Here You Go. You're Welcome.

Oh hell yeeeyah! I finally get to do that one thing I believe I was born and sent here to do.  Well, no.  There are closer to fifteen reasons I was born and sent into your life.  But this is just one of them, and I haven't gotten to do this for several days.  Before I tell you what it is, allow me to toy with you for a long time first.  

I can give hints if you want.  Do you like guessing games? NO GAMES!  Get to work!  Actually and realistically, all kidding aside, get back to work.  By "work" I mean finish reading this.  It is actually and factually mandatory that you read it.  If you don't read it you will be suffocated by used garbage bags clinging to you nose and mouth.  If you stop half way through you will be covered entirely, head to toe, in the juice that has been sucked out of people's mouths by that tiny vacuum thing the dentist uses.  And if you read but fail to comprehend, you will be placed on a step stool in the cafeteria wearing only a catchers mask while coworkers stab you repeatedly with bendy straws.  Yeah, I guess you better read on.  Don't you think, chief?

Oh shit!  Almost forgot.  The hints!  

What I am about to do will certainly be a topic of conversation amongst the hourlies for quite some time to come.  It will have a dramatic impact on their loathing of themselves and life in general, and the trend will upwards.  This thing I am about to do will change the way workplace violence is conducted, and the trend will be towards quickly and often.

Have you guessed it yet?  No?  Let me just go ahead and tell you:  I am introducing a new process.

I love introducing new processes almost as much as all of you love new processes. That's why I, and you, are about to become whipped into a frothing frenzy of excitement at the process that I have the somewhat twisted pleasure of foisting upon you below.

As you probably know, the process is necessary because one guy did something bad a few weeks ago and I have lost complete confidence that any of you can function at any productive level without my indirect knowledge and approval.  That's the reason for all new processes.  So, in order to make me happy, I have implemented the following very simple and efficient new process for clocking in.

For hourly employees: 

Before you clock in for the day you must perform the following steps:

1) Complete form #2163.45H Permission to Clock In.  

2) Obtain signature from your direct manager.

3) Have the signed form notorized by a licensed Notary Public with two non-corporate witnesses present.

4) Scan in the notarized form using a non-corporate scanner and email it to permissionforeverything@crockinc.com

5) Mail the original signed and notarized form in a non-corporate envelope with non-corporate postage to: Crock, Inc. Permissions Department, PO Box 12001 Hattlebury, ZB 00200-12001

6) Wait for the official confirmation email from someone in the permissions department (allow 4-6 weeks for delivery).

7) Print the confirmation email and repeat steps 1-4 using that printed confirmation email instead of the permission form.

8) Once you receive a confirmation email that your confirmation email has been confirmed, hop on one foot for 30 seconds.

9) Shout any word that begins with the letter B, loudly, into someone's face.

10) Drink 8 glasses of water.

11) Ponder the impact of ancient societies on the current state of technology

12) You may now clock in.

Please note you must clock out for bathroom breaks, lunch breaks, smoke breaks, and any other type of break.  Please follow the new process when clocking in after breaks.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation in the implementation of this new process. We strongly believe this will greatly increase the happiness of the man at the top and greatly diminish everyone else's will to live.