we're in the car headed to Dunkin'.  Meanwhile, the rest of the article we didn't finish is trying to tell us about the outbreak of salmonella poisoning stemming from the new Dunkin Donuts breakfast sandwich.

Our diarrhea, fever, and abdominal cramps will serve as a nice reminder for us now that we know we could have avoided it all by simply not stopping reading things.  Sure, Salmonella probably won't kill you.  At least not to the point where you consider yourself completely dead. But it's not going to be a whole lot of fun.

What if the thing we stopped reading were a warning label?  If all we see is "CAUTION!", we might have a propensity to be slightly more careful for a few seconds, but we will not have any idea what to be careful of.  This is precisely why, every year in this country, over 45 million people slip on the wet floor, fall, and die from head injuries, despite the fact that the sign was right there telling them "CAUTION! WET FLOOR!".  With our busy lifestyles who has time to read those two extra words?  Well, the over 45 million people who completely died this year would probably make the time if given the chance to not slip and be killed completely dead.

Poor Posture
We have gone to great expense to provide those ergonomic office chairs so that you people will sit up straight with proper posture.  Why is this important?  Because slouching at your desk leads to death, 100% of the time.  Every single person who slouches at their desk will eventually die.  There is no arguing that.  Did you know that your spinal cord is vital to your success in your career?  Poor posture puts unnecessary and unnatural strain on this vital organ.  If your posture is poor enough, you will not be able to stand up to your boss.  Not only will you not be able to defend yourself from his ridiculous accusations and demands, you quite literally will not be able to physically stand up. Your spinal cord will shrivel up into something that resembles a crinkle-cut french fry, which immediately leads to a quick, although painless, death.

Chewing on Pens
Diarrhea, fever, and abdominal cramps are the least of the nasties you can pick up from this bad and deadly habit.  Don't believe me?  In a impartial double-blind covert surveillance mission study conducted by an outside contractor on our behalf painted a horrific picture of just what happens to pens left on desks unattended.  Video footage from the study showed a worker who left her pen on her desk when she went to the copier.  Within 3 seconds of the pen being left unattended, a coworker came by, picked up the pen, scribbled something on a piece of paper, stuck the pen in his nose and dug around a little, then returned the pen to the desk and went on about his business.

In another piece of footage, we witnessed a maintenance worker hose down an unattended pen with industrial-strength pesticide while attempting to mitigate an ant infestation.  Later, when the pen's owner returned, he picked up the pen and, without hesitation, put it directly in his mouth.  Towards the end of that video clip you can clearly see him get cancer.

While germs and contaminants are not pleasant, the study showed a far more disturbing and memorable reason to not chew on pens.  One morning, Justin Haverdasher had just filled his coffee cup and sat down at his desk to get his work day started.  As he did every morning, he picked up his pen and carelessly placed it between his teeth while reaching for the power button on his computer monitor.  Suddenly, without warning, the internal spring mechanism on his clicky-style pen failed. The little clicker piece on the end of the pen shot out of the plastic housing into Justin's mouth.  The velocity was so great that the projectile punctured his esophagus and and exited the back of his neck, becoming lodged in a cubicle divider nearly 50 feet away.  Justin died instantly and completely.

Talking in the Restroom
Freedom of speech is NOT an inalienable right in a restroom.  I'm just letting you know because some people apparently believe that the restroom is a good place to make small talk.  Those people are wrong, and here's why: talking requires one to open their mouth and exchange air through it. That's restroom air!  I don't think many people have ever died from bad smells, but I'm sure you can image what types microbes are present in that particular air.  There are tiny and very deadly molecules floating around in there, just waiting for an open mouth and flapping jaw to infiltrate and destroy.  If you are one that likes to talk in the restroom, perhaps you deserve your fate.  Logic and common sense suggest that one should hold their breath, walk in the bathroom, do their business, wash their hands, and get out of there before they suffocate.

As with previous examples, sickness is not the most dangerous consequence of this bad and deadly habit.  Some people enjoy the privacy the restroom offers.  Talking to them in this setting may make them angry. Sure, they would have to be a truly psychotic monster to get angry enough to kill someone for talking to them in the restroom, but you never know when such a monster is lurking in the next stall.  Why risk it?  Don't talk in the restroom.

In conclusion, if you didn't stop reading this, you may have gained some insight into the dangers of these bad and deadly habits that will kill you completely dead.  Perhaps you have developed one or more of these habits yourself.  If what we've written here saves one life, we've done our job.  We'd even consider it a victory if we've stopped one person from talking in the restroom.