Technologicalizationism

Just a quick rundown of a few Crock Awesomificating Technologies. One is new, one is old, and one is still conceptual in nature.

UUR- Undetectable Universal Reset-
In production since 2002, this impressive (albeit useless) technology is usually implemented by a physical button-press type of manuever but could be activated by a mouse click or screen tap as well. When activated, the UUR resets the entire universe and restarts it at the precise moment of the activation, making it seem as though nothing happened. Remarkably, the memory of the activation remains, thus causing the unknowing user to experience bewilderment, confusion and occassionally, anger. It sometimes even causes the "client" to attempt the action again and again. The unhelpful nature of this technology and the lack of any practical or worthwhile application for it does not diminish it's grandeur. It did, afterall, take us two non-consecutive hours to think of. So, if you've ever pressed a button, clicked a link, or tapped an icon and nothing happened, that's what we want you to believe. In reality, you might have been UUR'd. You'll think of us next time the batteries are dead in your remote control.

Coin-toss Manipulator (CoMan)-
This is just what the name suggests. It's small profile is a key selling feature in that it is often important for implementation to be discrete. Weighing in at a mere 43 pounds the device kinda fits into a large suitcase or may be mostly concealed underneath a sombrero of exaggerated proportions. (we plan an update sometime next year that will eliminate the 96 decible buzzing sound). Use of this technology in clinical trial coin-tosses provided a 50.02% predictability of outcomes factor. In 10,000 tosses, where the CoMan was set to "heads" the tossing resulted in 5002 heads, 4997 tails, and one time the coin landed upright in a plate of potato salad placed on the floor to simulate real-world conditions. Pretty impressive. You may have noticed this technology in action at the Super Bowl this year. Incidentally, our researchers are now studying the coin-atrraction properties of potato salad.

Marsupial Detector (concept)-
Used to determine if there are any marsupials in the immediate vicinity. Critics are not thrilled with this one. They say things like "this one should be called the UUT- Utterly Unnecessary Technology", or "Why?.....Why?". But we don't care. We think it will come in handy if you are allergic to kangaroos, or if you need to find the nearest wallabee, or better yet, if you want to find out if someone is just playing possum or is actually an oppossum. We know. Amazing right? Our team is working diligently on this one. It has been rumored that a group of blind one-armed Gabonese pigmy scientists is developing a similar product but we believe we are in the drivers seat on this one.

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