Just a quick announcement:
You may have noticed our coupon in your local paper over the past four years, but we doubt it. Since no one has actually cashed one in, we're pretty sure you've missed them. We've been offering a "buy one get one" deal on our experimental IQ-enhancing herbal supplement and X-ray vision defense tablets. No takers. Sooooo, this month only, triple coupon values!! Don't miss it. Buy three get three free!!
Please keep in mind that, like most coupons, the time it takes to find the thing, cut it out, and drive around town finding someone that stocks the product, is far more trouble than the coupon is worth. In addition, you'll have to cut through a better coupon on the back of ours, therefore voiding something you wanted much more. For example, this week in Topeka, the deal on the back of our coupon was for 75 cents off Charmin toilet paper eight-pack. In Reno, half price moonshine. Guarantee no one's gonna cut that in half to cash in our stupid deal for a stupid product that kills four out of four stupid laboratory animals that try the stupid stuff. I don't get it. Have you noticed how easily it seems lab mice get sick and die? It's craziness. They have to be the most unhealthy creatures on earth. Maybe we should start experimenting on a more hearty animals, like Zebras or Rugby players.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Stushinball Denied Cafeteria Access, Sack Lunches to Follow
Phillip Stushinball, you are denied access to the corporate cafeteria plan. Not the insurance plan where you get a choice of different benefits, but the actual cafeteria meals program. You cannot eat food, drink drinks, look at the selection on the salad bar, or get a cup of ice. You cannot enter the cafeteria at all. Not even to say hi to Doris, your wife, who works behind the deli counter. If we catch you trying to smell any aromas from the cafeteria that may find their way into the hall, disciplinary action will be taken.
As you know, we provide free access to everything in the cafeteria (including Doris) to all eligible employees. I'm sure you thought that free lunches would help with your monthly budget. You may have even been socking away that extra cash for the past month while you were on the plan. Maybe you were going to get that hip replacement you've always wanted, or a swimming pool. Looks like you'll have to find another way to save up to $11.49 per day.
You may be thinking to yourself "how can this be? I thought all employees get free cafeteria stuff!".
Well, no. Not really. The benefit is only for ELIGIBLE employees. You are not one of those, and here's why:
If you refer to the online version of the employee handbook (found on the company intranet site under Benefits/Cafeteria/Access/Eligibility/TechnicalSupport/Documents/Forms/Documents/Forms and Documents/Non-essential Documents), you will clearly see the requirements for eligibility under company policy. In addition, in the written copy of the employee handbook, in section 33.41.6.8.112 on page 1267 under the Heading "Miscellaneous Items to Ignore", the policy is outlined in great detail (and tiny little microscopic print).
Under this policy, in order to become eligible, you must submit certain documentation within 30 days of employment. The documentation includes: a copy of your birth certificate, a copy of your driver's license, a notarized copy of a physical exam from a qualified physician, a daily caloric intake estimate, a tooth, and a good joke.
Yesterday marked 30 days of employment and we have not received the required documentation. Your cafeteria access is revoked effective immediately. There is no appeal to this decision. You may attempt to re-enroll in the plan at your 29th anniversary of employment.
We understand that you may find this policy harsh and that it sucks big time for you, but this is the policy and it is strictly enforced (unless you are an executive, a minority, a diabetic, or a fun guy to hang out with on weekends).
Your plea for an exception, even with your verification documentation, will be ignored so please don't bother. We already know you are going to try to claim that you didn't know, that no one told you, and that it isn't fair. But really now Phillip (may we call you Phil?), you have access to the intranet site and the handbook which both make it completely obvious. It's right there for all to see. Plus, two weeks ago we sent a reminder letter to an address in your neighborhood. You can say you didn't receive it but we all know that the postal service......exists. Besides, our notes say we mailed it so you have no leg to stand on. Now, if you can prove that you lost your legs due to diabetes, then we may reconsider.
Have a great day. Also, have Doris throw together a weekly menu for your sack lunch and go get some groceries. Remember to put your name on it though because there are a bunch of people in your department who don't have access to the cafeteria plan for the same reason as you. They are hungry and pissed.
Sincerely,
Supreme Czar of Sub-human Resources
As you know, we provide free access to everything in the cafeteria (including Doris) to all eligible employees. I'm sure you thought that free lunches would help with your monthly budget. You may have even been socking away that extra cash for the past month while you were on the plan. Maybe you were going to get that hip replacement you've always wanted, or a swimming pool. Looks like you'll have to find another way to save up to $11.49 per day.
You may be thinking to yourself "how can this be? I thought all employees get free cafeteria stuff!".
Well, no. Not really. The benefit is only for ELIGIBLE employees. You are not one of those, and here's why:
If you refer to the online version of the employee handbook (found on the company intranet site under Benefits/Cafeteria/Access/Eligibility/TechnicalSupport/Documents/Forms/Documents/Forms and Documents/Non-essential Documents), you will clearly see the requirements for eligibility under company policy. In addition, in the written copy of the employee handbook, in section 33.41.6.8.112 on page 1267 under the Heading "Miscellaneous Items to Ignore", the policy is outlined in great detail (and tiny little microscopic print).
Under this policy, in order to become eligible, you must submit certain documentation within 30 days of employment. The documentation includes: a copy of your birth certificate, a copy of your driver's license, a notarized copy of a physical exam from a qualified physician, a daily caloric intake estimate, a tooth, and a good joke.
Yesterday marked 30 days of employment and we have not received the required documentation. Your cafeteria access is revoked effective immediately. There is no appeal to this decision. You may attempt to re-enroll in the plan at your 29th anniversary of employment.
We understand that you may find this policy harsh and that it sucks big time for you, but this is the policy and it is strictly enforced (unless you are an executive, a minority, a diabetic, or a fun guy to hang out with on weekends).
Your plea for an exception, even with your verification documentation, will be ignored so please don't bother. We already know you are going to try to claim that you didn't know, that no one told you, and that it isn't fair. But really now Phillip (may we call you Phil?), you have access to the intranet site and the handbook which both make it completely obvious. It's right there for all to see. Plus, two weeks ago we sent a reminder letter to an address in your neighborhood. You can say you didn't receive it but we all know that the postal service......exists. Besides, our notes say we mailed it so you have no leg to stand on. Now, if you can prove that you lost your legs due to diabetes, then we may reconsider.
Have a great day. Also, have Doris throw together a weekly menu for your sack lunch and go get some groceries. Remember to put your name on it though because there are a bunch of people in your department who don't have access to the cafeteria plan for the same reason as you. They are hungry and pissed.
Sincerely,
Supreme Czar of Sub-human Resources
Saturday, July 21, 2012
How To Not Exist
Once you've done it, it's very difficult to undo, but still....everyone does it. And every thing, for that matter. There is nothing on earth that doesn't exist, (except this company).
Sure, critics will say that dinosaurs don't exist. But they did! They fall under the category of "things that no longer exist", along with the mastodon, the Mayans, and good customer service.
Some will also say ghosts don't exist, or unicorns don't exist, or whatever but they are incorrect and here's why: because I've seen these things. That makes it impossible for them to not exist. It follows the universal law of existence which states: that which does not exist cannot also exist.
If you think about that too long your brain will completely die for a couple of seconds. Look at it. THAT which does not exist??? What is THAT? And what is IS? If it is, then it exists. Something either IS or it IS NOT.
And THAT.....IS......SOMETHING,
Wait a minute! I've one hundred percent confused myself.
Indians no longer exist. (I mean the kind with all the feathers and face paint, not the hotel owners and tech support people).That's a shame because if anyone could explain what i'm saying it would be an indian. I'm picturing the guy with the big head dress sitting with his legs crossed and tucked under each other (there's a name for that style of sitting but it escapes me). In my vision, he's sitting by a fire and smoking a bitchin' nine-foot pipe. With his face lit softly by the flickering glow and gentle whisps of smoke dancing around his ridiculous hat, he would probably ponder for a bit before smugly saying something like "the sun does not shine on a hawk's wing without permission, and things in the shadows are weeping". And then I would say "that makes absolutely no sense". And he would kill me with a sharp rock.
I'm just gonna go ahead and forget about trying to teach you how to not exist. As you can see, it is quite complex and there is a very good chance that you would accidentally cause your own cerebral aneurism.
Unless, the answer lies within these words. Seek understanding of this message. You won't find it. It doesn't exist. It is not. So there it is.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Directions to Walgreen's
There cannot be anyone alive who has ever asked for them. Cannot be. You can't swing a dead cat around here without hitting a Walgreen's store. It's a good thing too. How many times have you suddenly needed allergy medicine, batteries, donuts, and an oscillating fan all at the same time while traveling across town? Thank goodness you don't have to stop at a CVS for directions because you can clearly see the Walgreen's on the adjacent corner next to the Starbuck's with the Wal-mart behind it.
Speaking of Starbucks....you may need directions to that joint. Not that you can't find it, but you'll need some kind of manual to operate yourself once you enter the place. Can a guy just get a large coffee? NO! They don't have small, medium, and large sizes. They have tall, grande, and venti. Then you have to sign all these release forms and fill out questionnaires to explain that you just want plain ole black coffee. (Actual Directions Here)
When you shop at Walgreen's, you serve yourself. You go grab what you need, take it to the register and pay the lady with the blue vest who will rarely bother you unless she has a "register reward" coupon that will save you money on something you're buying anyway. It's so easy. Even that sweaty guy in the greeting card aisle who appears to be intoxicated can do it. You don't have to deal with some condescending punk making you feel like you're the stupid one because you refuse to put foamy dairy products in your morning joe. Besides, I really enjoy the blatant ironies of the Walgreen's experience. Like the lady in front of you buying cough medicine and cigarettes. Or the one demanding her four kids to put the candy back on the shelf because "it's not good for you" while she heaves a basket full of cheap beer and pork rinds onto the counter. I love that. It's so refreshing to see a young man taking responsibility as he buys a pregnancy test and package of condoms. And then there is the broken-spirited forty-something guy who obviously doesn't want to be there but he just ran in to grab some tampons for the wife yet somehow finds himself drawn to the cover of the Cosmopolitan magazine at the register, so he grabs one of those too. I'm assuming he just looks at the pictures. You know damn well he didn't ask for directions. In fact, I bet he would tell you he sometimes turns into the parking lot out of habit on his way home, even though he doesn't need anything.
Sure, you can get all the things that Walgreen's sells and more at the Wal-mart. You can even find a blue-vested lady, but it isn't the same lady nor dies she give a flip about any register rewards. And Wal-mart doesn't have those convenient corner lots. I like them. They're convenient
Sometimes, when I'm at Walgreen's, just for kicks I'll walk up to the lady in the blue vest and say, "I'll have a to-go grande pike place roast, 180 degrees, with a single shot of sugar-free vanilla, stirred please.". She'll just laugh and point me next door to the Starbuck's in front of the Wal-mart adjacent to the CVS. I love her so very much. If only we had a couple of her around this place.
Speaking of Starbucks....you may need directions to that joint. Not that you can't find it, but you'll need some kind of manual to operate yourself once you enter the place. Can a guy just get a large coffee? NO! They don't have small, medium, and large sizes. They have tall, grande, and venti. Then you have to sign all these release forms and fill out questionnaires to explain that you just want plain ole black coffee. (Actual Directions Here)
When you shop at Walgreen's, you serve yourself. You go grab what you need, take it to the register and pay the lady with the blue vest who will rarely bother you unless she has a "register reward" coupon that will save you money on something you're buying anyway. It's so easy. Even that sweaty guy in the greeting card aisle who appears to be intoxicated can do it. You don't have to deal with some condescending punk making you feel like you're the stupid one because you refuse to put foamy dairy products in your morning joe. Besides, I really enjoy the blatant ironies of the Walgreen's experience. Like the lady in front of you buying cough medicine and cigarettes. Or the one demanding her four kids to put the candy back on the shelf because "it's not good for you" while she heaves a basket full of cheap beer and pork rinds onto the counter. I love that. It's so refreshing to see a young man taking responsibility as he buys a pregnancy test and package of condoms. And then there is the broken-spirited forty-something guy who obviously doesn't want to be there but he just ran in to grab some tampons for the wife yet somehow finds himself drawn to the cover of the Cosmopolitan magazine at the register, so he grabs one of those too. I'm assuming he just looks at the pictures. You know damn well he didn't ask for directions. In fact, I bet he would tell you he sometimes turns into the parking lot out of habit on his way home, even though he doesn't need anything.
Sure, you can get all the things that Walgreen's sells and more at the Wal-mart. You can even find a blue-vested lady, but it isn't the same lady nor dies she give a flip about any register rewards. And Wal-mart doesn't have those convenient corner lots. I like them. They're convenient
Sometimes, when I'm at Walgreen's, just for kicks I'll walk up to the lady in the blue vest and say, "I'll have a to-go grande pike place roast, 180 degrees, with a single shot of sugar-free vanilla, stirred please.". She'll just laugh and point me next door to the Starbuck's in front of the Wal-mart adjacent to the CVS. I love her so very much. If only we had a couple of her around this place.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Angela Snook Receives Stapler Upgrade
We are pleased to announce today that our own Mrs. Angela Snook has been issued a new stapler. Angela has requested a new stapler forty-six times over her five-year stint as Assistant Binder of Multi-page Documents. As ABMD, Angela is responsible for stapling report pages together, specifically those reports between two and twelve pages in length. By definition, her role requires a decent stapler even though the pages she staples will be separated again when they reach the desk of the Assistant Report Separator (who suddenly thinks she needs a new staple remover).
Mrs. Snook says she is proud to finally have adequate equipment that will allow her to be more efficient and grow in her career. We regret that it has taken so long to make this possible. Apparently we don't place much emphasis on fulfilling requests from lower level employees.
We certainly believe Angela is deserving of the new stapler. To be accurate though, it isn't exactly new. It has been in storage for over seven years and before that it was used as the community stapler for the Marketing department (actually, they probably didn't use it - they don't do anything that requires touching things).
We also share Angela's belief that she will become more efficient. The Swingline model 1725 is a fine piece of equipment. It's easyload chamber makes refilling a snap, and, it is rated for up to 25 pages. Her old stapler was only rated for ten pages. This made stapling those eleven and twelve page reports very difficult. Once she completes the required three-day operational and safety training course, she'll be clicking away with ease. She'll also find the 1725 to be ergonomically pleasing. It even has the ability to be stood on end, taking up less of her valuable empty desk space.
Please join us in congratulating Angela on her great achievement. We wish her all the success that she desires.
Mrs. Snook says she is proud to finally have adequate equipment that will allow her to be more efficient and grow in her career. We regret that it has taken so long to make this possible. Apparently we don't place much emphasis on fulfilling requests from lower level employees.
We certainly believe Angela is deserving of the new stapler. To be accurate though, it isn't exactly new. It has been in storage for over seven years and before that it was used as the community stapler for the Marketing department (actually, they probably didn't use it - they don't do anything that requires touching things).
We also share Angela's belief that she will become more efficient. The Swingline model 1725 is a fine piece of equipment. It's easyload chamber makes refilling a snap, and, it is rated for up to 25 pages. Her old stapler was only rated for ten pages. This made stapling those eleven and twelve page reports very difficult. Once she completes the required three-day operational and safety training course, she'll be clicking away with ease. She'll also find the 1725 to be ergonomically pleasing. It even has the ability to be stood on end, taking up less of her valuable empty desk space.
Please join us in congratulating Angela on her great achievement. We wish her all the success that she desires.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)