I'm sure you know someone who just seems to poke a straw in your head and slowly suck every last ounce of joy out of you and they keep sucking until it makes that slurpy gurgling sound so they pull the straw in and out several times while shaking you to try and get the ice cubes out of the way so the straw can get down farther in case they might have missed a drop or two, figuratively of course. Or maybe you yourself are that sort of joy-suck who prefers to be miserable and has a deep primitive need for others to come along for the ride. Either way, you could find the following list of things enjoyable. (Which means half of you will hate it and the other half will listen to you bitch about it.
1) There is nothing more uplifting than watching a happy-go-lucky person fall and receive injuries.
2) A good day is easily ruined by a smile from a stranger.
3) Most people would rather eat a bag of live wasps than listen to you laugh.
4) Sure it might be a good joke but don't laugh or a demon will remove your gall bladder and spleen.
5) Fun is only for people who have no ability to hate everything, including furry little kittens.
6) At first you won't succeed, and it only gets worse from there.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Monday, November 5, 2012
How to Avoid Stabbing Yourself with Sharp Objects
This particular problem is far more complex than it seems on the surface. There are intricacies, dynamics, nuisances that must be explored before one can fully formulate an effective strategy to avoid a self-inflicted stab wound by a miscellaneous sharp object.
A cursory glance at the problem may lead to the over-simplified simple easy-peasy obvious conclusion that one can avoid this type of injury by just simply not stabbing themselves with a sharp object. Seems simple enough. Unfortunately, many times the message falls on deaf ears. That, in and of itself is not terrible because deaf ears are not sharp objects (please leave The Vulcans out of this). But, falling on, let's say, a javelin, could pose a potentially bloody problem. We can't just assume that those who stab themselves with sharp objects do so intentionally. Are there some who do? Sure. But even the most dedicated masochist has to be reminded of certain dangers. "Don't run with scissors" grandma used to say.
So we all agree that some sharp object self-stabbing injuries are accidental. But how do we avoid these? Once again, it would oversimplify the problem to say, in simple terms, "Be careful! That's sharp!"
"Hell I know it's sharp! It's a friggin harpoon! Do I look like an idiot? Oh damn! It's in my eye! Ouch! Pain!"
Yes. Now you do look like an idiot. Harpoons in the eye have that effect.
I'm sure there are statistics on this but you'll have to look them up yourself as I tell you what I think you'll find. At least 87% of all self-inflicted stab wounds come while the victim is trying to open something harmless with something harmful. Opening a beef jerky with an ice pick. A wine bottle with a steak knife. An enemy's neck with a broken wine bottle. Just a few examples.
The best advice I can offer, and this is key, is to use the right tool for the job. Corkscrews are for wine bottles. They are made to remove the cork from the bottle. They are not meant to pry open a pickle jar. Who decided that pickles should be sealed in their containers by lids with suction force witchcraft? There is only one tool on earth that can defeat this kind of sorcery. If you said "broadsword", you're right. Heed this warning and save a few stitches. If one more person misses work with the "pitchfork in my abdomen" excuse we'll probably have to start with the safety meetings again. And I for one would rather drive toothpicks under my toenails using a bayonetted rifle as a hammer.
A cursory glance at the problem may lead to the over-simplified simple easy-peasy obvious conclusion that one can avoid this type of injury by just simply not stabbing themselves with a sharp object. Seems simple enough. Unfortunately, many times the message falls on deaf ears. That, in and of itself is not terrible because deaf ears are not sharp objects (please leave The Vulcans out of this). But, falling on, let's say, a javelin, could pose a potentially bloody problem. We can't just assume that those who stab themselves with sharp objects do so intentionally. Are there some who do? Sure. But even the most dedicated masochist has to be reminded of certain dangers. "Don't run with scissors" grandma used to say.
So we all agree that some sharp object self-stabbing injuries are accidental. But how do we avoid these? Once again, it would oversimplify the problem to say, in simple terms, "Be careful! That's sharp!"
"Hell I know it's sharp! It's a friggin harpoon! Do I look like an idiot? Oh damn! It's in my eye! Ouch! Pain!"
Yes. Now you do look like an idiot. Harpoons in the eye have that effect.
I'm sure there are statistics on this but you'll have to look them up yourself as I tell you what I think you'll find. At least 87% of all self-inflicted stab wounds come while the victim is trying to open something harmless with something harmful. Opening a beef jerky with an ice pick. A wine bottle with a steak knife. An enemy's neck with a broken wine bottle. Just a few examples.
The best advice I can offer, and this is key, is to use the right tool for the job. Corkscrews are for wine bottles. They are made to remove the cork from the bottle. They are not meant to pry open a pickle jar. Who decided that pickles should be sealed in their containers by lids with suction force witchcraft? There is only one tool on earth that can defeat this kind of sorcery. If you said "broadsword", you're right. Heed this warning and save a few stitches. If one more person misses work with the "pitchfork in my abdomen" excuse we'll probably have to start with the safety meetings again. And I for one would rather drive toothpicks under my toenails using a bayonetted rifle as a hammer.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Triple Coupon Bonus
Just a quick announcement:
You may have noticed our coupon in your local paper over the past four years, but we doubt it. Since no one has actually cashed one in, we're pretty sure you've missed them. We've been offering a "buy one get one" deal on our experimental IQ-enhancing herbal supplement and X-ray vision defense tablets. No takers. Sooooo, this month only, triple coupon values!! Don't miss it. Buy three get three free!!
Please keep in mind that, like most coupons, the time it takes to find the thing, cut it out, and drive around town finding someone that stocks the product, is far more trouble than the coupon is worth. In addition, you'll have to cut through a better coupon on the back of ours, therefore voiding something you wanted much more. For example, this week in Topeka, the deal on the back of our coupon was for 75 cents off Charmin toilet paper eight-pack. In Reno, half price moonshine. Guarantee no one's gonna cut that in half to cash in our stupid deal for a stupid product that kills four out of four stupid laboratory animals that try the stupid stuff. I don't get it. Have you noticed how easily it seems lab mice get sick and die? It's craziness. They have to be the most unhealthy creatures on earth. Maybe we should start experimenting on a more hearty animals, like Zebras or Rugby players.
You may have noticed our coupon in your local paper over the past four years, but we doubt it. Since no one has actually cashed one in, we're pretty sure you've missed them. We've been offering a "buy one get one" deal on our experimental IQ-enhancing herbal supplement and X-ray vision defense tablets. No takers. Sooooo, this month only, triple coupon values!! Don't miss it. Buy three get three free!!
Please keep in mind that, like most coupons, the time it takes to find the thing, cut it out, and drive around town finding someone that stocks the product, is far more trouble than the coupon is worth. In addition, you'll have to cut through a better coupon on the back of ours, therefore voiding something you wanted much more. For example, this week in Topeka, the deal on the back of our coupon was for 75 cents off Charmin toilet paper eight-pack. In Reno, half price moonshine. Guarantee no one's gonna cut that in half to cash in our stupid deal for a stupid product that kills four out of four stupid laboratory animals that try the stupid stuff. I don't get it. Have you noticed how easily it seems lab mice get sick and die? It's craziness. They have to be the most unhealthy creatures on earth. Maybe we should start experimenting on a more hearty animals, like Zebras or Rugby players.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Stushinball Denied Cafeteria Access, Sack Lunches to Follow
Phillip Stushinball, you are denied access to the corporate cafeteria plan. Not the insurance plan where you get a choice of different benefits, but the actual cafeteria meals program. You cannot eat food, drink drinks, look at the selection on the salad bar, or get a cup of ice. You cannot enter the cafeteria at all. Not even to say hi to Doris, your wife, who works behind the deli counter. If we catch you trying to smell any aromas from the cafeteria that may find their way into the hall, disciplinary action will be taken.
As you know, we provide free access to everything in the cafeteria (including Doris) to all eligible employees. I'm sure you thought that free lunches would help with your monthly budget. You may have even been socking away that extra cash for the past month while you were on the plan. Maybe you were going to get that hip replacement you've always wanted, or a swimming pool. Looks like you'll have to find another way to save up to $11.49 per day.
You may be thinking to yourself "how can this be? I thought all employees get free cafeteria stuff!".
Well, no. Not really. The benefit is only for ELIGIBLE employees. You are not one of those, and here's why:
If you refer to the online version of the employee handbook (found on the company intranet site under Benefits/Cafeteria/Access/Eligibility/TechnicalSupport/Documents/Forms/Documents/Forms and Documents/Non-essential Documents), you will clearly see the requirements for eligibility under company policy. In addition, in the written copy of the employee handbook, in section 33.41.6.8.112 on page 1267 under the Heading "Miscellaneous Items to Ignore", the policy is outlined in great detail (and tiny little microscopic print).
Under this policy, in order to become eligible, you must submit certain documentation within 30 days of employment. The documentation includes: a copy of your birth certificate, a copy of your driver's license, a notarized copy of a physical exam from a qualified physician, a daily caloric intake estimate, a tooth, and a good joke.
Yesterday marked 30 days of employment and we have not received the required documentation. Your cafeteria access is revoked effective immediately. There is no appeal to this decision. You may attempt to re-enroll in the plan at your 29th anniversary of employment.
We understand that you may find this policy harsh and that it sucks big time for you, but this is the policy and it is strictly enforced (unless you are an executive, a minority, a diabetic, or a fun guy to hang out with on weekends).
Your plea for an exception, even with your verification documentation, will be ignored so please don't bother. We already know you are going to try to claim that you didn't know, that no one told you, and that it isn't fair. But really now Phillip (may we call you Phil?), you have access to the intranet site and the handbook which both make it completely obvious. It's right there for all to see. Plus, two weeks ago we sent a reminder letter to an address in your neighborhood. You can say you didn't receive it but we all know that the postal service......exists. Besides, our notes say we mailed it so you have no leg to stand on. Now, if you can prove that you lost your legs due to diabetes, then we may reconsider.
Have a great day. Also, have Doris throw together a weekly menu for your sack lunch and go get some groceries. Remember to put your name on it though because there are a bunch of people in your department who don't have access to the cafeteria plan for the same reason as you. They are hungry and pissed.
Sincerely,
Supreme Czar of Sub-human Resources
As you know, we provide free access to everything in the cafeteria (including Doris) to all eligible employees. I'm sure you thought that free lunches would help with your monthly budget. You may have even been socking away that extra cash for the past month while you were on the plan. Maybe you were going to get that hip replacement you've always wanted, or a swimming pool. Looks like you'll have to find another way to save up to $11.49 per day.
You may be thinking to yourself "how can this be? I thought all employees get free cafeteria stuff!".
Well, no. Not really. The benefit is only for ELIGIBLE employees. You are not one of those, and here's why:
If you refer to the online version of the employee handbook (found on the company intranet site under Benefits/Cafeteria/Access/Eligibility/TechnicalSupport/Documents/Forms/Documents/Forms and Documents/Non-essential Documents), you will clearly see the requirements for eligibility under company policy. In addition, in the written copy of the employee handbook, in section 33.41.6.8.112 on page 1267 under the Heading "Miscellaneous Items to Ignore", the policy is outlined in great detail (and tiny little microscopic print).
Under this policy, in order to become eligible, you must submit certain documentation within 30 days of employment. The documentation includes: a copy of your birth certificate, a copy of your driver's license, a notarized copy of a physical exam from a qualified physician, a daily caloric intake estimate, a tooth, and a good joke.
Yesterday marked 30 days of employment and we have not received the required documentation. Your cafeteria access is revoked effective immediately. There is no appeal to this decision. You may attempt to re-enroll in the plan at your 29th anniversary of employment.
We understand that you may find this policy harsh and that it sucks big time for you, but this is the policy and it is strictly enforced (unless you are an executive, a minority, a diabetic, or a fun guy to hang out with on weekends).
Your plea for an exception, even with your verification documentation, will be ignored so please don't bother. We already know you are going to try to claim that you didn't know, that no one told you, and that it isn't fair. But really now Phillip (may we call you Phil?), you have access to the intranet site and the handbook which both make it completely obvious. It's right there for all to see. Plus, two weeks ago we sent a reminder letter to an address in your neighborhood. You can say you didn't receive it but we all know that the postal service......exists. Besides, our notes say we mailed it so you have no leg to stand on. Now, if you can prove that you lost your legs due to diabetes, then we may reconsider.
Have a great day. Also, have Doris throw together a weekly menu for your sack lunch and go get some groceries. Remember to put your name on it though because there are a bunch of people in your department who don't have access to the cafeteria plan for the same reason as you. They are hungry and pissed.
Sincerely,
Supreme Czar of Sub-human Resources
Saturday, July 21, 2012
How To Not Exist
Once you've done it, it's very difficult to undo, but still....everyone does it. And every thing, for that matter. There is nothing on earth that doesn't exist, (except this company).
Sure, critics will say that dinosaurs don't exist. But they did! They fall under the category of "things that no longer exist", along with the mastodon, the Mayans, and good customer service.
Some will also say ghosts don't exist, or unicorns don't exist, or whatever but they are incorrect and here's why: because I've seen these things. That makes it impossible for them to not exist. It follows the universal law of existence which states: that which does not exist cannot also exist.
If you think about that too long your brain will completely die for a couple of seconds. Look at it. THAT which does not exist??? What is THAT? And what is IS? If it is, then it exists. Something either IS or it IS NOT.
And THAT.....IS......SOMETHING,
Wait a minute! I've one hundred percent confused myself.
Indians no longer exist. (I mean the kind with all the feathers and face paint, not the hotel owners and tech support people).That's a shame because if anyone could explain what i'm saying it would be an indian. I'm picturing the guy with the big head dress sitting with his legs crossed and tucked under each other (there's a name for that style of sitting but it escapes me). In my vision, he's sitting by a fire and smoking a bitchin' nine-foot pipe. With his face lit softly by the flickering glow and gentle whisps of smoke dancing around his ridiculous hat, he would probably ponder for a bit before smugly saying something like "the sun does not shine on a hawk's wing without permission, and things in the shadows are weeping". And then I would say "that makes absolutely no sense". And he would kill me with a sharp rock.
I'm just gonna go ahead and forget about trying to teach you how to not exist. As you can see, it is quite complex and there is a very good chance that you would accidentally cause your own cerebral aneurism.
Unless, the answer lies within these words. Seek understanding of this message. You won't find it. It doesn't exist. It is not. So there it is.
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