Perhaps you've heard, a couple of Geese tried to assassinate everyone aboard an Airbus A320 leaving Laguardia Airport on Thursday. They failed, thanks to the pilot's mad skills.
Despite what you might think, the Mexicans were not involved. I know it's hard to believe, but these were Canadian Geese. Canadians, especially the French ones, have never been known for their bravery or selfless acts. But these geese apparently had a mission, one that they knew would ultimately lead to their death. Nevertheless they gave their lives in an attempt to kill the passengers of the jet. That's not to say that the geese are to be heralded as heros. On the contrary. This was a cowardly act that deserves our immediate response.
I have ordered our defense contracting division to re-calibrate the existing secret missile defense system in conjunction with the Distant Early Warning (DEW) radar and satellite network watching the skies over the Canadian border. The re-calibration will allow the early detection and elimination of migratory birds and other flying organisms as they cross our Northern border, allowing the prompt destruction of such airborne enemies.
We must act. These were just geese. If a goose or two can bring down a jet, imagine the damage a flying Canadian human could do. It's almost unthinkable. Picture their flailing bodies plummeting from the skies and throwing themselves into jet engines, or worse, buildings. We must pre-empt this pending attack. I am prepared to do what it takes. Are you with me?
Showing posts with label Motivation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Motivation. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Fonk, Chisel, Chainsaw
It's time for Gesture Lessons. I would like to see these put to use in our daily interactions throughout the company. I believe they will enhance our career experience and boost moral. The following gestures, complete with names and instructions on how to properly execute them, are something that I learned from co-workers as I came up through the ranks of the company. It seems we have gotten away from these over the years. Let's bring 'em back.
First, we have the "Fonk". The name of this gesture is meant to simulate the sound of a hammer or other blunt object striking something (more like someone). To perform this gesture simply make a fist, straighten your elbow and keep your arm stiff. (Don't forget to retain the fist. I know it's a lot to remember.) You are now ready to deploy the Fonk. Raise your arm (while retaining the fist, arm stiff) and bring it down swiftly onto a co-worker's head. (You don't have to use extreme or deadly force, just use enough to keep the element of surprise). The instant your fist contacts the victim's head (this is key) say the word "Fonk" loudly and proudly. You can experiment with the tone and delivery. We used to get creative. My fave was "Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-FONK!"
Next up; "Chisel". This one is named after the tool often used in woodworking and other manual shop-class-type tasks. The Chisel gesture is similar to the Fonk in the respect that the hand is in the fist position. The arm however, is bent at the elbow. To deploy the Chisel, drive the bent elbow into the victim's ribs and use the free hand to "hammer" on the fist of the bent arm while retaining your-elbow-to-victim's-rib contact. Imagine your elbow as the chisel blade and your fist as the head of the chisel. Your free hand is the hammer driving the blade home. Once again, the goal is not to hurt the victim but just to catch them off-guard and make them uncomfortable. You're not busting concrete blocks here. The vocalization of the chisel begins when contact is made. You're gong to use the word "Chisel" but the inflection of this one is important. You must use a falsetto voice and draw out the word. If only you could here me when I say "chiiiizzzzzellll".
Lastly, the "Chainsaw". This is named after a dog I had when I was six. Not really. It's named after a chainsaw of course. The arm position on this one is the same as the "Fonk". The delivery is different however. Get the arm in position with the straight elbow. Instead of a fist, use an open hand, like a karate-chop. Now, imagine you arm is actually a chainsaw. You need to start it up to make it work. Use your other arm (assuming you have one) to make the motions of pull-starting. Add a few sound-effects for authenticity. To my knowledge, there is no chainsaw that starts on the first pull. Be sure yours takes two or three pulls before starting. Once it "starts" your ready to deploy. On the final imaginary pull of the rope, the one that actually starts the imaginary motor, you'll need your best chainsaw sound to be coming out of your mouth (assuming you have one) full force while simultaneously raising the arm and placing the side of your open-hand-chainsaw-blade on some part of the victim's body. Apply moderate pressure and hold it on the victim while continuing to simulate the sound of a revved-up chainsaw.
So there you have it. Some fun and fantastic gestures that you probably never would have discovered on your own. I believe you will find these useful when directed at someone who has just insulted you, someone who has just said something stupid, or someone who is just stupid. Practice these on your friends and family for a few days, then bring them to work with you. I will expecting to see these in action by Monday.
Enjoy.
First, we have the "Fonk". The name of this gesture is meant to simulate the sound of a hammer or other blunt object striking something (more like someone). To perform this gesture simply make a fist, straighten your elbow and keep your arm stiff. (Don't forget to retain the fist. I know it's a lot to remember.) You are now ready to deploy the Fonk. Raise your arm (while retaining the fist, arm stiff) and bring it down swiftly onto a co-worker's head. (You don't have to use extreme or deadly force, just use enough to keep the element of surprise). The instant your fist contacts the victim's head (this is key) say the word "Fonk" loudly and proudly. You can experiment with the tone and delivery. We used to get creative. My fave was "Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-FONK!"
Next up; "Chisel". This one is named after the tool often used in woodworking and other manual shop-class-type tasks. The Chisel gesture is similar to the Fonk in the respect that the hand is in the fist position. The arm however, is bent at the elbow. To deploy the Chisel, drive the bent elbow into the victim's ribs and use the free hand to "hammer" on the fist of the bent arm while retaining your-elbow-to-victim's-rib contact. Imagine your elbow as the chisel blade and your fist as the head of the chisel. Your free hand is the hammer driving the blade home. Once again, the goal is not to hurt the victim but just to catch them off-guard and make them uncomfortable. You're not busting concrete blocks here. The vocalization of the chisel begins when contact is made. You're gong to use the word "Chisel" but the inflection of this one is important. You must use a falsetto voice and draw out the word. If only you could here me when I say "chiiiizzzzzellll".
Lastly, the "Chainsaw". This is named after a dog I had when I was six. Not really. It's named after a chainsaw of course. The arm position on this one is the same as the "Fonk". The delivery is different however. Get the arm in position with the straight elbow. Instead of a fist, use an open hand, like a karate-chop. Now, imagine you arm is actually a chainsaw. You need to start it up to make it work. Use your other arm (assuming you have one) to make the motions of pull-starting. Add a few sound-effects for authenticity. To my knowledge, there is no chainsaw that starts on the first pull. Be sure yours takes two or three pulls before starting. Once it "starts" your ready to deploy. On the final imaginary pull of the rope, the one that actually starts the imaginary motor, you'll need your best chainsaw sound to be coming out of your mouth (assuming you have one) full force while simultaneously raising the arm and placing the side of your open-hand-chainsaw-blade on some part of the victim's body. Apply moderate pressure and hold it on the victim while continuing to simulate the sound of a revved-up chainsaw.
So there you have it. Some fun and fantastic gestures that you probably never would have discovered on your own. I believe you will find these useful when directed at someone who has just insulted you, someone who has just said something stupid, or someone who is just stupid. Practice these on your friends and family for a few days, then bring them to work with you. I will expecting to see these in action by Monday.
Enjoy.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
A Burrito Away from Catastrophe - How One Woman Saved Monday
Please join me in thanking Janice "Boobs" Malone for her outstanding contribution to the company, her out-of-the-box thinking, and her clever use of common household items for the betterment of the work-environment.
Before I explain the thank-worthy action that Boobs selflessly executed, allow me to lay some groundwork. You see, yesterday was Monday. As you know, scientifically speaking, Monday is the longest day of the week. I think it's like 46 hours and 22 minutes long or something like that. This long day, coupled with the effects of returning from a two-day break known as a "weekend", can often times cause the atmosphere around the office to be sort of dull, ho-hum, pissy, or otherwise unbearable.
While we're coupling things, let's take the two items coupled above, after having coupled them into one, and couple that with the fact that there are so many assholes working here. In many, all this coupling can cause depression, rage, anxiety, boredom, tension, the feeling that your reason for living is gone (not to mention scurvy). But not Janice.
She had a plan. Yesterday, about 23 hours into the first Monday of the week, she executed this plan flawlessly. Everyone in the office, nay, the building got the chance to break out of that Monday rut. They were forced to drop what they were doing and stand up, stretch, and go outside for some fresh air. If the truth be known, the plan that Janice devised and acted out actually saved lives. Nerpert in the IT Department confided in me that he was about go on a machete-wielding rampage throughout the place before his psychopathic trance was broken by Janice's brilliant effort.
Here's how Janice "Boobs" Malone, Vice-President of Arts, Crafts, and Taste Bud Manipulation, saved lives, revived us all, and made the CNN news ticker:
Around lunchtime (23 o'clock pm), Janice went to the breakroom. She removed her lunch sack from the refrigerator, took out a single microwaveable burrito - bean and cheese I think. She placed the burrito on a decorative paper plate - a nice plaid pattern in shades of brown. She put the burrito/plate combo into the microwave, closed the door, and set it for 13 minutes. She then walked calmly out of the breakroom, down the hall, out the office doors- down the stairs and into the parking lot where she stood and waited. She was hardly able to contain her excitement. She did the best she could, making small-talk with Tammy Gingerale from Inspections.
It wasn't long before she realized that her plan had worked. As the door to the stairwell opened and people began pouring out, she could clearly hear the sound of the fire alarm sirens wailing. As the building occupants emptied onto the parking lot, she managed to keep her cool, asking other co-workers if they set off the alarm.
Eventually, the fire department showed up and found the culprit. The evidence was there; one severely charred, hollowed-out burrito-shaped device on a burned up plaid paper plate in shades of brown, and now black. Janice finally claimed responsibility, but she did a fine job of acting surprised and embarrassed to keep up the act.
After an hour or so, everyone was allowed to return to work, but not before the realization that they were living the most memorable Monday of their lives. Today, they are still talking about it. Knowing what I know now, I realize that her actions quite possibly saved my life and many others. Janice just smiles.
Thanks Boobs.
Before I explain the thank-worthy action that Boobs selflessly executed, allow me to lay some groundwork. You see, yesterday was Monday. As you know, scientifically speaking, Monday is the longest day of the week. I think it's like 46 hours and 22 minutes long or something like that. This long day, coupled with the effects of returning from a two-day break known as a "weekend", can often times cause the atmosphere around the office to be sort of dull, ho-hum, pissy, or otherwise unbearable.
While we're coupling things, let's take the two items coupled above, after having coupled them into one, and couple that with the fact that there are so many assholes working here. In many, all this coupling can cause depression, rage, anxiety, boredom, tension, the feeling that your reason for living is gone (not to mention scurvy). But not Janice.
She had a plan. Yesterday, about 23 hours into the first Monday of the week, she executed this plan flawlessly. Everyone in the office, nay, the building got the chance to break out of that Monday rut. They were forced to drop what they were doing and stand up, stretch, and go outside for some fresh air. If the truth be known, the plan that Janice devised and acted out actually saved lives. Nerpert in the IT Department confided in me that he was about go on a machete-wielding rampage throughout the place before his psychopathic trance was broken by Janice's brilliant effort.
Here's how Janice "Boobs" Malone, Vice-President of Arts, Crafts, and Taste Bud Manipulation, saved lives, revived us all, and made the CNN news ticker:
Around lunchtime (23 o'clock pm), Janice went to the breakroom. She removed her lunch sack from the refrigerator, took out a single microwaveable burrito - bean and cheese I think. She placed the burrito on a decorative paper plate - a nice plaid pattern in shades of brown. She put the burrito/plate combo into the microwave, closed the door, and set it for 13 minutes. She then walked calmly out of the breakroom, down the hall, out the office doors- down the stairs and into the parking lot where she stood and waited. She was hardly able to contain her excitement. She did the best she could, making small-talk with Tammy Gingerale from Inspections.
It wasn't long before she realized that her plan had worked. As the door to the stairwell opened and people began pouring out, she could clearly hear the sound of the fire alarm sirens wailing. As the building occupants emptied onto the parking lot, she managed to keep her cool, asking other co-workers if they set off the alarm.
Eventually, the fire department showed up and found the culprit. The evidence was there; one severely charred, hollowed-out burrito-shaped device on a burned up plaid paper plate in shades of brown, and now black. Janice finally claimed responsibility, but she did a fine job of acting surprised and embarrassed to keep up the act.
After an hour or so, everyone was allowed to return to work, but not before the realization that they were living the most memorable Monday of their lives. Today, they are still talking about it. Knowing what I know now, I realize that her actions quite possibly saved my life and many others. Janice just smiles.
Thanks Boobs.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
The Top Five (Three) Ways to Get Your Sell On
It doesn't matter if you're selling widgets, timeshares, mustard, tonsils, or your soul. It makes no difference if you sell in a store, door to door, or hanging upside-down under a bridge. No matter what your personal sales situation may be, if you're doing face-to-face sales and you really want to sell MORE, you will benefit from this advice.
I have sold the living piss out of everything from toilet seat-covers to Luxury yachts so I know what I'm talking about. Don't even question it. Just read and do. Here is a list of some keys to my success:
1) Look the part. You must know who you are selling to and the relationship between the buyer and the product. Then you must dress to fit. For example, used car salespeople should wear dark glasses, a gold chain, a button down shirt with the top three buttons undone, stonewashed jeans, boots, and a leather blazer. To borrow a line from the movie Anchorman.....Sixty percent of the time it works every time!! Another example; if you sell investments or annuities, wear a Big Bird costume. It almost never fails.
2) Talk the talk. While I would always encourage you to be yourself and be honest with the customer, sometimes it's nice to bend a little and be what they want you to be. This is especially true in the way you speak. If your customer seems to swear a lot, drop a couple of f-bombs for good measure. You'll gain respect. If your customer speaks with an accent, you should attempt to speak with the exact same accent. It will be a little uncomfortable at first, but you'll get used to it. Before you know it, your customer will be trying to figure out if they know you from "back home". Please please please, do not use words like "fiduciary" or "philanthropic" when selling a Popsicle to a fourth grader.
3) Walk the walk. Everyone feels sorry for someone who limps. Always act gimpy. Be consistent. Always favor the same leg and stay in character. You should hobble from the time you wake up until you go to bed....even in your own home. It must be convincing. You never know when a potential customer might be watching. You will also need a story about how this happened to you. I usually encourage people to use injury rather than disease, although this depends on what you are selling. Lawn-mower salespeople may say that their old lawnmower attacked them one day because it wasn't equipped with a certain safety feature....it just so happens that the model they sell DOES indeed have that safety feature. SOLD! If you are selling army surplus, it's a war injury. Flowers; killer bee attack...and so on. But, it would be acceptable to use diabetes as your story if you sell, let's say, blood-sugar testers.
I know these tips will probably hopefully and maybe help you sell your product to more people and create a sense of confidence in you that will stay with you long after your customers have gone elsewhere. Read them, memorize them, live them. Put your own spin on these tips and customize them for your industry. Send me your success stories or include them in your comments.
I have sold the living piss out of everything from toilet seat-covers to Luxury yachts so I know what I'm talking about. Don't even question it. Just read and do. Here is a list of some keys to my success:
1) Look the part. You must know who you are selling to and the relationship between the buyer and the product. Then you must dress to fit. For example, used car salespeople should wear dark glasses, a gold chain, a button down shirt with the top three buttons undone, stonewashed jeans, boots, and a leather blazer. To borrow a line from the movie Anchorman.....Sixty percent of the time it works every time!! Another example; if you sell investments or annuities, wear a Big Bird costume. It almost never fails.
2) Talk the talk. While I would always encourage you to be yourself and be honest with the customer, sometimes it's nice to bend a little and be what they want you to be. This is especially true in the way you speak. If your customer seems to swear a lot, drop a couple of f-bombs for good measure. You'll gain respect. If your customer speaks with an accent, you should attempt to speak with the exact same accent. It will be a little uncomfortable at first, but you'll get used to it. Before you know it, your customer will be trying to figure out if they know you from "back home". Please please please, do not use words like "fiduciary" or "philanthropic" when selling a Popsicle to a fourth grader.
3) Walk the walk. Everyone feels sorry for someone who limps. Always act gimpy. Be consistent. Always favor the same leg and stay in character. You should hobble from the time you wake up until you go to bed....even in your own home. It must be convincing. You never know when a potential customer might be watching. You will also need a story about how this happened to you. I usually encourage people to use injury rather than disease, although this depends on what you are selling. Lawn-mower salespeople may say that their old lawnmower attacked them one day because it wasn't equipped with a certain safety feature....it just so happens that the model they sell DOES indeed have that safety feature. SOLD! If you are selling army surplus, it's a war injury. Flowers; killer bee attack...and so on. But, it would be acceptable to use diabetes as your story if you sell, let's say, blood-sugar testers.
I know these tips will probably hopefully and maybe help you sell your product to more people and create a sense of confidence in you that will stay with you long after your customers have gone elsewhere. Read them, memorize them, live them. Put your own spin on these tips and customize them for your industry. Send me your success stories or include them in your comments.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
The Reason for the Purpose of the Mission
I just dropped in to see what condition our mission was in.
I check in on the Guidance Coordinator from time to time. He's the guy who coordinates the lady who guides the guy who is in charge of making sure we, as a company, stay on track, focused on our goals, and are true to our core values.
This years mission was: Continue to Build Upon Last Year's Mission. Last years mission was: Come up with a Better Mission for Next Year.
I'm told we're on track. That feels good.
I mentioned our Core Values. I think this would be a good time to review those. Here they are:
Honesty: Commitment to the Truth. We tell you right up front that we can't be trusted, that we're making it up as we go. We let you know that nothing we say is true or has any point to it, or, if it does, we make sure it is so ridiculous that you don't care anymore.
Integrity: Doing the Right Thing. Like not stealing purses from old ladies, which we haven't done for months now.
Trust: but verify. Even if it means asking things like; "Are you sure you scaled the Washington Monument?" or "Why does your green card have typos?"
Character: You will meet a lot of these around here.
Respect: (I forget what this means. I think it's something to do with not making fun of ugly people or midgets)
Humility: Remembering that there is more for us to do as a company than just be the best ever at everything in the universe. (Like what? Examples please?)
Caring/Fairness: Justice tempered with Compassion. We know when to terminate employment and when to stage a "tragic accident".
Diversity: Embrace Differences, as long as there are not too many of them.
Openness: Encourage dialogue and reflective thought. (This does not mean that I will disclose my salary to you).
Empowerment: Authority to Make Decisions. I have it. You don't. Na Na ne Na Na!
Personal Mastery: Have you mastered yourself lately?
I check in on the Guidance Coordinator from time to time. He's the guy who coordinates the lady who guides the guy who is in charge of making sure we, as a company, stay on track, focused on our goals, and are true to our core values.
This years mission was: Continue to Build Upon Last Year's Mission. Last years mission was: Come up with a Better Mission for Next Year.
I'm told we're on track. That feels good.
I mentioned our Core Values. I think this would be a good time to review those. Here they are:
Honesty: Commitment to the Truth. We tell you right up front that we can't be trusted, that we're making it up as we go. We let you know that nothing we say is true or has any point to it, or, if it does, we make sure it is so ridiculous that you don't care anymore.
Integrity: Doing the Right Thing. Like not stealing purses from old ladies, which we haven't done for months now.
Trust: but verify. Even if it means asking things like; "Are you sure you scaled the Washington Monument?" or "Why does your green card have typos?"
Character: You will meet a lot of these around here.
Respect: (I forget what this means. I think it's something to do with not making fun of ugly people or midgets)
Humility: Remembering that there is more for us to do as a company than just be the best ever at everything in the universe. (Like what? Examples please?)
Caring/Fairness: Justice tempered with Compassion. We know when to terminate employment and when to stage a "tragic accident".
Diversity: Embrace Differences, as long as there are not too many of them.
Openness: Encourage dialogue and reflective thought. (This does not mean that I will disclose my salary to you).
Empowerment: Authority to Make Decisions. I have it. You don't. Na Na ne Na Na!
Personal Mastery: Have you mastered yourself lately?
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
The Crock, Inc. Energy Policy: Beef it Up
Here at Crock, Inc., we believe that happiness in the workplace starts at the top. We strive to empower and motivate our staff by creating a positive atmosphere in which they may grow. I personally hold a short motivational seminar each month to rejuvenate the peons...I mean..the workforce.
Now, especially for you, I'm going to reveal the subject matter of next month's motivational seminar. It's centered around one word;
Energy.
Why energy, you ask? Well let's take a look at some synonyms for the word "energy" and see how it can be applied in the workplace.
Energy, a noun, is synonymous with Drive, Efficiency, and Endurance. We encourage all of these. Also, Liveliness, Might , and Moxie. We love those too. Pep, Pizzazz, Power. The first two are great. The third; we'll be sure and limit that one to avoid problems. What about Spirit, Stamina, and Strength? All positive and condoned by management.
Here's something that I found interesting: get-up-and-go is one word. Go figure. It's also a synonym for energy.
As I researched, I found all of this to be great and applicable. That is until I saw one word that did not seem to belong. According to Roget's New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.3.1)Copyright © 2008 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved, this word is also synonymous with energy. The word is..........BEEF! You heard it here first. Beef=Energy. If you don't believe me, check it out here.
Now I'm working on incorporating this into my seminar. How is beef motivational? I'm thinking of going the route of "Where's the Beef?" as a catch phrase to be said whenever someone is a little off their goame or feeling down. Or perhaps "Beefing up" our daily routine. Maybe even something like "Need a pick-me-up? Just add Beef!". Moo-tivational? There is a lot at steak.
Whatever.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)