The uproar over the little mishap is not helpful and it is unfounded. Not the mishap, but the uproar. Well, mishaps aren't helpful either, thus the name. It suggests that something happened that wasn't supposed to happen, or, something happened in a way that it was not supposed to. Hell, I'm off track. Anyway....
On Monday, Crock headquarters was notified of an incident that occurred at our distribution hub in Funkhouser, Illinois. Without going into details, the incident resulted in the spilling of a small amount of liquefied Uranium 238. Does that sound scary to you? Well let me ask this; are you a uranium expert? Are you a nuclear physicist?
If the answer is "no" to these questions, we respectfully ask that you shut your mouth about it. As stated in our press release, "the general public was never in any real danger." What part of that statement is unclear?
Although you probably have the ability to understand the statement and the common sense to accept it, it appears that many people do not. They're all in a tissy about radiation poisoning (whatever that is), and so-called "contamination" of the air and water supply in the greater Funkhouser metropolitan area. They say the risk of certain cancers, birth defects, and other adverse health impacts will linger for years to come.
First of all, uranium 238 is an isotope found in NATURALLY OCCURRING uranium ore. It only has a half-life of about 4.5 billion years in its natural state. This was liquefied, so it's half-life is less than 4.2 billion years. We have "safend" this stuff by 300 million years.
Secondly, we only spilled eight gallons of the stuff. That's not even enough to power The State of California for 27,000 years. We spill more than that on purpose during retooling.
Finally, the stuff was completely cleaned up in five minutes. Our trained staff, namely Herb Petersondalehofferdorf, former sanitation engineer and bowling team captain at the Funkhouser facility (may he rest in peace), followed emergency protocol and immediately grabbed a roll of paper towels. Not just any paper towels. We use Bounty, the quicker picker upper. When Herb realized that one roll wasn't going to cut it, he ran to grab a second roll. When he got back to the site of the spill, he found that some nice foreign men in weird full-body costumes had rolled up their sleeves (figuratively) and were actively gathering the spill into nice metallic containers.
Herb died a few minutes later of natural causes, but before he did he told us not to worry. He said the cleanup was complete and the material was being shipped to Iran so it wouldn't be a problem for us any longer.
I don't know about you, but I feel more comfortable believing the last words of a dying janitor than all these mad scientists and witch doctors. The other six employees at the plant didn't even get sick*, why should an entire metro area be worried?
There is nothing here to worry about. The problem has been contained.....in nice metallic containers....and shipped to Iran. I think they use it for fertilizer or hot sauce or something. Some damn fine salsa, I'm told.
*As of this post, none of the employees of the FDH have reported to work since the incident and their families have been calling wondering if they are working late....since Monday.
On a side note: we are now hiring at our Funkhouser Distribution Hub. All positions. Flexible schedule, competitive pay, excellent benefits package including health insurance, 401-K, danger, mystery, and intrigue. Interested individuals should post questions and qualifications on our facebook wall.
Showing posts with label News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label News. Show all posts
Friday, April 13, 2012
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Crock Purchases Global Climate Change
Once they changed the name of "Global Warming" to "Climate Change" we knew it was a crock. Now, since we have been proven correct, we thought it was time to make this thing one of ours. We purchased it. That's right, Crock, Inc. now owns Global Climate Change.
Is it too hot where you live? Not to worry, we'll be there to scoop up some of your hot and transport it too somewhere cold using nothing but sweet-talk and happy thoughts. Then, you guessed it, we move the cold over to the hot by wishing upon a star(I have yet to hear a good explanation as to what happens after we remove the hot but before we replace it with cold. It's probably something like Nebraska). Got unwanted rain? There are other places that could use it. Our specialized scientists and can "magic" the atmosphere by singing "Rain Rain Go Away". Yes they can actually change the climate around the globe.
I know what you're thinking; "Bullshit!"
But wait, the bullshit is you! See, you've already forgotten that we are the most superior. There are a few things you never do: Don't flip off a police officer, don't eat a fat man's last cupcake, and never call bullshit on Crock, Inc. Speaking of bullshit, did I mention that cow farts (and Energy Ninjas) were included in the purchase. Yessir indeed. Apparently they help the climate with it's new and improved changin' action.
Google this and see what you get; "global warming crock". Yeah. It's gotten some press. That's why we've decided that it will now be known as " Global Climate Change, L.L.C., a wholly-owned subsidiary of Crock, Inc.".
Call me on Monday. We'll do lunch. Bullshit.
Is it too hot where you live? Not to worry, we'll be there to scoop up some of your hot and transport it too somewhere cold using nothing but sweet-talk and happy thoughts. Then, you guessed it, we move the cold over to the hot by wishing upon a star(I have yet to hear a good explanation as to what happens after we remove the hot but before we replace it with cold. It's probably something like Nebraska). Got unwanted rain? There are other places that could use it. Our specialized scientists and can "magic" the atmosphere by singing "Rain Rain Go Away". Yes they can actually change the climate around the globe.
I know what you're thinking; "Bullshit!"
But wait, the bullshit is you! See, you've already forgotten that we are the most superior. There are a few things you never do: Don't flip off a police officer, don't eat a fat man's last cupcake, and never call bullshit on Crock, Inc. Speaking of bullshit, did I mention that cow farts (and Energy Ninjas) were included in the purchase. Yessir indeed. Apparently they help the climate with it's new and improved changin' action.
Google this and see what you get; "global warming crock". Yeah. It's gotten some press. That's why we've decided that it will now be known as " Global Climate Change, L.L.C., a wholly-owned subsidiary of Crock, Inc.".
Call me on Monday. We'll do lunch. Bullshit.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
H1N1- There's not much time. Please Panic Quickly.
Please remain hysterical! The H1N1 virus will surely kill you this winter. Our advice: start looting right now! (Actually, you should probably contact our legal department. We have arranged for each and every employee to receive a free will and testament to insure that your legacy does not end up being divided by the state. Instead, it will go directly to the hands of the only people who have the ability to spend it responsibly, Crock ,Inc.)
If you would like to prolong your certain death you can try washing your hands every 2 1/2 minutes, wear a breathing mask, and never ever leaving your house. Myself, I can't figure out why anyone would want to prolong it. Once this first wave of swine flu makes its rounds, civilization as we know it will cease to exist....and that's the good news.
The bad news is, even if you don't have the swine flu, you do have the swine flu. If your doctor tests you for something that is not the swine flu, and it comes back positive, then you probably have the swine flu. It's hopeless, really.
I read an article in the Arnold-Imperial Leader (a Missouri newspaper) with the headline; Two students from Windsor reported to have swine flu. Obviously, the headline is enough. There is no need to read the actual story, especially not the second paragraph where it states the the doctor did not actually test these kids for the H1N1 virus, but they tested positive for Influenza Type A. "But", the article said, "It is most likely that theses kids have swine flu because its too early for the regular flu."
Isn't that precious? We use this type of thinking quite often here at Crock, Inc. Like when we receive a complaint about our products or services. We tell the complainers that we'll get to the bottom of it. Then we ask a satisfied customer if they have ever experienced the same problem. As you might guess, they usually answer "no". Then we call the complaining bitch/moaner back and tell them that we checked into it and it appears that there is no problem whatsoever because we tested another customer and they are fine. We tell them to grab another bag of Cheetos and sit there in their own filth and try to figure out how to bother someone else with their incessant whining. "Don't ever call us again", we say. "Let not the word Crock pass through your lips again in this life. Pull your blinds tight lest the outside world see your shame in the light of day. Do not leave your house of unsanitary bliss. That should keep you healthy for a while longer. But of course you are doomed anyway."
Our official policy on the swine flu pandemic is as follows: Whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.
Please refrain from taking measures to reduce the spread of this virus so that we will all become stronger unless we are dead. And by all means, Panic quickly.
Thank You.
If you would like to prolong your certain death you can try washing your hands every 2 1/2 minutes, wear a breathing mask, and never ever leaving your house. Myself, I can't figure out why anyone would want to prolong it. Once this first wave of swine flu makes its rounds, civilization as we know it will cease to exist....and that's the good news.
The bad news is, even if you don't have the swine flu, you do have the swine flu. If your doctor tests you for something that is not the swine flu, and it comes back positive, then you probably have the swine flu. It's hopeless, really.
I read an article in the Arnold-Imperial Leader (a Missouri newspaper) with the headline; Two students from Windsor reported to have swine flu. Obviously, the headline is enough. There is no need to read the actual story, especially not the second paragraph where it states the the doctor did not actually test these kids for the H1N1 virus, but they tested positive for Influenza Type A. "But", the article said, "It is most likely that theses kids have swine flu because its too early for the regular flu."
Isn't that precious? We use this type of thinking quite often here at Crock, Inc. Like when we receive a complaint about our products or services. We tell the complainers that we'll get to the bottom of it. Then we ask a satisfied customer if they have ever experienced the same problem. As you might guess, they usually answer "no". Then we call the complaining bitch/moaner back and tell them that we checked into it and it appears that there is no problem whatsoever because we tested another customer and they are fine. We tell them to grab another bag of Cheetos and sit there in their own filth and try to figure out how to bother someone else with their incessant whining. "Don't ever call us again", we say. "Let not the word Crock pass through your lips again in this life. Pull your blinds tight lest the outside world see your shame in the light of day. Do not leave your house of unsanitary bliss. That should keep you healthy for a while longer. But of course you are doomed anyway."
Our official policy on the swine flu pandemic is as follows: Whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.
Please refrain from taking measures to reduce the spread of this virus so that we will all become stronger unless we are dead. And by all means, Panic quickly.
Thank You.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Accountant Eaten by Spreadsheet!!
I tried to warn him but he wouldn't listen. I told him that I make a mean spreadsheet. He insisted that the only way he could prepare my taxes this year was for me to send him the information in a spreadsheet.
Now, he's gone forever. Taken by the meanest spreadsheet ever created. As we mourn the loss of our corporate accountant, Wendell C. Ventriliquismith, we remember the good times. We recall how his face used to light up when he talked about numbers. We remember how he used to run out of his office at 12:01am April 16th and down a gallon of Chivas Regal, bust the bottle over his head and pass out for six weeks. We're gonna miss that.
Now, for what got him. It was a thing of beauty. 134657 rows. 27842 columns. Color coded. Massive overlapping formulas and interlocking tables. Hidden data. Elaborate marcos with thought translation which enabled the user to think of data and it would instantly appear in the proper fields. I embedded an application that doubles as an electric razor and another that seizes the building environmental control system and matches the weather inside with the weather outside (it rained in Wendell's office yesterday). I even included an earth-friendly feature that turns Carbon Dioxide into bubblegum for the kids. It made time travel possible. My favorite was the formatting of the cells in row 90443. That's the one where dollar signs look like little snakes that whistle the tune of "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran. But that's not what got our buddy Wendell. Apparently he tried to copy and paste within the spreadsheet, which is a big no-no. It briefly altered the fabric of space and time, creating a tiny tear in the universe just long enough to vacuum poor Wendell from his ergonomically-designed accounting chair and into the void forever.
While we're saddened by the parting of our wonderful bean-counter, we cannot prove that he is actually dead and he was volunteering to do my taxes so this is not considered a work-related death. Therefore we do not have to reset the "Days Without a Work-related Death" scoreboard. It will remain at 21. If we make it through today, it will be a new company record of 22 consecutive days without a work-related death. Congratulations everyone!
BTW - we now have an opening in the accounting department.
Now, he's gone forever. Taken by the meanest spreadsheet ever created. As we mourn the loss of our corporate accountant, Wendell C. Ventriliquismith, we remember the good times. We recall how his face used to light up when he talked about numbers. We remember how he used to run out of his office at 12:01am April 16th and down a gallon of Chivas Regal, bust the bottle over his head and pass out for six weeks. We're gonna miss that.
Now, for what got him. It was a thing of beauty. 134657 rows. 27842 columns. Color coded. Massive overlapping formulas and interlocking tables. Hidden data. Elaborate marcos with thought translation which enabled the user to think of data and it would instantly appear in the proper fields. I embedded an application that doubles as an electric razor and another that seizes the building environmental control system and matches the weather inside with the weather outside (it rained in Wendell's office yesterday). I even included an earth-friendly feature that turns Carbon Dioxide into bubblegum for the kids. It made time travel possible. My favorite was the formatting of the cells in row 90443. That's the one where dollar signs look like little snakes that whistle the tune of "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran. But that's not what got our buddy Wendell. Apparently he tried to copy and paste within the spreadsheet, which is a big no-no. It briefly altered the fabric of space and time, creating a tiny tear in the universe just long enough to vacuum poor Wendell from his ergonomically-designed accounting chair and into the void forever.
While we're saddened by the parting of our wonderful bean-counter, we cannot prove that he is actually dead and he was volunteering to do my taxes so this is not considered a work-related death. Therefore we do not have to reset the "Days Without a Work-related Death" scoreboard. It will remain at 21. If we make it through today, it will be a new company record of 22 consecutive days without a work-related death. Congratulations everyone!
BTW - we now have an opening in the accounting department.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Secure the Northern Border First - If the Geese are any Indication
Perhaps you've heard, a couple of Geese tried to assassinate everyone aboard an Airbus A320 leaving Laguardia Airport on Thursday. They failed, thanks to the pilot's mad skills.
Despite what you might think, the Mexicans were not involved. I know it's hard to believe, but these were Canadian Geese. Canadians, especially the French ones, have never been known for their bravery or selfless acts. But these geese apparently had a mission, one that they knew would ultimately lead to their death. Nevertheless they gave their lives in an attempt to kill the passengers of the jet. That's not to say that the geese are to be heralded as heros. On the contrary. This was a cowardly act that deserves our immediate response.
I have ordered our defense contracting division to re-calibrate the existing secret missile defense system in conjunction with the Distant Early Warning (DEW) radar and satellite network watching the skies over the Canadian border. The re-calibration will allow the early detection and elimination of migratory birds and other flying organisms as they cross our Northern border, allowing the prompt destruction of such airborne enemies.
We must act. These were just geese. If a goose or two can bring down a jet, imagine the damage a flying Canadian human could do. It's almost unthinkable. Picture their flailing bodies plummeting from the skies and throwing themselves into jet engines, or worse, buildings. We must pre-empt this pending attack. I am prepared to do what it takes. Are you with me?
Despite what you might think, the Mexicans were not involved. I know it's hard to believe, but these were Canadian Geese. Canadians, especially the French ones, have never been known for their bravery or selfless acts. But these geese apparently had a mission, one that they knew would ultimately lead to their death. Nevertheless they gave their lives in an attempt to kill the passengers of the jet. That's not to say that the geese are to be heralded as heros. On the contrary. This was a cowardly act that deserves our immediate response.
I have ordered our defense contracting division to re-calibrate the existing secret missile defense system in conjunction with the Distant Early Warning (DEW) radar and satellite network watching the skies over the Canadian border. The re-calibration will allow the early detection and elimination of migratory birds and other flying organisms as they cross our Northern border, allowing the prompt destruction of such airborne enemies.
We must act. These were just geese. If a goose or two can bring down a jet, imagine the damage a flying Canadian human could do. It's almost unthinkable. Picture their flailing bodies plummeting from the skies and throwing themselves into jet engines, or worse, buildings. We must pre-empt this pending attack. I am prepared to do what it takes. Are you with me?
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Blagojebitchin' (and FlankSham's Plan for Domination)
To Start, it's ILL-i-NOY, not, ILL-i-NOYZ. That lesson is for the left and right coast media folk who were saddled with the burden of being stuck in flyover country to cover the story and think up a clever name for it, like "Blagogate". Freakin' wizards you are!
Now, on to the people of Illinois. This in not your problem. You see, most people in this country don't realize that Illinois is a real state. Most people hear "Illinois", but think its a synonym for "Chicago". Or maybe they think Illinois is the Native American word for "Place where Chicago lives", and that Chicago is the Native American word for "Large Center of Culture and Industry accidentally located beside a lake instead of the ocean".
Whatever they think, they are missing the fact that 13 million people call Illinois home. Five million of these people live in Cook County and another 3 million in the counties that surround it. (Don't look it up. Just trust me.) So there are like 8 million out of the 13 million state residents who live in "Chicagoland". That makes it very easy for Chicago to run the state. The problem is, even Chicago residents forget that there is life below Joliet. A roving band of wild political attack-dogs could rampage through the mighty kingdom of Chi-town in a matter of a week of two and effectively turn elections. When this happens, the end result is an anomaly, a political abnormality that would never occur naturally. For example, someone named Rod gets elected Governor.
Since natural elections cannot occur in the state of Illinois, our man Flanksham has us covered. You see, for years now Flanksham has been operating a little-known division of Crock, Inc. out of a garage somewhere south of Beecher City, Illinois. The multi-million dollar Military-Grade Voice and Data Network Infrastructure Surplus Materials Resale Division is unofficially the world's largest e-Bay store.
FlankSham has formulated a plan to take back the state in which his division operates. As he puts it, "If you're going to take over the world, you gotta start in Illinois".
Under this plan, FlankSham will use revenue's generated from his MGVDNISMR Division to fund a program he calls "Operation Stay Home Chicago". The operation begins with the 2012 election cycle. In exchange for all Chicago area voters staying home on election day and not casting ballots, program operatives will retrofit the lockers of each member of the Chicago Cubs Team with pictures of a real true genuine official World Series Ring. That should keep them happy for another hundred-plus years. Not to mention, it allows downstate voters to have a voice. That's the American way!
Thank You FlankSham!
Now, on to the people of Illinois. This in not your problem. You see, most people in this country don't realize that Illinois is a real state. Most people hear "Illinois", but think its a synonym for "Chicago". Or maybe they think Illinois is the Native American word for "Place where Chicago lives", and that Chicago is the Native American word for "Large Center of Culture and Industry accidentally located beside a lake instead of the ocean".
Whatever they think, they are missing the fact that 13 million people call Illinois home. Five million of these people live in Cook County and another 3 million in the counties that surround it. (Don't look it up. Just trust me.) So there are like 8 million out of the 13 million state residents who live in "Chicagoland". That makes it very easy for Chicago to run the state. The problem is, even Chicago residents forget that there is life below Joliet. A roving band of wild political attack-dogs could rampage through the mighty kingdom of Chi-town in a matter of a week of two and effectively turn elections. When this happens, the end result is an anomaly, a political abnormality that would never occur naturally. For example, someone named Rod gets elected Governor.
Since natural elections cannot occur in the state of Illinois, our man Flanksham has us covered. You see, for years now Flanksham has been operating a little-known division of Crock, Inc. out of a garage somewhere south of Beecher City, Illinois. The multi-million dollar Military-Grade Voice and Data Network Infrastructure Surplus Materials Resale Division is unofficially the world's largest e-Bay store.
FlankSham has formulated a plan to take back the state in which his division operates. As he puts it, "If you're going to take over the world, you gotta start in Illinois".
Under this plan, FlankSham will use revenue's generated from his MGVDNISMR Division to fund a program he calls "Operation Stay Home Chicago". The operation begins with the 2012 election cycle. In exchange for all Chicago area voters staying home on election day and not casting ballots, program operatives will retrofit the lockers of each member of the Chicago Cubs Team with pictures of a real true genuine official World Series Ring. That should keep them happy for another hundred-plus years. Not to mention, it allows downstate voters to have a voice. That's the American way!
Thank You FlankSham!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Road Kill: Survival of the Fittest or Revival of the Mammoth?
We're not all about the profits here at Crock, Inc. We do believe in being good stewards of the earth. We, like you, are very concerned with the health of the environment and the well-being of our animal friends with whom we share our planet.
For the past seven years our research and destruction team has been researching the destruction of armadillo along Missouri roadways. Their findings may surprise you. Well, let's be honest. The bulk of you may be surprised to learn that there are armadillos to destroy along Missouri roadways. I was shocked too.
It is true. The mid-western roadways of the central portion of eastern Missouri do indeed run through armadillo territory. No one can say for certain which came first. Some evidence suggests that these lovable armored creatures may have migrated here after the industrial revolution of the central portion of eastern Missouri (1992). At any rate, during the seven year study, the frequency of armadillo road kill incidents increased from 4 in 2001 to more than 400 in 2008. That's like a million percent increase or something.
The evidence overwhelmingly points to a healthy and thriving population of armadillos in this region. Though it may also simultaneously suggest too yet as well that these creatures suck at crossing the road, it nevertheless proves that the armadillo population is on the rise.
Or does it mean that there is more traffic now? Or does it mean that evil operatives have been targeting these animals with their automobiles? The study didn't really take it into account. Actually, we ended the study after one Crock researcher and destructor made a very valid point.
He asked, "Over the past seven years, how many Woolly Mammoth carcasses have been discovered slain by vehicles along the mid-western roadways of the central portion of eastern Missouri?"
Of course, the answer is; none. He continued, "If we found a fresh woolly mammoth road kill today in this area, wouldn't it indicate that the woolly mammoth population must have been greater than we thought prior to the road kill?"
Considering that we were 100% certain that there were zero mammoth left, we had to agree. Study complete.
What did we learn? If we all pitch in and help, we truly can make a difference. The planet needs you. You can start today. Please join Crock, Inc. in conjunction with The National Society of Crazies to help, not just armadillos, but squirrels, opossum, peacock, ostrich, and even woolly mammoth co-exist and thrive in a world of fast-moving automobiles. Here's how you can help:
When you're out driving around in your SUV for no good reason, look for opportunities. Each time you see an animal cross the road, consider speeding up and hitting the creature. Imagine the possibilities? If you hit enough of a certain species, you will (as proven by our seven year study) increase the known population of that particular species. Remember, if you run down just one woolly mammoth, you will have single-handedly brought back these majestic and docile mammals from extinction.
Please visit The NSC website for more information.
For the past seven years our research and destruction team has been researching the destruction of armadillo along Missouri roadways. Their findings may surprise you. Well, let's be honest. The bulk of you may be surprised to learn that there are armadillos to destroy along Missouri roadways. I was shocked too.
It is true. The mid-western roadways of the central portion of eastern Missouri do indeed run through armadillo territory. No one can say for certain which came first. Some evidence suggests that these lovable armored creatures may have migrated here after the industrial revolution of the central portion of eastern Missouri (1992). At any rate, during the seven year study, the frequency of armadillo road kill incidents increased from 4 in 2001 to more than 400 in 2008. That's like a million percent increase or something.
The evidence overwhelmingly points to a healthy and thriving population of armadillos in this region. Though it may also simultaneously suggest too yet as well that these creatures suck at crossing the road, it nevertheless proves that the armadillo population is on the rise.
Or does it mean that there is more traffic now? Or does it mean that evil operatives have been targeting these animals with their automobiles? The study didn't really take it into account. Actually, we ended the study after one Crock researcher and destructor made a very valid point.
He asked, "Over the past seven years, how many Woolly Mammoth carcasses have been discovered slain by vehicles along the mid-western roadways of the central portion of eastern Missouri?"
Of course, the answer is; none. He continued, "If we found a fresh woolly mammoth road kill today in this area, wouldn't it indicate that the woolly mammoth population must have been greater than we thought prior to the road kill?"
Considering that we were 100% certain that there were zero mammoth left, we had to agree. Study complete.
What did we learn? If we all pitch in and help, we truly can make a difference. The planet needs you. You can start today. Please join Crock, Inc. in conjunction with The National Society of Crazies to help, not just armadillos, but squirrels, opossum, peacock, ostrich, and even woolly mammoth co-exist and thrive in a world of fast-moving automobiles. Here's how you can help:
When you're out driving around in your SUV for no good reason, look for opportunities. Each time you see an animal cross the road, consider speeding up and hitting the creature. Imagine the possibilities? If you hit enough of a certain species, you will (as proven by our seven year study) increase the known population of that particular species. Remember, if you run down just one woolly mammoth, you will have single-handedly brought back these majestic and docile mammals from extinction.
Please visit The NSC website for more information.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
To Whom It May Concrock
This is a warning:
The Archives have been opened!
After 18 years of being sealed tightly and locked (and buried) in multiple secret confidential locations unknown to everyone (even me), the original founding documents have been released (to me and only me, not you, not your Dad, not the media, but just me). I, and I alone have the documents and you will not be able to see them unless I let you. No amount of clearance waivers, security release forms, licenses, forcible sodomy, or water torture will gain you access to these things.
Having stated the above, and having made it abundantly clear to those who are able to read, as well as having been directly and straight-forwardly obvious as to the nature of the lack of any procedure to access the aforementioned documents by anyone other than myself, I will now describe to you my purposeful, deliberate, and intentional intentions for the trickle-down method of slowly leaking, or trickling, the information contained in said documents down to you, the general workforce and personnel units.
First, you will have to visit this site again later because I'm not going to share, or trickle, much of anything useful (there is nothing useful anyway) at this point. Note: SUBSCRIBING to this site is a great way to keep tabs on breaking, or trickling, information and changes to the site. It's very simple, the links are to the right, use them. It's idiot proof in most languages. Although English sometimes presents a challenge for us.
Secondly, the information contained in the documents may be presented in it's original form or not. For example: the title of the post may be the original document name, or, contrarily, conversely, and maybe even convexly squeezed into posts on other topics. Those cognizant of this will find the founding documents pertinent to all topics by virtue of their unimportance and dis-relationship to everything important. When used in the later manner, the documents will be sited as reference material for proving fiction to be false (which makes it true fiction, as previously discussed).
So, subscribe and stay tuned for excerpts or publication of documents such as:
The Mistake
The Origin of Broke
225 Horses are Bound to Kick Something
The Great Amoeba Controversy
CLOCKS and Other Miscellaneous Items of Question
File #23: Shackleford
File #72: Flabbershack and Co.
The Anatomy of a Lint Ball
--Countless P.T.B.F.O.s---
...and much more.
The Archives have been opened!
After 18 years of being sealed tightly and locked (and buried) in multiple secret confidential locations unknown to everyone (even me), the original founding documents have been released (to me and only me, not you, not your Dad, not the media, but just me). I, and I alone have the documents and you will not be able to see them unless I let you. No amount of clearance waivers, security release forms, licenses, forcible sodomy, or water torture will gain you access to these things.
Having stated the above, and having made it abundantly clear to those who are able to read, as well as having been directly and straight-forwardly obvious as to the nature of the lack of any procedure to access the aforementioned documents by anyone other than myself, I will now describe to you my purposeful, deliberate, and intentional intentions for the trickle-down method of slowly leaking, or trickling, the information contained in said documents down to you, the general workforce and personnel units.
First, you will have to visit this site again later because I'm not going to share, or trickle, much of anything useful (there is nothing useful anyway) at this point. Note: SUBSCRIBING to this site is a great way to keep tabs on breaking, or trickling, information and changes to the site. It's very simple, the links are to the right, use them. It's idiot proof in most languages. Although English sometimes presents a challenge for us.
Secondly, the information contained in the documents may be presented in it's original form or not. For example: the title of the post may be the original document name, or, contrarily, conversely, and maybe even convexly squeezed into posts on other topics. Those cognizant of this will find the founding documents pertinent to all topics by virtue of their unimportance and dis-relationship to everything important. When used in the later manner, the documents will be sited as reference material for proving fiction to be false (which makes it true fiction, as previously discussed).
So, subscribe and stay tuned for excerpts or publication of documents such as:
The Mistake
The Origin of Broke
225 Horses are Bound to Kick Something
The Great Amoeba Controversy
CLOCKS and Other Miscellaneous Items of Question
File #23: Shackleford
File #72: Flabbershack and Co.
The Anatomy of a Lint Ball
--Countless P.T.B.F.O.s---
...and much more.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Hey Captain! You Suck at Rummy!
Whoa! I'm finally back. I don't have much time as I am still being debriefed. (It has as much to do with pant-removal as it does spewing forth information).
I know you are all wondering where I've been for the past month. I am also fairly certain that everything has fallen into chaos without your fearless, honorable, handsome and modest leader. I assure you I will restore order around here once this is all over.
As you do not know, I was sailing in the Sea of Cortez in mid-July. Things went horribly wrong. Ladies and Gentlemen, you had better be sitting down for this: I was abducted by pirates. That's right. I would not doubt if they were aliens too, but definitely pirates. I cannot begin to describe the atrocities that I suffered at the hands of these barbarians. Well, maybe I could.
I was forced to play rummy for at least three hours. There was no cell service or Internet. They did have satellite TV, but just one channel, GOL-TV, soccer 24/7. I asked how they got that service. They told me it was pirated. Duh.
The one guy (I called him the Captain because of the hook) was so arrogant and demeaning that I contemplated making fun of his wooden leg, but I didn't. He claims that he beat me at rummy every time. He refuses to see that 5, 8, Jack is not a lay-downable set.
I still haven't processed the whole ordeal. Just writing about it brings the horror right back. I don't think I can continue. Please understand that I will come out of this experience stronger and more knowledgeable about soccer than ever before. And, if I ever meet the Captain again.......It's Rummy by the Rules!!
I still don't think they have a clue who they were messing with. Please refer to a previous post for our Pirate Policy.
I know you are all wondering where I've been for the past month. I am also fairly certain that everything has fallen into chaos without your fearless, honorable, handsome and modest leader. I assure you I will restore order around here once this is all over.
As you do not know, I was sailing in the Sea of Cortez in mid-July. Things went horribly wrong. Ladies and Gentlemen, you had better be sitting down for this: I was abducted by pirates. That's right. I would not doubt if they were aliens too, but definitely pirates. I cannot begin to describe the atrocities that I suffered at the hands of these barbarians. Well, maybe I could.
I was forced to play rummy for at least three hours. There was no cell service or Internet. They did have satellite TV, but just one channel, GOL-TV, soccer 24/7. I asked how they got that service. They told me it was pirated. Duh.
The one guy (I called him the Captain because of the hook) was so arrogant and demeaning that I contemplated making fun of his wooden leg, but I didn't. He claims that he beat me at rummy every time. He refuses to see that 5, 8, Jack is not a lay-downable set.
I still haven't processed the whole ordeal. Just writing about it brings the horror right back. I don't think I can continue. Please understand that I will come out of this experience stronger and more knowledgeable about soccer than ever before. And, if I ever meet the Captain again.......It's Rummy by the Rules!!
I still don't think they have a clue who they were messing with. Please refer to a previous post for our Pirate Policy.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
E. Coli De Gallo - The Taste of Summer
First, some people got sick. It must have been something they ate. Then, the piss-poor investigation began and ended with the conclusion: Someone put E-Coli in the Tomatoes (actually salmonella, but it doesn't sound as good).
Although saddened by the suffering of the individuals who were sickened, I was not upset when tomatoes were found guilty. I don't really care for them. When I pulled up to the drive up at Burger King and saw the sign explaining why there would be no tomato on any Whoppers or anything else, I was not concerned. I was going to tell them to "Hold the tomato" anyway.
I think we would all get along just fine without these fruits-maybe-vegetables-but-probably-fruits. Other than maybe the Italians. Hey Guys! What about a nice cream sauce? A white wine reduction? My friend Alfredo? Screw the red sauce dudes. We can do without.
Oh, and the Mexicans. God help us all if salsa is not available. I do enjoy tomato-based enchilada sauce, but I can live with Queso instead. However, I would appreciate it if you kindly keep your malevolent bacteria away from the jalapenos. I love those things.
That being said, wouldn't you know it? The investigation is re-opened. It seems people are still getting sick. And guess what? Like I said before, it must have been something they ate. So now the FDA or the CDC or the PTA or whatever is looking into foods commonly paired with tomatoes. They mentioned cilantro, which did not worry me. But then came the stupid part. It might be the Jalapenos! The Horror!!
I'm stockpiling my spicy green friends now before they get yanked.
Although saddened by the suffering of the individuals who were sickened, I was not upset when tomatoes were found guilty. I don't really care for them. When I pulled up to the drive up at Burger King and saw the sign explaining why there would be no tomato on any Whoppers or anything else, I was not concerned. I was going to tell them to "Hold the tomato" anyway.
I think we would all get along just fine without these fruits-maybe-vegetables-but-probably-fruits. Other than maybe the Italians. Hey Guys! What about a nice cream sauce? A white wine reduction? My friend Alfredo? Screw the red sauce dudes. We can do without.
Oh, and the Mexicans. God help us all if salsa is not available. I do enjoy tomato-based enchilada sauce, but I can live with Queso instead. However, I would appreciate it if you kindly keep your malevolent bacteria away from the jalapenos. I love those things.
That being said, wouldn't you know it? The investigation is re-opened. It seems people are still getting sick. And guess what? Like I said before, it must have been something they ate. So now the FDA or the CDC or the PTA or whatever is looking into foods commonly paired with tomatoes. They mentioned cilantro, which did not worry me. But then came the stupid part. It might be the Jalapenos! The Horror!!
I'm stockpiling my spicy green friends now before they get yanked.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Corn Oil Wrestling and the Cheese Canopy Mandate
To all Non-existent Crock, Inc. Competitors:
So you think you have a superior product? Impossible. A better and cheaper alternative to one of our products? Never......but let's just play a little pretend game of fake economic cause-and-effect. Do you have any legos? No matter. We'll use words instead.
Let's take, for example, our long-time best-selling product the "No-walled Wonder Tent". It's like a tent, but it has no walls. We've sold dozens. Now let's say that you, Mr. Non-existent Competitor, Inc., come up with something that does the same thing but it's made from different materials like hemp or cheese (Warning: patent infringment will get you wacked). You call your copy-cat rip-off product idea a "Canopy" and you sell it for around the same price as our "No-Walled Wonder Tent". Let's also say that you successfully lobby the government to make it mandatory that 10% of our customers buy your product instead of ours. Here's what will happen: You will lose, cry, and be emotionally damaged forever.
As soon as the government-mandated-ten-percent-canopy-purchasing-bill passes through congress, we will immediately begin a "Canopy Destructo Maneuver". We will incrementally increase the price of our "NWWT" so that the 90% of people who can still buy it will pay the price for your fool-heartedishness. We'll be sure to publicly blame you for the price increase. NWWT buyers will hate you and wish plagues of locusts upon your lower half.
The example above is a more or less what has happened recently in the oil game. The President of OPEC says the the introduction of ethanol to the market is responsible for 40% of the rise in the cost of crude oil. Poppycock?
We know that ethanol is no savior, but it's not responsible for raising the price of oil by 40 percent. That's a bunch of junk. TRICKS! Competition does not cause price hikes. The dynamics of supply/demand ultimately determine the price of everything. It's not just a good idea, it's the law. Ethanol decreases demand for crude oil.
So you think you have a superior product? Impossible. A better and cheaper alternative to one of our products? Never......but let's just play a little pretend game of fake economic cause-and-effect. Do you have any legos? No matter. We'll use words instead.
Let's take, for example, our long-time best-selling product the "No-walled Wonder Tent". It's like a tent, but it has no walls. We've sold dozens. Now let's say that you, Mr. Non-existent Competitor, Inc., come up with something that does the same thing but it's made from different materials like hemp or cheese (Warning: patent infringment will get you wacked). You call your copy-cat rip-off product idea a "Canopy" and you sell it for around the same price as our "No-Walled Wonder Tent". Let's also say that you successfully lobby the government to make it mandatory that 10% of our customers buy your product instead of ours. Here's what will happen: You will lose, cry, and be emotionally damaged forever.
As soon as the government-mandated-ten-percent-canopy-purchasing-bill passes through congress, we will immediately begin a "Canopy Destructo Maneuver". We will incrementally increase the price of our "NWWT" so that the 90% of people who can still buy it will pay the price for your fool-heartedishness. We'll be sure to publicly blame you for the price increase. NWWT buyers will hate you and wish plagues of locusts upon your lower half.
The example above is a more or less what has happened recently in the oil game. The President of OPEC says the the introduction of ethanol to the market is responsible for 40% of the rise in the cost of crude oil. Poppycock?
We know that ethanol is no savior, but it's not responsible for raising the price of oil by 40 percent. That's a bunch of junk. TRICKS! Competition does not cause price hikes. The dynamics of supply/demand ultimately determine the price of everything. It's not just a good idea, it's the law. Ethanol decreases demand for crude oil.
I love to over-simplfy. Thanks for allowing me to do what I love.
Get your Wonder Tents Now while you can still afford them!!Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Financial Status Report Projection Summary Declaration
Dear Shareholders,
Half-way through the second week of the first month of the third quarter of fiscal year 2008 seems like a good time for an update on the financial state of Crock, Inc. I know you are all wondering what is happening here. You've probably watched anxiously with baited breath as your stock sat there, unchanged, throughout the year thus far. You may have patiently waited for the signal telling you to sell off or, as NSYNC once said, buy, buy, buy. That sign has not appeared to you to this point. Although some have reported seeing the Virgin Mary in a punch-bowl, others a squash that looks like Richard Nixon, no one has witnessed any movement in their Crock, Inc. stock.
The reasons for this are many, and this update may quench your thirst for knowledge as to what-in-blue-blazes is going on right now.
First, we have struggled with some numbers. When we balance our accounts, each time we get the same result. At this point we must believe the numbers. (Forgive me if this is over your head. You may want to consult your accountant for assistance in understanding all of this jargon.) Our financial situational well-being (or not-goodness as the case may be) is derived from this simple formula:
Income - Expenses = Profit (I-E=P).
When using this formula and plugging our to-date numbers in place of the respective letters, and doing the "math", we come up with this answer: P=ZERO.
From this, we can determine that we've spent exactly the same as we've brought in.
How impossible is this?
a) Extremely Impossible
b) Sort-of Impossible
c) Not Very Impossible
If you choose "a", then you are correct. It is extremely impossible for a corporation to spend exactly, to the penny, what they take in, and it's also highly unlikely. That being said, it is barley probable that this could happen. However, we checked it twice. It's true.
This brought us to another conundrum (almost like a P.T.B.F.O.). Since the numbers seem to indicate a lack of profit, to state the obvious, we were perplexed. "Are we a non-profit corporation?", I asked. The board members said no. I said, "Well if we have no profit, then we're a non-profit corporation." This lead to days of debate. They finally convinced my that I was mistaking a "corporation-with-no-profit "for a "not-for-profit" corporation or a charitable organization.
So that is now settled. No more worries about Crock, Inc. becoming charitable. The stock should rise immediately now that this speculation is ended.
At the current pace, we can stay in business indefinitely. It would be very easy for us to simply buy one less roll of toilet paper in the next six months and turn a profit of whatever a roll of toilet paper would have cost us. I think they're like....$36.00 each or so. So shareholders, you may go boldly forth with confidence that we are prepared to take the necessary steps to shore up our perceived value and secure our future. But please note that we most likely won't cut back on toilet paper.
Thank You All,
Prez
Half-way through the second week of the first month of the third quarter of fiscal year 2008 seems like a good time for an update on the financial state of Crock, Inc. I know you are all wondering what is happening here. You've probably watched anxiously with baited breath as your stock sat there, unchanged, throughout the year thus far. You may have patiently waited for the signal telling you to sell off or, as NSYNC once said, buy, buy, buy. That sign has not appeared to you to this point. Although some have reported seeing the Virgin Mary in a punch-bowl, others a squash that looks like Richard Nixon, no one has witnessed any movement in their Crock, Inc. stock.
The reasons for this are many, and this update may quench your thirst for knowledge as to what-in-blue-blazes is going on right now.
First, we have struggled with some numbers. When we balance our accounts, each time we get the same result. At this point we must believe the numbers. (Forgive me if this is over your head. You may want to consult your accountant for assistance in understanding all of this jargon.) Our financial situational well-being (or not-goodness as the case may be) is derived from this simple formula:
Income - Expenses = Profit (I-E=P).
When using this formula and plugging our to-date numbers in place of the respective letters, and doing the "math", we come up with this answer: P=ZERO.
From this, we can determine that we've spent exactly the same as we've brought in.
How impossible is this?
a) Extremely Impossible
b) Sort-of Impossible
c) Not Very Impossible
If you choose "a", then you are correct. It is extremely impossible for a corporation to spend exactly, to the penny, what they take in, and it's also highly unlikely. That being said, it is barley probable that this could happen. However, we checked it twice. It's true.
This brought us to another conundrum (almost like a P.T.B.F.O.). Since the numbers seem to indicate a lack of profit, to state the obvious, we were perplexed. "Are we a non-profit corporation?", I asked. The board members said no. I said, "Well if we have no profit, then we're a non-profit corporation." This lead to days of debate. They finally convinced my that I was mistaking a "corporation-with-no-profit "for a "not-for-profit" corporation or a charitable organization.
So that is now settled. No more worries about Crock, Inc. becoming charitable. The stock should rise immediately now that this speculation is ended.
At the current pace, we can stay in business indefinitely. It would be very easy for us to simply buy one less roll of toilet paper in the next six months and turn a profit of whatever a roll of toilet paper would have cost us. I think they're like....$36.00 each or so. So shareholders, you may go boldly forth with confidence that we are prepared to take the necessary steps to shore up our perceived value and secure our future. But please note that we most likely won't cut back on toilet paper.
Thank You All,
Prez
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Crock Will Beat Trump to the Punch (New Product Release)
ES389 New Product Status Report
We are still waiting on research data from escapability testing. This data is needed to assure compliance with H-233.420 of the Americans with Disabilities Act.
A nine year study of the effects of ES389 on pregnant women, laboratory rats, and dead pigeons concluded this week. The study suggests that ES389 has no significant negative side-effects other than loose stool, blood in urine, hives, rickets, scurvy, elephantitis of the ass, boredom, and, in the case of the dead pigeons, remaining dead (although some activity was observed and described by most as "a brief period of smoking and sizzling").
Test marketing is set to begin by week's end. We will be placing ES389 in men's restroom vending machines (right next to the Evening Magic) in and around the Jackson Hole, Wyoming metro area. The price-point for testing purposes will be 75 cents. We believe that this will give us a true cross-section of Americans and their receptiveness to ES389 in much the same way that polling Arab countries gives a true representation of the approval rating of President George W. Bush.
Once test marketing is complete we will have a better idea of where the price-point should be set and how many people we should expect to die from the use of ES389. If the death expectation numbers are low enough, then we should witness a dramatic increase in style throughout the country. (The last thing we need right now is more death in the company so we ask that all employees refrain from use until we know which of you we want to kill, and the likelihood that we will succeed).
Marketing Points: As the first truly permanent hair-sculpting system, ES389 will create it's own niche market, serving those with complex hairstyles who are tired of spending valuable time getting their hair "just right". With ES389, fix it once and forget it. Completely water-proof, almost flame-retardant, and sort of bullet proof, this product will revolutionize the hair-art industry. This is the last hair product you will ever need. Once applied, all growth will cease, all hair loss will stop, all colors will be locked, birds will not nest, insects will steer clear, and rodents will be repelled (along with friends).
The tag line chosen for ES389 is: Enhanced Style 389 - Style for Life!
Some other suggested tag lines:
Enhanced Style 389 - Hair-helmets made easy
Enhanced Style 389 - Laminate your head
Enhanced Style 389 - Style is as easy as 1-2-389
Enhanced Style 389 - Forget the Gel, get Perma-Shell
Enhanced Style 389 - No more Combs, get Perma-dome
Enhanced Style 389 - When you want your hair to turn heads
We are still waiting on research data from escapability testing. This data is needed to assure compliance with H-233.420 of the Americans with Disabilities Act.
A nine year study of the effects of ES389 on pregnant women, laboratory rats, and dead pigeons concluded this week. The study suggests that ES389 has no significant negative side-effects other than loose stool, blood in urine, hives, rickets, scurvy, elephantitis of the ass, boredom, and, in the case of the dead pigeons, remaining dead (although some activity was observed and described by most as "a brief period of smoking and sizzling").
Test marketing is set to begin by week's end. We will be placing ES389 in men's restroom vending machines (right next to the Evening Magic) in and around the Jackson Hole, Wyoming metro area. The price-point for testing purposes will be 75 cents. We believe that this will give us a true cross-section of Americans and their receptiveness to ES389 in much the same way that polling Arab countries gives a true representation of the approval rating of President George W. Bush.
Once test marketing is complete we will have a better idea of where the price-point should be set and how many people we should expect to die from the use of ES389. If the death expectation numbers are low enough, then we should witness a dramatic increase in style throughout the country. (The last thing we need right now is more death in the company so we ask that all employees refrain from use until we know which of you we want to kill, and the likelihood that we will succeed).
Marketing Points: As the first truly permanent hair-sculpting system, ES389 will create it's own niche market, serving those with complex hairstyles who are tired of spending valuable time getting their hair "just right". With ES389, fix it once and forget it. Completely water-proof, almost flame-retardant, and sort of bullet proof, this product will revolutionize the hair-art industry. This is the last hair product you will ever need. Once applied, all growth will cease, all hair loss will stop, all colors will be locked, birds will not nest, insects will steer clear, and rodents will be repelled (along with friends).
The tag line chosen for ES389 is: Enhanced Style 389 - Style for Life!
Some other suggested tag lines:
Enhanced Style 389 - Hair-helmets made easy
Enhanced Style 389 - Laminate your head
Enhanced Style 389 - Style is as easy as 1-2-389
Enhanced Style 389 - Forget the Gel, get Perma-Shell
Enhanced Style 389 - No more Combs, get Perma-dome
Enhanced Style 389 - When you want your hair to turn heads
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Advertising on the Moon?
This is what I'm talking about. I want to know who these guys use for an Ad Agency. I also want to know why our guys didn't come up with this. (Actually, I have an idea why but more on that later).
Imagine looking up at the moon and seeing the Rolling Rock logo. Can they do that? Let's not "mis-underestimate" them. At the very least let's have a plan in place to get a letter "C" in front of the word "rock".
We also need to start thinking outside the box about other advertising methods. The fact that this one slipped through does not bode well for the folks down in marketing.
Perhaps they are in need of a little beef. Or maybe we need to take a look at our hiring procedures. Our philosophy has always been "we'll take the people that no one else wants". It gives us a sense of security in that they can't really get another job anywhere else, therefore, reducing our turnover and strain on the training and HR departments. That still seems like a sound policy.
I'm just thinking out loud here, but maybe we need to start looking for some actual qualifications. I suggest we start hiring people who fit our pre-defined profile. I think our ideal candidate for a position in our marketing department would be someone with large ears (listening is so very important). The candidate should be a "dog person" who likes lima beans and is in favor of dentists. They should love peotry and long walks on the beach at sunset. A marketing degree is a plus, but not necessary (we can get any degree we need on Ebay). This position really requires someone who's eyes are too close together and who has mild dandruff. The person should have slender fingers and a fake tan (the reasons for this are obvious). If you know anyone who fits this profile, please send them our way.
If you can think of any other criteria that we should consider, let me know that as well. Stay tuned for information on the shake-up in the Marketing Department. There will be big news on this subject coming soon.
Imagine looking up at the moon and seeing the Rolling Rock logo. Can they do that? Let's not "mis-underestimate" them. At the very least let's have a plan in place to get a letter "C" in front of the word "rock".
We also need to start thinking outside the box about other advertising methods. The fact that this one slipped through does not bode well for the folks down in marketing.
Perhaps they are in need of a little beef. Or maybe we need to take a look at our hiring procedures. Our philosophy has always been "we'll take the people that no one else wants". It gives us a sense of security in that they can't really get another job anywhere else, therefore, reducing our turnover and strain on the training and HR departments. That still seems like a sound policy.
I'm just thinking out loud here, but maybe we need to start looking for some actual qualifications. I suggest we start hiring people who fit our pre-defined profile. I think our ideal candidate for a position in our marketing department would be someone with large ears (listening is so very important). The candidate should be a "dog person" who likes lima beans and is in favor of dentists. They should love peotry and long walks on the beach at sunset. A marketing degree is a plus, but not necessary (we can get any degree we need on Ebay). This position really requires someone who's eyes are too close together and who has mild dandruff. The person should have slender fingers and a fake tan (the reasons for this are obvious). If you know anyone who fits this profile, please send them our way.
If you can think of any other criteria that we should consider, let me know that as well. Stay tuned for information on the shake-up in the Marketing Department. There will be big news on this subject coming soon.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Samuel Adams was Drunk...we had words.
Dear Crock Family,
I write you today with a story. Within it, a lesson. Within that, an exagerated and sarcastic rant. And within that, a frothy goodness.
You see, for the past couple of months, beer brewers "have been facing an unprecidented hops shortage". Times have been tough in the beer brewing world (which we know and love). Small brewers just can't compete. As the price of good hops has increased, some of these small brewers have had to resort to drastic measures. Some have been forced to set up tents across the street from high schools and peddle their products. They can't afford to check IDs, and the prices, they're through the roof. Sources say a single 40oz. bottle of Natural light has been tagged at $10.00.
"Things were getting desperate and we had to make some difficult decisions", said Simon Birdwaiver, owner and brewmaster of Birdwaiver Brewery in Paducah Kentucky. "In the long run I think we'll be okay", he added, "but we just have to keep our fingers crossed. The police could show up at any minute."
Birdwaiver is one of a dozen or so brewers who have had to resort to tactics such as these just to remain afloat. The price of hops has skyrocketted due to the short supply and there has been no real sign of relief on the horizon. That is until now. Samuel Adams has ridden in on a white horse to bestow grace and tender kindness upon beerdom!! (See source, stumbled upon while browsing Digg).
Apparently, Boston Beer, brewers of Samual Adams, have decided to make some of their hops available to the open market. They say they will "sell" the hops to small craft brewers at cost.
....Wait a minute. That means no profit! Fools! Did the executive at Boston Beer spend a little too much time in the tasing room or what? I know this is probably going to shock some of you but, if a business does not make a profit,? I have nothing else. It just doesn't. What? Huh?
I know. It sort of leaves you at a loss for words doesn't it? That sha'nt be the case for long my friends. Inspired by the spirit of giving and Corporate kindness displayed by the fine folks (big hearts, small brains) at Boston Beer, we are going to "sell" you some of our stock of words. These are some which we will not be using anyway:
-Sauve (interchangable with Ointment, so take that too)
-Hamhock
-Prang
-Splenetic
-Cocksure
-anything in French, you can have the whole language
-Oleaginous
-Scooter
-John Edwards
-Moist
-Achy Breaky
-Fish Sauce
-Loddlebobdariferkishness (Actually, we'll keep that one. It's an original.)
Is that enough?
I write you today with a story. Within it, a lesson. Within that, an exagerated and sarcastic rant. And within that, a frothy goodness.
You see, for the past couple of months, beer brewers "have been facing an unprecidented hops shortage". Times have been tough in the beer brewing world (which we know and love). Small brewers just can't compete. As the price of good hops has increased, some of these small brewers have had to resort to drastic measures. Some have been forced to set up tents across the street from high schools and peddle their products. They can't afford to check IDs, and the prices, they're through the roof. Sources say a single 40oz. bottle of Natural light has been tagged at $10.00.
"Things were getting desperate and we had to make some difficult decisions", said Simon Birdwaiver, owner and brewmaster of Birdwaiver Brewery in Paducah Kentucky. "In the long run I think we'll be okay", he added, "but we just have to keep our fingers crossed. The police could show up at any minute."
Birdwaiver is one of a dozen or so brewers who have had to resort to tactics such as these just to remain afloat. The price of hops has skyrocketted due to the short supply and there has been no real sign of relief on the horizon. That is until now. Samuel Adams has ridden in on a white horse to bestow grace and tender kindness upon beerdom!! (See source, stumbled upon while browsing Digg).
Apparently, Boston Beer, brewers of Samual Adams, have decided to make some of their hops available to the open market. They say they will "sell" the hops to small craft brewers at cost.
....Wait a minute. That means no profit! Fools! Did the executive at Boston Beer spend a little too much time in the tasing room or what? I know this is probably going to shock some of you but, if a business does not make a profit,? I have nothing else. It just doesn't. What? Huh?
I know. It sort of leaves you at a loss for words doesn't it? That sha'nt be the case for long my friends. Inspired by the spirit of giving and Corporate kindness displayed by the fine folks (big hearts, small brains) at Boston Beer, we are going to "sell" you some of our stock of words. These are some which we will not be using anyway:
-Sauve (interchangable with Ointment, so take that too)
-Hamhock
-Prang
-Splenetic
-Cocksure
-anything in French, you can have the whole language
-Oleaginous
-Scooter
-John Edwards
-Moist
-Achy Breaky
-Fish Sauce
-Loddlebobdariferkishness (Actually, we'll keep that one. It's an original.)
Is that enough?
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