To Whom It May Concrock

This is a warning:

The Archives have been opened!

After 18 years of being sealed tightly and locked (and buried) in multiple secret confidential locations unknown to everyone (even me), the original founding documents have been released (to me and only me, not you, not your Dad, not the media, but just me). I, and I alone have the documents and you will not be able to see them unless I let you. No amount of clearance waivers, security release forms, licenses, forcible sodomy, or water torture will gain you access to these things.

Having stated the above, and having made it abundantly clear to those who are able to read, as well as having been directly and straight-forwardly obvious as to the nature of the lack of any procedure to access the aforementioned documents by anyone other than myself, I will now describe to you my purposeful, deliberate, and intentional intentions for the trickle-down method of slowly leaking, or trickling, the information contained in said documents down to you, the general workforce and personnel units.

First, you will have to visit this site again later because I'm not going to share, or trickle, much of anything useful (there is nothing useful anyway) at this point. Note: SUBSCRIBING to this site is a great way to keep tabs on breaking, or trickling, information and changes to the site. It's very simple, the links are to the right, use them. It's idiot proof in most languages. Although English sometimes presents a challenge for us.

Secondly, the information contained in the documents may be presented in it's original form or not. For example: the title of the post may be the original document name, or, contrarily, conversely, and maybe even convexly squeezed into posts on other topics. Those cognizant of this will find the founding documents pertinent to all topics by virtue of their unimportance and dis-relationship to everything important. When used in the later manner, the documents will be sited as reference material for proving fiction to be false (which makes it true fiction, as previously discussed).

So, subscribe and stay tuned for excerpts or publication of documents such as:

The Mistake
The Origin of Broke
225 Horses are Bound to Kick Something
The Great Amoeba Controversy
CLOCKS and Other Miscellaneous Items of Question
File #23: Shackleford
File #72: Flabbershack and Co.
The Anatomy of a Lint Ball
--Countless P.T.B.F.O.s---
...and much more.

We Will Not Negotiate with Pirates

In these crazy times we live in, I feel it necessary to repeat the long-standing Crock policy: Attention Pirates!! We will not negotiate with you. You can high jack our ships all you want. We're going to ignore you. Return from whence ye came. (Although we are intrigued by the live goats).

Yes readers, it is true. These people still exist. Check it out.

We used to think pirates were cool. "Ahoy there maties", we used to say. Now, we do not speak to them. They lost some of their mystique when they stared using speedboats and cellphones. The days of the eye-patch and peg-leg are long gone. We tend to agree with the guy in the CNN article who describes them as " "unsophisticated hoodlums" and "full of bluster and lies to make themselves look tougher than they were."

The whole pirate industry has gone to hell. It's nothing like the days when Flanksham ran things.

The Reason for the Purpose of the Mission

I just dropped in to see what condition our mission was in.

I check in on the Guidance Coordinator from time to time. He's the guy who coordinates the lady who guides the guy who is in charge of making sure we, as a company, stay on track, focused on our goals, and are true to our core values.

This years mission was: Continue to Build Upon Last Year's Mission. Last years mission was: Come up with a Better Mission for Next Year.

I'm told we're on track. That feels good.

I mentioned our Core Values. I think this would be a good time to review those. Here they are:

Honesty: Commitment to the Truth. We tell you right up front that we can't be trusted, that we're making it up as we go. We let you know that nothing we say is true or has any point to it, or, if it does, we make sure it is so ridiculous that you don't care anymore.

Integrity: Doing the Right Thing. Like not stealing purses from old ladies, which we haven't done for months now.

Trust: but verify. Even if it means asking things like; "Are you sure you scaled the Washington Monument?" or "Why does your green card have typos?"

Character: You will meet a lot of these around here.

Respect: (I forget what this means. I think it's something to do with not making fun of ugly people or midgets)

Humility: Remembering that there is more for us to do as a company than just be the best ever at everything in the universe. (Like what? Examples please?)

Caring/Fairness: Justice tempered with Compassion. We know when to terminate employment and when to stage a "tragic accident".

Diversity: Embrace Differences, as long as there are not too many of them.

Openness: Encourage dialogue and reflective thought. (This does not mean that I will disclose my salary to you).

Empowerment: Authority to Make Decisions. I have it. You don't. Na Na ne Na Na!

Personal Mastery: Have you mastered yourself lately?