How To Not Exist

Once you've done it, it's very difficult to undo, but still....everyone does it. And every thing, for that matter. There is nothing on earth that doesn't exist, (except this company).

Sure, critics will say that dinosaurs don't exist. But they did! They fall under the category of "things that no longer exist", along with the mastodon, the Mayans, and good customer service.

Some will also say ghosts don't exist, or unicorns don't exist, or whatever but they are incorrect and here's why: because I've seen these things. That makes it impossible for them to not exist. It follows the universal law of existence which states: that which does not exist cannot also exist.

If you think about that too long your brain will completely die for a couple of seconds. Look at it. THAT which does not exist??? What is THAT? And what is IS? If it is, then it exists. Something either IS or it IS NOT.
And THAT.....IS......SOMETHING,

Wait a minute! I've one hundred percent confused myself.

Indians no longer exist. (I mean the kind with all the feathers and face paint, not the hotel owners and tech support people).That's a shame because if anyone could explain what i'm saying it would be an indian. I'm picturing the guy with the big head dress sitting with his legs crossed and tucked under each other (there's a name for that style of sitting but it escapes me). In my vision, he's sitting by a fire and smoking a bitchin' nine-foot pipe. With his face lit softly by the flickering glow and gentle whisps of smoke dancing around his ridiculous hat, he would probably ponder for a bit before smugly saying something like "the sun does not shine on a hawk's wing without permission, and things in the shadows are weeping". And then I would say "that makes absolutely no sense". And he would kill me with a sharp rock.

I'm just gonna go ahead and forget about trying to teach you how to not exist. As you can see, it is quite complex and there is a very good chance that you would accidentally cause your own cerebral aneurism.

Unless, the answer lies within these words. Seek understanding of this message. You won't find it. It doesn't exist. It is not. So there it is.

Directions to Walgreen's

There cannot be anyone alive who has ever asked for them. Cannot be. You can't swing a dead cat around here without hitting a Walgreen's store. It's a good thing too. How many times have you suddenly needed allergy medicine, batteries, donuts, and an oscillating fan all at the same time while traveling across town? Thank goodness you don't have to stop at a CVS for directions because you can clearly see the Walgreen's on the adjacent corner next to the Starbuck's with the Wal-mart behind it.
Speaking of Starbucks....you may need directions to that joint. Not that you can't find it, but you'll need some kind of manual to operate yourself once you enter the place. Can a guy just get a large coffee? NO! They don't have small, medium, and large sizes. They have tall, grande, and venti. Then you have to sign all these release forms and fill out questionnaires to explain that you just want plain ole black coffee.  (Actual Directions Here)

When you shop at Walgreen's, you serve yourself. You go grab what you need, take it to the register and pay the lady with the blue vest who will rarely bother you unless she has a "register reward" coupon that will save you money on something you're buying anyway. It's so easy. Even that sweaty guy in the greeting card aisle who appears to be intoxicated can do it. You don't have to deal with some condescending punk making you feel like you're the stupid one because you refuse to put foamy dairy products in your morning joe. Besides, I really enjoy the blatant ironies of the Walgreen's experience. Like the lady in front of you buying cough medicine and cigarettes. Or the one demanding her four kids to put the candy back on the shelf because "it's not good for you" while she heaves a basket full of cheap beer and pork rinds onto the counter. I love that. It's so refreshing to see a young man taking responsibility as he buys a pregnancy test and package of condoms. And then there is the broken-spirited forty-something guy who obviously doesn't want to be there but he just ran in to grab some tampons for the wife yet somehow finds himself drawn to the cover of the Cosmopolitan magazine at the register, so he grabs one of those too. I'm assuming he just looks at the pictures. You know damn well he didn't ask for directions. In fact, I bet he would tell you he sometimes turns into the parking lot out of habit on his way home, even though he doesn't need anything.

Sure, you can get all the things that Walgreen's sells and more at the Wal-mart. You can even find a blue-vested lady, but it isn't the same lady nor dies she give a flip about any register rewards. And Wal-mart doesn't have those convenient corner lots. I like them. They're convenient

Sometimes, when I'm at Walgreen's, just for kicks I'll walk up to the lady in the blue vest and say, "I'll have a to-go grande pike place roast, 180 degrees, with a single shot of sugar-free vanilla, stirred please.". She'll just laugh and point me next door to the Starbuck's in front of the Wal-mart adjacent to the CVS. I love her so very much. If only we had a couple of her around this place.

Angela Snook Receives Stapler Upgrade

We are pleased to announce today that our own Mrs. Angela Snook has been issued a new stapler. Angela has requested a new stapler forty-six times over her five-year stint as Assistant Binder of Multi-page Documents. As ABMD, Angela is responsible for stapling report pages together, specifically those reports between two and twelve pages in length. By definition, her role requires a decent stapler even though the pages she staples will be separated again when they reach the desk of the Assistant Report Separator (who suddenly thinks she needs a new staple remover).

Mrs. Snook says she is proud to finally have adequate equipment that will allow her to be more efficient and grow in her career. We regret that it has taken so long to make this possible. Apparently we don't place much emphasis on fulfilling requests from lower level employees.

We certainly believe Angela is deserving of the new stapler. To be accurate though, it isn't exactly new. It has been in storage for over seven years and before that it was used as the community stapler for the Marketing department (actually, they probably didn't use it - they don't do anything that requires touching things).

We also share Angela's belief that she will become more efficient. The Swingline model 1725 is a fine piece of equipment. It's easyload chamber makes refilling a snap, and, it is rated for up to 25 pages. Her old stapler was only rated for ten pages. This made stapling those eleven and twelve page reports very difficult. Once she completes the required three-day operational and safety training course, she'll be clicking away with ease. She'll also find the 1725 to be ergonomically pleasing. It even has the ability to be stood on end, taking up less of her valuable empty desk space.

Please join us in congratulating Angela on her great achievement. We wish her all the success that she desires.

Token People: The Guy Who Comes to Work in the Morning Thinking About Lunch and How to Get Involved With Yours

As promised, our second installment of Token People.

You know him. Every office has one. It's 8:02am and he's hovering over your desk asking "What are we doing for lunch today?". Obviously already incorrectly assuming that you want to spend lunch hour with him because you did one time last year. He's the guy who comes to work in the morning thinking about lunch and how he can get involved with yours.

When you tell him you're "brown-baggin' it today" or that you're working through lunch, he acts as though you showed some sign of interest in letting him choose the venue for the two of you to have a sit down meal and chat. He'll respond "I was thinking ribs! We could go to Pappy's and get some of those ribs. They have a special on the honey habenero baby backs. Doesn't that sound good? Some ribs? Maybe some cole slaw and baked beans? Whatdya say?" (now he is ordering for you too)

You restrain the urge for violence and repeat "Not today. I really gotta catch up during lunch.".

He'll turn on the charm. "Come on man!", he"ll say. "Are you some kind of weirdo? Who would rather work than eat some ribs? That's crazy! Besides, I wanted to use this coupon before it expires."

Once again you respond, "Not today."

He will then resort to the classic "I'll drive!" as if that somehow increases the value of his proposition since Pappy's is downstairs in your building.

You'll refuse again and he might mutter something else about ribs as he walks away. But it isn't over! No no. He'll check with you at least three more times before noon. You'll politely refuse each time.

Come noon, just when you are settling in at your desk with your PB&J, tiny bag of Sun Chips, and chocolate pudding cup, he'll come strolling in with a Styrofoam container full of ribs, beans, and slaw. He'll slap it down on your desk, pull up a chair and say "I thought I'd keep your company since you're staying in for lunch. You're not busy are you? Is that chocolate pudding?"

He won't hear your angered response over the sound of his open-mouth chewing and the story of his weekend yardwork escapades already in progress. Bits of food will escape his mouth while he talks and find their way onto your paperwork and keyboard. The funnier he thinks his story is, the larger the bits become. Once he gets to the part where he accidentally caught the rose bush with the weed eater you might expect to find a couple of gently-used rib bones sailing your direction. As if that's not enough to keep the experience firmly etched in your memory, later, when you look in the mirror, you'll get another reminder...one lone perfectly intact baked bean sitting proudly upon your chin.

Gotta go vomit now.

How Do You Fix Bullet Holes in a 1982 Buick Regal?

You don't. You leave them there. They just add character. As if the 1982 Buick Regal needs any more character.

These things are undisputed classics (I guess this is why there is some guy from a barbershop quartet wrestling with a giant paperclip in the picture). That V6 was just enough to get you in trouble but a big block chevy would fit right in there if you felt the need (no idea if that is accurate). Pin striping and chrome accents....oh yeah! Throw a set of white walls on simulated-spoke wheels and you got yourself a machine that tells the world "All class, all the time". Such a versatile vehicle. They come out of the box ready for business but can easily be "muscled up" or tricked out, and at this point in 2012, its hard to find a stock unit.

Some people point to the Monte Carlo as the quintessential badass of the early 80s era batch of sedans but those people usually turn out to be complete fools. Those cars are grocery-getters. Others say they'd prefer to be "livin' the dream in a Cutlass Supreme". They are wild-eyed idiots. The Regal is where its at. Although you slide a set of 22s under the Cutlass, black out the windows, maybe some neon ground lighting, and several thousand dollars in amps and woofers in there, you got something going.

If I catch anyone putting those fake bullet-hole stickers on any of these machines I will call the cops. Those are for child-abduction vans. Its easy enough to get the real thing if you know where to go in your Regal.

I know some of our staff are into the classics and prefer the late 60s muscle cars but why? What are gonna do with it? Park it in the driveway and wax it every weekend? Consider something you'll actually use that will turn heads, not because of the ridiculous hood scoop and thunderous rumble, but because they expect to find a raging douche-bag behind the wheel. That's what you'll get in a nicely-equipped 1982 Buick Regal riddled with bullet holes. As a perk, we provide just such a vehicle for select members of our sales team.

Happy 30th birthday 82 Regal!