Corporate Sell-out Maneuver #1: A Book Promotion

It's been a long time since we've posted anything here, and we have a very good reason for that. The reason is none of anyone's business, but it is a very good one. 

If it was any of your concern, we could tell you the reason we've been gone so long and you would be like; "Oh wow! That is a very good reason. One of the best I've ever heard."

But alas...not your concern. 

So, what brings us back now? 

There is a very good reason for that as well. This time, it is your business. In fact, we will tell you the reason we are suddenly back here, blogging like crazy.

It's because the boss said we are supposed to promote his book.

Here is the book promotion.

 

It is odd that there is some other guy's name on the book. A ghost writer, maybe? Dunno.

We're supposed to mention that the book will be out soon and let you know how you can find out more. 

Apparently, you can find out more about the book and also sign up for updates here.

Now, this is a departure from our standard operating procedure because the book is real. We typically don't deal with real things, so everyone is in a bit of a panic around here. Some of us worry that this may lead to a loss of focus on the normal nonsense and represents a shift to ecommerce. 

Understand, the word "ecommerce" sends shivers down the spines of the Crock, Inc. staff because ecommerce means work. We are averse to work so we would prefer to keep this company focused on providing top-quality nonsense at a reasonable price.

The boss argues that his book fits that description. 

While the book may indeed be nonsense, it appears to be a real and tangible book that will require real and tangible money to purchase. No matter what this book costs when it hits the stores, if it's more than $0.00, it will be the biggest-ticket item we've ever promoted. 

You can see how this would make us nervous.

Anyway, fingers crossed that this will satisfy the boss man. Hopefully we can get back to nonsense now.

What To Do When Your Face Swells Shut

This may seem like an oddly random subject and I'm sure you are wondering why I am bringing it up right now. I won't share, but suffice it to say there is a very pertinent and coherent reason for the timing and subject matter which I have just bestowed upon you. I realize that you weren't expecting such meaningful material and you are now undeniably hooked to this post that you'd rather be buried in fire ants than to abort the reading mission before the objective of finding out what to do when your face swells shut. This is really an issue of survival. Hopefully you've set aside the necessary time.

Before we get into the meat of this, lets start by defining the problem. Although the underlying cause should certainly be of concern to you if your face swells shut, it is not our focus at this time. To assure we are all on the same page;

"Face" is that portion of the front of your head where your eyes, nose, and mouth are located. If you have a moustache, beard, glasses, or a silent expression of hatred for your fellow man, they would also be found here.

"Swells" refers to an abnormal enlargement or bloating. Many times this is a sudden onset that may occur in the event of exposure to an allergen or a good beating. In some cases the swelling may occur over time, perhaps as a result of some cruel disease or excessive consumption of bacon milkshakes.

And "shut" means "closed". As it relates to the face, specifically the involuntary closing of the eyes, nose, and mouth due to the aforementioned swelling.

Now, let's discuss the dos and don'ts.

First, let me share with you a few things NOT to do when your face swells shut. Here is a short list that I threw together. I'm just guessing here. My face has never swelled or swollen shut.

• Please DO NOT come to work. You will scare people. Plus, your productivity will surely suffer due to the shutness of your face.
• I assume you would not want to drive a vehicle. At least not very fast.
• Guys(and extremely hairy women), do NOT shave when your face is swollen shut! I mean it. Don't do it!
• Don't worry about the dogs you hear barking at you. They are not equipped with a sense of compassion.
• Most importantly; Do not panic!

I'm sure there are more don'ts but those are the obvious ones. Now, what should you do?

• PANIC! After all you are trapped in a private hell and held against your will by your own face.
• Breathe. Oh wait, you can't. Since most humans breathe through the mouth, the nose, a combination of the two, or alternation between them, and they are both shut by the definition presented earlier. Unless you are lucky enough to have a blowhole, you should probably try to get a straw shoved between your lips and/or in a nostril or two. This may allow you to process enough oxygen to avoid suffocation temporarily.
• Turn off the lights. You can't see anyway. No point in wasting energy and just because you have only moments to live doesn't mean you need to forget about the environment.
• Seek medical attention. Lets face it, the problem is not likely to reverse itself and is probably life-threatening. Grandma may have a home remedy but she's never around when you really need her now is she? Since we've already eliminated driving as a possibility you'll need to call 911. I know, using a phone is difficult. Just feel your way around the keypad and do you best. If you get someone who asks you "what listing?" you've hit a 4 instead of a 9. Try again. Once connected to a dispatcher, help is on the way. Of course you can't talk to explain anything but they can track your location by the caller ID info or cellular network. They will realize that it is an emergency by the fact that you called 911. No one calls them to make idle chit-chat. They will also pick up on the urgency in your muffled but horrifying internal screams. Side note: they can't hear your arms flailing around wildly so stop. That's just another energy-saving tip.

Hopefully you will remember this advice when your face swells shut and somehow manage to follow it. For those of you who have been through it, feel free to share your experiences.

In a World Ruled By Squirrels, Your Math Skills Are Worthless

There is nothing more frustrating than having to apply mathematics in daily life. Math is like an idiot; you can't argue with it. It's witchcraft. Why are so many artists, journalists, athletes, truck drivers, homeless people, and IRS agents around here? Because they all hate math and try to avoid it at all costs. We reserve the jobs like cashier, bartender, server, and geothermal engineer for the younger folk, mostly students or those who recently retired from a career as a student. These careers need math to function so they are best suited for those who have freshly learned the subject. It isn't like riding a bike. Once we leave school, we forget how to do it. Within a year of leaving school, we have put enough distance between ourselves and math that we will hand some greasy punk a $20 bill through the drive-up window and when he returns our change, we just stuff it in our fanny packs without question because we no longer have the ability to refute the mathematical prowess of a below average high school student.

A train leaves here and another leaves there and they each go some differing amount of fast, assuming they are on the same track, they will collide. If I hadn't stripped out all of the numbers, this would be a math problem to figure out when and where they might crash. Even without all the data, I can eliminate this problem. Change the train schedule! Plain ole logic. Why make a problem where there isn't one? Why complicate the matter by mathematicalizing it?

Here's a real problem: Squirrels! They're every-friggin'-where! These things are overgrown mice with ninja-like capabilities. Math cannot stop them. They'll chew your house to shreds in an evening. They steal babies and scare old ladies. They've organized militia to overthrow sitting mayors in seventeen US cities already. They're breeding a master race! It ain't good people. Wake up! Put down your scientific calculators and stop trying to solve for x! We need to work on the squirrel issue! We're being overrun. They're eating into our bottom line (I think. Haven't really calculated it because I forgot how). Just look at this list. It will damage you for life, but be sure to like us in facebook(see the button to the right- no math involved). That's important.

Reading Between the Lies

I love reading. In fact, the main reason I am writing this is so I can read it later. I will read just about anything. When I see words, I usually read them (unless there are too many of them or they are written in another language like British or Canadian).

In these times where any horses-ass can write a blog and so-called news arrives quite literally out of thin air into our hands, there is no shortage of material.

I've noticed though, that just because someone writes and it gets published, doesn't make it true. It also doesn't make the author an expert know-it-all. When it comes to news, advice, motivation, business, etc., we hope that people write about things they know. Sadly, this is not the case. I'm proof of that.

It is my opinion that everyone who writes in these categories, or any category, is lying. Actually, that's a fact. Everyone who ever wrote anything is either lying or an idiot, with few exceptions (the bible and Rich Dad, Poor Dad are the only two).

Yes, even your Grandma's grocery list she lovingly crafted over the course of a week! Everything! Every facebook post is false. Every tweet is a big fat lie. Every blog post is a long-winded inaccurate deceitful malicious ploy or a pile of worthless blubber from an evil stupid genius. I don't need to give examples. These are blanket statements so you can find your own. Stop reading that garbage! Well, don't stop. Just read with a grain of salt.

If you find yourself thinking that I have a good point right about now, please shove your own fist rapidly into your face, then repeat. I'm writing, therefore I am lying!

Writers of fictional material lie all the time, totally on purpose, and they don't even try to hide it. So that's cool. I can live with that. I wonder who writes the little tags on tee shirts? Those things piss me off. Always rubbing up against my neck and stuff. I've never read them though. I'm sure they are full of diabolical falsehoods like; "wash with like colors", or, "tumble dry low". What does that even mean? I have noticed that some of the tags have replaced words with symbols. I guess they want to get through to me since they know that I know the written words are lies.

Whatever. That should be enough to put me to sleep later when I read this.

Guns: Great for Killing People, But Do They Have Other Uses?

Surprisingly, the answer is "YES".


While we all know that the main purpose of a gun is to kill people, there are some other uses that may not come easily to mind when the subject (of guns, or killing people) arises at the water cooler. In the interest of saving lives, I would like to pass along some of these uses.


Among the secondary purposes for firearms, I am the most partial to "Brandishing". In case you are not familiar with the term, brandishing in the sense used here, is when a firearm is handled in a conspicuous manor, allowing all within eyesight to know of it's presence and subsequently feel intimidation as intended. Generally, when this technique is used, the gun's primary use becomes unnecessary. Sometimes, you may need to add a verbal compliment to brandishing activity in order to obtain the full effect. I suggest shouting phrases like; "Everyone down on the floor now or I'll remind you what this thing is for!", or " I'm not sure if you are aware but this is a gun and it's normally used to kill people!"(actually, the second one saves a step due to the fact that you have in fact already reminded them what a gun is for).

Another oft overlooked use for a gun is "pistol whipping". This is an activity akin to "bitch-slapping" where the gun is held in hand whilst that hand is wreaking havoc upon a persons face, head, neck, ribcage, and/or back. Believe it or not, this works with a rifle or shotgun as well. Normally, the victim of a "pistol-whippin'" will fall to the ground immediately (sometimes they will say "ouch dude!") and killing them will not be necessary.

Although there are many more uses for guns, I will offer this final activity; paperweighting. I prefer the 45 caliber handgun for this. It will certainly hold the papers in place under most circumstances and it is small enough to allow you to see the papers underneath. This is actually a dual-purpose purpose for a gun. While the gun is holding your important documents firmly on your desk amidst the relentless ceiling-fan-force gale, it is also being brandished. Believe me, every visitor to your office will notice the weapon and, in most cases, they won't make you kill them with it. Granted, there will be the occasional curious soul who asks, "Is that real?". When this happens, try adding the verbal compliments suggested above. If that fails to satisfy the curiosity, I suggest moving immediately to pistol-whipping.

I hope this article has given you some things to think about. Perhaps you can even come up with your own ways to use your gun that does not require killing people. If I've saved one life by writing this, it was well worth the effort. If I've saved three lives, I'm money ahead. If I've saved more than three lives, well, then I will erect a monument to myself right next to the other monument to me in the front lawn of the HZ. (Stay tuned to this blog if you don't know what HZ means). Please, don't send me ideas like; hunting, or target practice. These activities fell out of favor around the time of the great east-coast-rappers vs. west-coast-rappers war that claimed the lives of Tupac and Biggie.

The Significance of Snazzy Pens

I've been thinking lately about how important it is to have a nice pen. Not very. I have pondered this quite some time. As I have met with many powerful and influential people over the years, I have taken note of the pens they use. I have also met with many non-essential humans, such as those whom I would interview for various low-level positions here at Crock, Inc. As I reflect on this matter, I have found that the niceness of one's pen is inversely proportional to one's status in life.

Many times, when I meet with the powerful and influential, I see that they carry a standard Bic 2360 Model click pen, a Scripto 1400 capped ball-point, or other equivalent model. Blue or black ink, it's about 50-50. Sometimes they don't bring a pen at all.

When interviewing candidates for common-folk type positions within this company, I find that they always bring their own pen. Nine times out of ten it's black ink. These things are usually very shiny silver with special grips and explosion-proof technology. I find that interesting.

Did you know that some of the richest people in the world carry handkerchiefs? This is weird. They actually blow their nose on a piece of cloth and then stuff it, snot and all, right back in their pockets. In this case, I wonder why they have ruled out the sleeve option. At least then, when the inter-pocket mingling happens, they wouldn't get snot on their cheap pens. I think that's why the commoners go with the sleeve, you know, because of the fancy pens.

I was also thinking that paper clips are funny. Somewhere, someone owns a business making these things. And staples! What about those? Imagine making staples for a living. I think a paperclip is just a less-permanent staple.

The other day I was talking with our rubber band sales guy and I found out something interesting; Did you know that the average commission on a rubber-band is half a cent per 100,000 units? I'm no mathematician, but how much do you think he takes home per year after taxes? I can't figure it out.

Someone needs to invent something to stop this fan from blowing the papers off of my desk.

I have a friend who's Unlce invented the little plastic tube things that they put on the end of shoelaces. He's a multi-millionaire and he writes with half of a broken crayon, light green.

Clarification of FORM # 236442B

I have received numerous (one) request for clarification as to the proper use of Form # 236442B- Request for Permission to Not Die. As a courtesy to the imbecile who could not figure it out, and also to the rest of you who are too proud to admit that you don't understand, I will explain the document in detail.

This form is to be filled out whenever you feel the need to stay home from work for fear of death. Please notice that there are only three acceptable reasons to use this form, they are listed on the form, but I will list them again here.

A. There is a Meteor on a Collision Course with the Office
B. An Angry Co-worker is wearing a Bomb-vest to Work
3. The Roads are Slick due to either a Winter Storm or Bacon Grease

Any reason not listed here is not a valid reason to miss work. If you miss work for any reason not listed here, or, if you miss work due to a reason listed here but did not fill out the form, did not submit the form for approval, or were not approved even though you filled out the form and submitted it for approval, you are considered absent without notification, even if you notified us that you would be absent due to an approvable reason or a non-approvable reason, and you will not be paid for the missed day. Please also note that approval of your properly completed and submitted form is not guaranteed. Please note as well also too that a properly completed, submitted, and approved form and the subsequent missing of work will result in the use of a personal day. It is very important at this point that you take note of our company policy to disallow the use of personal days for the reasons A, B, and 3 listed above.

To summarize: if you feel that you do not wish to come to work on a particular day because there is a chance you might die, and the reason for your possible death if you were to come to work is one of the items listed above, then you should complete this form and submit it to your supervisor for approval which is not guaranteed. Once submitted, your supervisor may or may not review and return the form to you marked approved or denied within 90 days. If the form is approved, your available balance of personal days will be decreased by one day. If, after your request is approved and your personal day balance is debited, you do not come to work, you will be considered absent without pay due to company policy for the use of personal days. If your available personal day balance is zero prior to completing and submitting the form, your request will not be approved. If your request is denied for any reason, or of it is not approved because of it's denial or non-approval, then you are expected to come to work. If you do not, then your personal day balance, if it is greater than zero, will be debited one day and you will be considered absent without pay per personl-day company policy.

So, if you have any reason to not come to work, approvable death avoidance item or not, the most efficient method of not coming to work is not to fill out the form and submit for approval, but rather to simply stay home. This will result in you being absent without pay. If you have available personal days, you may use one of these and therefore be paid for missing the day of work. Personal days in this case may be used because your reason for missing was not documented as one of the approvable death avoidance items above, and therefore is not disallowed under the company policy.

I hope this has cleared up and misunderstandings.

I might also add that we do not allow Meteors to collide with our offices, Bomb-vests are not approved work attire, and any actions by any person, employee or not, that would abuse bacon grease in such a way as to cause it to be present on a roadway is strictly forbidden.

At this point, I would ask all non-supervisors to stop reading.

For you supervisors; please be aware of our company policy to deny all Requests to Not Die. Approval of such a request is not tolerated and is grounds for dismissal. If you are not a supervisor, please go back and read this post again and try to follow instructions this time.

Thank You.

Blagojebitchin' (and FlankSham's Plan for Domination)

To Start, it's ILL-i-NOY, not, ILL-i-NOYZ. That lesson is for the left and right coast media folk who were saddled with the burden of being stuck in flyover country to cover the story and think up a clever name for it, like "Blagogate". Freakin' wizards you are!

Now, on to the people of Illinois. This in not your problem. You see, most people in this country don't realize that Illinois is a real state. Most people hear "Illinois", but think its a synonym for "Chicago". Or maybe they think Illinois is the Native American word for "Place where Chicago lives", and that Chicago is the Native American word for "Large Center of Culture and Industry accidentally located beside a lake instead of the ocean".

Whatever they think, they are missing the fact that 13 million people call Illinois home. Five million of these people live in Cook County and another 3 million in the counties that surround it. (Don't look it up. Just trust me.) So there are like 8 million out of the 13 million state residents who live in "Chicagoland". That makes it very easy for Chicago to run the state. The problem is, even Chicago residents forget that there is life below Joliet. A roving band of wild political attack-dogs could rampage through the mighty kingdom of Chi-town in a matter of a week of two and effectively turn elections. When this happens, the end result is an anomaly, a political abnormality that would never occur naturally. For example, someone named Rod gets elected Governor.

Since natural elections cannot occur in the state of Illinois, our man Flanksham has us covered. You see, for years now Flanksham has been operating a little-known division of Crock, Inc. out of a garage somewhere south of Beecher City, Illinois. The multi-million dollar Military-Grade Voice and Data Network Infrastructure Surplus Materials Resale Division is unofficially the world's largest e-Bay store.

FlankSham has formulated a plan to take back the state in which his division operates. As he puts it, "If you're going to take over the world, you gotta start in Illinois".

Under this plan, FlankSham will use revenue's generated from his MGVDNISMR Division to fund a program he calls "Operation Stay Home Chicago". The operation begins with the 2012 election cycle. In exchange for all Chicago area voters staying home on election day and not casting ballots, program operatives will retrofit the lockers of each member of the Chicago Cubs Team with pictures of a real true genuine official World Series Ring. That should keep them happy for another hundred-plus years. Not to mention, it allows downstate voters to have a voice. That's the American way!

Thank You FlankSham!

To Whom It May Concrock

This is a warning:

The Archives have been opened!

After 18 years of being sealed tightly and locked (and buried) in multiple secret confidential locations unknown to everyone (even me), the original founding documents have been released (to me and only me, not you, not your Dad, not the media, but just me). I, and I alone have the documents and you will not be able to see them unless I let you. No amount of clearance waivers, security release forms, licenses, forcible sodomy, or water torture will gain you access to these things.

Having stated the above, and having made it abundantly clear to those who are able to read, as well as having been directly and straight-forwardly obvious as to the nature of the lack of any procedure to access the aforementioned documents by anyone other than myself, I will now describe to you my purposeful, deliberate, and intentional intentions for the trickle-down method of slowly leaking, or trickling, the information contained in said documents down to you, the general workforce and personnel units.

First, you will have to visit this site again later because I'm not going to share, or trickle, much of anything useful (there is nothing useful anyway) at this point. Note: SUBSCRIBING to this site is a great way to keep tabs on breaking, or trickling, information and changes to the site. It's very simple, the links are to the right, use them. It's idiot proof in most languages. Although English sometimes presents a challenge for us.

Secondly, the information contained in the documents may be presented in it's original form or not. For example: the title of the post may be the original document name, or, contrarily, conversely, and maybe even convexly squeezed into posts on other topics. Those cognizant of this will find the founding documents pertinent to all topics by virtue of their unimportance and dis-relationship to everything important. When used in the later manner, the documents will be sited as reference material for proving fiction to be false (which makes it true fiction, as previously discussed).

So, subscribe and stay tuned for excerpts or publication of documents such as:

The Mistake
The Origin of Broke
225 Horses are Bound to Kick Something
The Great Amoeba Controversy
CLOCKS and Other Miscellaneous Items of Question
File #23: Shackleford
File #72: Flabbershack and Co.
The Anatomy of a Lint Ball
--Countless P.T.B.F.O.s---
...and much more.

Corn Oil Wrestling and the Cheese Canopy Mandate

To all Non-existent Crock, Inc. Competitors:

So you think you have a superior product? Impossible. A better and cheaper alternative to one of our products? Never......but let's just play a little pretend game of fake economic cause-and-effect. Do you have any legos? No matter. We'll use words instead.


Let's take, for example, our long-time best-selling product the "No-walled Wonder Tent". It's like a tent, but it has no walls. We've sold dozens. Now let's say that you, Mr. Non-existent Competitor, Inc., come up with something that does the same thing but it's made from different materials like hemp or cheese (Warning: patent infringment will get you wacked). You call your copy-cat rip-off product idea a "Canopy" and you sell it for around the same price as our "No-Walled Wonder Tent". Let's also say that you successfully lobby the government to make it mandatory that 10% of our customers buy your product instead of ours. Here's what will happen: You will lose, cry, and be emotionally damaged forever.


As soon as the government-mandated-ten-percent-canopy-purchasing-bill passes through congress, we will immediately begin a "Canopy Destructo Maneuver". We will incrementally increase the price of our "NWWT" so that the 90% of people who can still buy it will pay the price for your fool-heartedishness. We'll be sure to publicly blame you for the price increase. NWWT buyers will hate you and wish plagues of locusts upon your lower half.

The example above is a more or less what has happened recently in the oil game. The President of OPEC says the the introduction of ethanol to the market is responsible for 40% of the rise in the cost of crude oil. Poppycock?

We know that ethanol is no savior, but it's not responsible for raising the price of oil by 40 percent. That's a bunch of junk. TRICKS! Competition does not cause price hikes. The dynamics of supply/demand ultimately determine the price of everything. It's not just a good idea, it's the law. Ethanol decreases demand for crude oil.

I love to over-simplfy. Thanks for allowing me to do what I love.

Get your Wonder Tents Now while you can still afford them!!

Financial Status Report Projection Summary Declaration

Dear Shareholders,

Half-way through the second week of the first month of the third quarter of fiscal year 2008 seems like a good time for an update on the financial state of Crock, Inc. I know you are all wondering what is happening here. You've probably watched anxiously with baited breath as your stock sat there, unchanged, throughout the year thus far. You may have patiently waited for the signal telling you to sell off or, as NSYNC once said, buy, buy, buy. That sign has not appeared to you to this point. Although some have reported seeing the Virgin Mary in a punch-bowl, others a squash that looks like Richard Nixon, no one has witnessed any movement in their Crock, Inc. stock.

The reasons for this are many, and this update may quench your thirst for knowledge as to what-in-blue-blazes is going on right now.

First, we have struggled with some numbers. When we balance our accounts, each time we get the same result. At this point we must believe the numbers. (Forgive me if this is over your head. You may want to consult your accountant for assistance in understanding all of this jargon.) Our financial situational well-being (or not-goodness as the case may be) is derived from this simple formula:

Income - Expenses = Profit (I-E=P).

When using this formula and plugging our to-date numbers in place of the respective letters, and doing the "math", we come up with this answer: P=ZERO.

From this, we can determine that we've spent exactly the same as we've brought in.

How impossible is this?
a) Extremely Impossible
b) Sort-of Impossible
c) Not Very Impossible

If you choose "a", then you are correct. It is extremely impossible for a corporation to spend exactly, to the penny, what they take in, and it's also highly unlikely. That being said, it is barley probable that this could happen. However, we checked it twice. It's true.

This brought us to another conundrum (almost like a P.T.B.F.O.). Since the numbers seem to indicate a lack of profit, to state the obvious, we were perplexed. "Are we a non-profit corporation?", I asked. The board members said no. I said, "Well if we have no profit, then we're a non-profit corporation." This lead to days of debate. They finally convinced my that I was mistaking a "corporation-with-no-profit "for a "not-for-profit" corporation or a charitable organization.

So that is now settled. No more worries about Crock, Inc. becoming charitable. The stock should rise immediately now that this speculation is ended.

At the current pace, we can stay in business indefinitely. It would be very easy for us to simply buy one less roll of toilet paper in the next six months and turn a profit of whatever a roll of toilet paper would have cost us. I think they're like....$36.00 each or so. So shareholders, you may go boldly forth with confidence that we are prepared to take the necessary steps to shore up our perceived value and secure our future. But please note that we most likely won't cut back on toilet paper.

Thank You All,

Prez

We Now Support The National Society of Crazies

Crock, Inc. is now a proud sponsor of the National Society for Crazies.

The NSC is a wonderful organization who strive to help those who can't behave themselves, the "Crazies". They defend the crazies from discrimination and persecution at the hands of the "Normals".

Those of you who are already members known the benefits. Being a part of this organization brings together those of us who may be considered a little "off" in the eyes of the Normals. It gives us an outlet for our unusual antics. It gives us an identity. We can now say with pride, "I AM A CRAZY!!"

Visit the NSC website for more information and to apply for membership.

Low-Hanging Chandaliers (and Other Problems Pygmies Don't Have)

I have this chandelier in my office. It was given to me by Robert Mugabe, the President of Zimbabwe in 1991 as a token of his appreciation for my contribution of clean socks to be worn by Amos Midzi, his Minister of Mines. (Amos hadn't changed socks for like three days). It is a truly magnificent addition to the decor of the office. There's just the one problem; I keep knocking myself senseless while jazzercizing my way around the room when on the phone (some people pace, I jazzercize).

Earlier today, when I bipped my forehead on the thing again, a thought occurred to me. I bet the Pygmy People never had this problem.

I intercommed Sue and had her check the database to see if we have any Pygmies working for us. I wanted to speak directly to a real live Pygmy and find out. Call it a little social experiment of my own. I have a theory that being a Pygmy has many benefits that are often overlooked in the debate about Pygmy equality. Our politicians and civil-rights leaders will never admit that Pygmies don't bump their heads on low-hanging chandeliers. They won't admit that being able to pass ones self off as a hobbit has great advantages. (Like second breakfasts). You won't hear them tell you that pygmies get most of their meals off of the kids menu and get in free to many places when they hang out with the "tall people". Plus, I've tried, I can't pull off the Sour Patch Kids routine, but I bet a Pygmy could!





Getting carded for cigarettes (most pygmies are smokers) and not being able to get on some amusement park rides can't be all that bad. They can squeeze themselves into the smallest of spaces, which is useful in rescuing rescue dogs who get stuck in small spaces where regular-sized people have gotten stuck and are in need of rescue. Also, they get to go through life with an excuse for sub-par performance , what with the tiny brains and all.

Anyway, Sue found that we have not had a Pygmy associate since records have been kept. Hopefully we are not in violation of any affirmative action laws. I may never be able to prove my theory. Who knows?

But I did find this information.

Fishing with the Prez, Global Destruction, and the Ball that Wasn't a Ball

You may have noticed that April came and went with no "Fishing with the PreZ" posting. The reason for this is that we did not go fishing in April. Why? Because it snowed on April 4th, the very day that we were scheduled to go.

I guess we'll chalk that up to "Global Climate Change".

If you are as observant as I think you are, as you have been trained to be, and as you MUST be as a requirement to remain employed with us, then you have undoubtedly observed the recent change-o, change-o, re-arrange-o of the terminology used to describe Global Warming. It's no longer global warming. It's now "Global Climate Change". This is done to assure that the idea of human (read as: American) destruction of the planet remains a fear in the minds of the world populous despite evidence that the planet is now as cool as it was 100 years ago.

This reminds me of the Crock, Inc. ingenious technique of marketing it's products. Like when we came out with a round object filled with air. We first called it a "Ball", but when it was proven that it would not hold air, we began calling it a "Multi-use Ball-like Air Transport and Temporary Storage Device". It could be used as a ball for a while. The consumer could fill the product with air, dribble, roll, throw, toss, or kick it from one place to the other. All the while they were actually distributing the air from inside the product, at a very slow and completely safe rate, to other locations where that particular air did not used to be.

This goes to show that I totally understand the need to rename things to avoid criticism.

I digress. Back to the subject of us ugly American humans destroying the earth. Did you here what Bob Futz of General Motors said? He said that he thinks global warming is a Crock of sh*t. Hey Bob! Thanks for the plug!

Every opinion matters (if you agree with me). Discuss amongst yourselves.

The Many Complexities of HXT37

It's been many years since it's invention but we have never fully delved into the multi-faceted array of intricate and diverse diversities of the very first, the premier, and the crown jewel of all Crock, Inc. intellectual property.

HXT37* is a derivative of Hoxtex*, which doesn't exist. I know what you are going to ask; How can you make something out of nothing? Before you can understand this, you need to know a few things.

As the holder of 64 US patents on this one product, we can say for certain that this baby is ours. Flanksham actually invented, or shall I say "discovered" HXT37, but he, being the good and faithful servant that he is, let Crock, Inc. take most of the credit and all of the profits. It was either his good-and-faithful-servant-ness or the 207 page contract that he signed, which, remarkably foresightedly, foresaw that he may one day make such a discovery. Observe the follow passage from the contract:

....hitherto fore at this moment and forever from now on Dr. Becconheimer Flanksham does understand and solomnly swear to the truthfulness of the fact that, should he ever invent or discover anything at anytime in the future, and that particular anything becomes known commonly, uncommonly, or medium-commonly, as HXT37, the particular anything referenced now as HXT37 shall remain solely and fully the property of Crock, Inc. as well as all rights, benefits, and proceeds also shall property of Crock, inc. be.

Now I forgot what I was going to say. Something about HXT37 I'm sure. The problem is, there is so much that I would like to tell you, but so little that I am allowed to tell you. Sometimes I even get the two confused. I find myself rambling on and on about it when suddenly, Flanksham or Goersmithism will tap me on the shoulder and give me the look. This is when I know that I've said something classified and whoever was within earshot mysteriously "disappears".

I'm going to go ahead and stop right here. Perhaps my cohorts can fill you in a little more on the Complexities of HXT37.

*Hoxtex and HXT37 are registered trademarks of Crock, Inc. Any use, private or commercial, without a direct royalty payment to Crock, Inc. of an amount to be determined, is expressly prohibited by law, Dr. Phil, Bob Seger, Your Mom, and one of the Baldwin Brothers.