Hey Captain! You Suck at Rummy!

Whoa! I'm finally back. I don't have much time as I am still being debriefed. (It has as much to do with pant-removal as it does spewing forth information).

I know you are all wondering where I've been for the past month. I am also fairly certain that everything has fallen into chaos without your fearless, honorable, handsome and modest leader. I assure you I will restore order around here once this is all over.

As you do not know, I was sailing in the Sea of Cortez in mid-July. Things went horribly wrong. Ladies and Gentlemen, you had better be sitting down for this: I was abducted by pirates. That's right. I would not doubt if they were aliens too, but definitely pirates. I cannot begin to describe the atrocities that I suffered at the hands of these barbarians. Well, maybe I could.

I was forced to play rummy for at least three hours. There was no cell service or Internet. They did have satellite TV, but just one channel, GOL-TV, soccer 24/7. I asked how they got that service. They told me it was pirated. Duh.

The one guy (I called him the Captain because of the hook) was so arrogant and demeaning that I contemplated making fun of his wooden leg, but I didn't. He claims that he beat me at rummy every time. He refuses to see that 5, 8, Jack is not a lay-downable set.

I still haven't processed the whole ordeal. Just writing about it brings the horror right back. I don't think I can continue. Please understand that I will come out of this experience stronger and more knowledgeable about soccer than ever before. And, if I ever meet the Captain again.......It's Rummy by the Rules!!

I still don't think they have a clue who they were messing with. Please refer to a previous post for our Pirate Policy.