Saturday, March 22, 2014

The Truth About James W. Kransington

He calls himself James W. Kransington. Most everyone else calls him James, or Jim.  His mom calls him Jimmy, his brother calls him Jimbo and that weird little greasy kid in the warehouse calls him "Jimmy K or the highway".  

James used to work here. He left to start a different, much less successful fake company.  He thinks he's hot shit because he has a moustache and he can bench press 2.6 tons.  He is really not a good guy.  I've heard rumors about him and I am pretty sure they're true.  Rumors usually are.  I don't like to get involved in the rumor mill but:

I've heard he reads at a fourth grade level and he has little bitty tiny balls.  As far as i know,  he has never denied either of these accusations.

I've also heard that he eats a live goat every morning for breakfast.  Probably washes it down with a raw egg.  It may sound hard to believe but, if you ever met this guy, you'd believe it.  He has never issued any statements refuting this claim.

Some people say he is tall.  We may never be able to prove it, but you can bet we're going to try.  If it turns out he is indeed tall, we have a plan to exploit that weakness . It starts with alerting the media and ends with bloodshed and jail time for someone.  I don't know who for sure yet.  Probably Hank Supernueva, the hit man I'm going to hire.

James W. Kransington once had a dog named Bravo who killed seven old ladies and a nursing home administrator for no good reason. I guess it isn't really all that big of a deal, but I heard about it, so I thought I would pass it along while I'm giving you the scoop on the guy.

I'm almost positive he has a dominatrix in his top desk drawer.

He drinks on the job every day and he's having an affair with Bill Gregory, the night anchor from Channel 9 news.  Everyone knows.  Its been well documented I think.

One day, when I was walking down the hall behind him, his jacket was sort if stuck in his belt and I could clearly see he has a tail, like a lizard.  

Don't trust this guy!  He steals girl scout cookies.  
He has never paid a dime in taxes.  
He owns more than one food processor.
He collects hair samples from public restrooms.
And worst of all, he whitens his teeth!  I am not even joking.

Jimmy K or the Highway lied on his resume.  
He NEVER washes his ass crack.  
He weighs more than his drivers license says.  
He's nowhere near as good looking as his profile picture.  
He has prosthetic ears.

When James was 13, he went to prison for raping a pair of shoes.

I swear on my honor that he is half robot. His body is full of circuitry.  He plugs himself into the power outlet at his desk.  It's so obvious!

This is weird: he sleeps hanging upside down with his head in a bucket of cole slaw.

If James ever accidentally brushes against you, you will need to go to the hospital immediately.  No one knows for sure why,  but you'll only have minutes to live!

His breath smells like Rum and his feet smell like rasberry yogurt.

Don't make eye contact with James or you will turn into a stone statue of yourself only seven feet taller.  Forever.

I have a bunch more, but I am not sure if they are true.