Clarification of FORM # 236442B

I have received numerous (one) request for clarification as to the proper use of Form # 236442B- Request for Permission to Not Die. As a courtesy to the imbecile who could not figure it out, and also to the rest of you who are too proud to admit that you don't understand, I will explain the document in detail.

This form is to be filled out whenever you feel the need to stay home from work for fear of death. Please notice that there are only three acceptable reasons to use this form, they are listed on the form, but I will list them again here.

A. There is a Meteor on a Collision Course with the Office
B. An Angry Co-worker is wearing a Bomb-vest to Work
3. The Roads are Slick due to either a Winter Storm or Bacon Grease

Any reason not listed here is not a valid reason to miss work. If you miss work for any reason not listed here, or, if you miss work due to a reason listed here but did not fill out the form, did not submit the form for approval, or were not approved even though you filled out the form and submitted it for approval, you are considered absent without notification, even if you notified us that you would be absent due to an approvable reason or a non-approvable reason, and you will not be paid for the missed day. Please also note that approval of your properly completed and submitted form is not guaranteed. Please note as well also too that a properly completed, submitted, and approved form and the subsequent missing of work will result in the use of a personal day. It is very important at this point that you take note of our company policy to disallow the use of personal days for the reasons A, B, and 3 listed above.

To summarize: if you feel that you do not wish to come to work on a particular day because there is a chance you might die, and the reason for your possible death if you were to come to work is one of the items listed above, then you should complete this form and submit it to your supervisor for approval which is not guaranteed. Once submitted, your supervisor may or may not review and return the form to you marked approved or denied within 90 days. If the form is approved, your available balance of personal days will be decreased by one day. If, after your request is approved and your personal day balance is debited, you do not come to work, you will be considered absent without pay due to company policy for the use of personal days. If your available personal day balance is zero prior to completing and submitting the form, your request will not be approved. If your request is denied for any reason, or of it is not approved because of it's denial or non-approval, then you are expected to come to work. If you do not, then your personal day balance, if it is greater than zero, will be debited one day and you will be considered absent without pay per personl-day company policy.

So, if you have any reason to not come to work, approvable death avoidance item or not, the most efficient method of not coming to work is not to fill out the form and submit for approval, but rather to simply stay home. This will result in you being absent without pay. If you have available personal days, you may use one of these and therefore be paid for missing the day of work. Personal days in this case may be used because your reason for missing was not documented as one of the approvable death avoidance items above, and therefore is not disallowed under the company policy.

I hope this has cleared up and misunderstandings.

I might also add that we do not allow Meteors to collide with our offices, Bomb-vests are not approved work attire, and any actions by any person, employee or not, that would abuse bacon grease in such a way as to cause it to be present on a roadway is strictly forbidden.

At this point, I would ask all non-supervisors to stop reading.

For you supervisors; please be aware of our company policy to deny all Requests to Not Die. Approval of such a request is not tolerated and is grounds for dismissal. If you are not a supervisor, please go back and read this post again and try to follow instructions this time.

Thank You.