Keeping Your Job While Your Co-workers Get the Axe

As the media continues to pound negative economic news into the minds of the masses, there will undoubtedly be some impact on the reality of the job market, the stock market, and the economy in general. The fact is, it's already started to show itself. It won't be long and the whole "Corporate Downsizing" theme will hit the news again, or the "Outsourcing of Jobs" topic shows up in the headlines again. As an executive of a major false corporation, I can't express to you how sick it all makes me. What I can do, is offer you some advice that may help you remain employed when your company starts to cut or move jobs. I will now cast my analysis upon an ehow.com article on job security. This is my public service duty for the year, so enjoy. (Items in italics are from the article).


Step 1:Examine the requirements and qualifications of your current job.

If your job can be done by a high school student or an animal, you may be in trouble (unless you are a high school student or an animal). I know there are some very smart monkeys out there but you, as an adult human, are going to need some kind of a skill if you want to keep your job. Juggling, burping the alphabet, and solving a Rubik's Cube with your toes are not really marketable skills.


Step 2:Check the education requirements of the current job.

Did you graduate High School? Actually, that does not matter as much as if you can read or write, or comprehend simple instructions. Most jobs will not allow you to remain employed if you are not able to perform the task assigned. If your supervisor tells you to but tab A into slot B for eight hours every day, you will be lucky if you're still employed after asking him to repeat the instructions for the twelfth time. However, if you are one of those people, and you can hang in there long enough, new legislation may make it impossible for your employer to fire you. You could get your prosthetic arm stuck in the press every five minutes and you'd still be entitled to your job. Soon, it will be against the law to discriminate against stupidity. Good luck to you.


Step 3:Ask your supervisor about extra assignments or duties that you can do. Putting forth extra effort in the current job will help you develop a reputation as a person who is willing to go the extra mile.

So true. Brown-nose hard! Get right in there and ask if they need some shoes shined, laundry done, yards mowed, etc. Polish their balls. Give it your all, they'll love you. Really.


Step 4:Display a positive attitude.

Smile once in a while. It never killed anyone (smile as if to proclaim "I've never killed anyone"). When someone asks you how it's going, tell them in a positive manner. Don't grumble and complain or kick them in the crotch. Chances are they didn't really care anyway, they just asked to be nice. If you're negative, they will move on and not think of you again. If you're happy and upbeat, they will remember (or think you're loony). They will want to hang out with you (or hang you). Also remember to whistle all the time. Constantly. There are plenty of songs to whistle that will boost your moral (and make those you work with want to dump your body in the nearest river). Try the theme to the Andy Griffith Show, or Otis Redding's Dock of the Bay, or even Patience by Guns n' Roses.


Step 5:Offer to take a salary cut if the company is cutting back or experiencing a severe budget crisis.

Walk right up to the office and demand a pay cut. Ask them if it would be possible to work for without pay two days a week. That'll really get 'em loving you. It may get you reduced to a two day work week also. Dude! Sweet! If you get fired after this one, I can no longer be of assistance to you.


Step 6:Stay late, and put in extra effort where needed.

Work your two day week, but stay late both days. Hell, arrive early too. Show them your commitment to the company and the job.


Step 7:Connect with the co-workers and management by participating in activities outside of the job.

Consider having everyone over to your place, at your own expense. Set the bar high and set it early. Start drinking before the guests arrive and really pound 'em down. Be sure you are good and "crocked" by the time everyone arrives so that they see what kind of a party it's going to be. Throwing up wouldn't hurt either. Especially if you could get a little on the shoes of the bosses wife. This is a great ice-breaker and it will be talked about for weeks to come.


You're welcome in advance.