Chronicles of a Desk Drawer

It seems like something is missing from my desk.  The top drawer.  Its completely gone! 

Oh wait.  No.  There it is.  Someone must have put it back right when I said that.

I better make sure everything is still in there.  Hmmmm.  There's my box of paperclips.  Why do I even have those?  I wish I had a magnet.  Paperclips and magnets make for thrity seconds of joy that can't be matched. 

Look at these stupid-ass pencils!   Ha ha!  Those things are so grade school.  They're for people who make mistakes.  I have no use for them.  Or do I?  Here's a pencil sharpener.  For those of you who don't know, a pencil sharpener is a device that is used to hone a pointy tip on the end of a pencil opposite the eraser. And if you're wondering, the eraser is the rubbery thing on one end of a pencil that you use when you need to remove incorrect math or delete curse words.  I could fashion some sort of missle out of these pencils and they might stick in the ceiling.  That could be entertaining.

Here's a business card . Look at this guy.  What an idiot!  Neuroscientist?  What kind of job is that?  Guess he should have gone to college.  Dr. Robert Gingham, you are a failure! And you're tie is ridiculous.

Ah ha!  My letter opener.  I have always wondered why they call it that.  Usually things are named more practically. I would think they could have gone with something that gives a better indication of what the thing is used for.  For instance, they could have called it a nearly useless knife, an oversized tooth pick, or a.......wait a minute!  There's a magnet!  Where'd those paperclips go?  There they are.  Excuse me for thiry seconds.

I'm back!  Completely theraputic, that was.

What else do I have in here.  I thought I had some vodka but all I see is whiskey and pot.  I mean, oregano.

Who took my waffles? I had a whole box of waffles in here and they're gone!  Oh well.  I left the syrup in my other pants anyway.

The next person who gives me a shitty promotional pen is getting a nearly useless knife in the eyeball.  Geez!  I must have four to five hundred thousand of these things.  Value Insurance, Drake Home Remodeling, Harold's Discount Smoke Shop, and here is good one:  Primo Pens and Promotional Items.  I'm calling these people later.  Going to tell them to come and look at the hell they created in my life.

Well now I'm shocked!  I thought for sure someone would have stolen this picture of some goody-looking couple and the ugly kids with a bunch of teeth.  

Oops.  Not my desk.  Gotta go.