I have the answer!!
Puppies come from a triple-wide mobile home in Tuscon, Arizona.
I've heard there is good money in dog breeding but this is dumb.
Just my luck, I have 796 immediate office staff-members up here. I can one-stop-shop for Christmas presents.
Excuse me ma'am. Do you offer discounts for the ones with missing paws?
Monday, June 2, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Crock Will Beat Trump to the Punch (New Product Release)
ES389 New Product Status Report
We are still waiting on research data from escapability testing. This data is needed to assure compliance with H-233.420 of the Americans with Disabilities Act.
A nine year study of the effects of ES389 on pregnant women, laboratory rats, and dead pigeons concluded this week. The study suggests that ES389 has no significant negative side-effects other than loose stool, blood in urine, hives, rickets, scurvy, elephantitis of the ass, boredom, and, in the case of the dead pigeons, remaining dead (although some activity was observed and described by most as "a brief period of smoking and sizzling").
Test marketing is set to begin by week's end. We will be placing ES389 in men's restroom vending machines (right next to the Evening Magic) in and around the Jackson Hole, Wyoming metro area. The price-point for testing purposes will be 75 cents. We believe that this will give us a true cross-section of Americans and their receptiveness to ES389 in much the same way that polling Arab countries gives a true representation of the approval rating of President George W. Bush.
Once test marketing is complete we will have a better idea of where the price-point should be set and how many people we should expect to die from the use of ES389. If the death expectation numbers are low enough, then we should witness a dramatic increase in style throughout the country. (The last thing we need right now is more death in the company so we ask that all employees refrain from use until we know which of you we want to kill, and the likelihood that we will succeed).
Marketing Points: As the first truly permanent hair-sculpting system, ES389 will create it's own niche market, serving those with complex hairstyles who are tired of spending valuable time getting their hair "just right". With ES389, fix it once and forget it. Completely water-proof, almost flame-retardant, and sort of bullet proof, this product will revolutionize the hair-art industry. This is the last hair product you will ever need. Once applied, all growth will cease, all hair loss will stop, all colors will be locked, birds will not nest, insects will steer clear, and rodents will be repelled (along with friends).
The tag line chosen for ES389 is: Enhanced Style 389 - Style for Life!
Some other suggested tag lines:
Enhanced Style 389 - Hair-helmets made easy
Enhanced Style 389 - Laminate your head
Enhanced Style 389 - Style is as easy as 1-2-389
Enhanced Style 389 - Forget the Gel, get Perma-Shell
Enhanced Style 389 - No more Combs, get Perma-dome
Enhanced Style 389 - When you want your hair to turn heads
We are still waiting on research data from escapability testing. This data is needed to assure compliance with H-233.420 of the Americans with Disabilities Act.
A nine year study of the effects of ES389 on pregnant women, laboratory rats, and dead pigeons concluded this week. The study suggests that ES389 has no significant negative side-effects other than loose stool, blood in urine, hives, rickets, scurvy, elephantitis of the ass, boredom, and, in the case of the dead pigeons, remaining dead (although some activity was observed and described by most as "a brief period of smoking and sizzling").
Test marketing is set to begin by week's end. We will be placing ES389 in men's restroom vending machines (right next to the Evening Magic) in and around the Jackson Hole, Wyoming metro area. The price-point for testing purposes will be 75 cents. We believe that this will give us a true cross-section of Americans and their receptiveness to ES389 in much the same way that polling Arab countries gives a true representation of the approval rating of President George W. Bush.
Once test marketing is complete we will have a better idea of where the price-point should be set and how many people we should expect to die from the use of ES389. If the death expectation numbers are low enough, then we should witness a dramatic increase in style throughout the country. (The last thing we need right now is more death in the company so we ask that all employees refrain from use until we know which of you we want to kill, and the likelihood that we will succeed).
Marketing Points: As the first truly permanent hair-sculpting system, ES389 will create it's own niche market, serving those with complex hairstyles who are tired of spending valuable time getting their hair "just right". With ES389, fix it once and forget it. Completely water-proof, almost flame-retardant, and sort of bullet proof, this product will revolutionize the hair-art industry. This is the last hair product you will ever need. Once applied, all growth will cease, all hair loss will stop, all colors will be locked, birds will not nest, insects will steer clear, and rodents will be repelled (along with friends).
The tag line chosen for ES389 is: Enhanced Style 389 - Style for Life!
Some other suggested tag lines:
Enhanced Style 389 - Hair-helmets made easy
Enhanced Style 389 - Laminate your head
Enhanced Style 389 - Style is as easy as 1-2-389
Enhanced Style 389 - Forget the Gel, get Perma-Shell
Enhanced Style 389 - No more Combs, get Perma-dome
Enhanced Style 389 - When you want your hair to turn heads
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
That Sure is a Fancy Resignation Letter There...Now Get Out!
Just a quick announcement:
Ghordo Whipple is no longer working here. He waltzed into my office yesterday, didn't even speak to Sue on the way in (somehow managing to miss the rotating knives), and handed me what he called a "rezination letter". It was a post-it note with sharpie markings that read:
1 the Lottery. not werkin no mor.
Needless to say I did not accept this resignation. I told Ghordo that it did not meet the standards of excellence that we apply to ourselves and everything we do. He agreed, so I fired him.
He didn't miss the rotating knives on the way out. Funeral arrangements are being made.
Now we may have a problem. This is the second person killed on this property in less than a week.
The good news is; there is now an opening for a new Coordinator of Sticky Removal. It's an entry-level janitorial position.
Ghordo Whipple is no longer working here. He waltzed into my office yesterday, didn't even speak to Sue on the way in (somehow managing to miss the rotating knives), and handed me what he called a "rezination letter". It was a post-it note with sharpie markings that read:
1 the Lottery. not werkin no mor.
Needless to say I did not accept this resignation. I told Ghordo that it did not meet the standards of excellence that we apply to ourselves and everything we do. He agreed, so I fired him.
He didn't miss the rotating knives on the way out. Funeral arrangements are being made.
Now we may have a problem. This is the second person killed on this property in less than a week.
The good news is; there is now an opening for a new Coordinator of Sticky Removal. It's an entry-level janitorial position.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Locked in the Conference Room Again- P.T.B.F.O. 112369
Hello! Is anyone still out there? If so, could you please let us out of the conference room? Who installed these doors anyway? It must have been Tricky's Backwards Door Handle Company. This is crap!
I had Sue confiscate all cell phones before we came in here, now she's gone for the day. This conference room phone is so confusing.....WHERE ARE THE DAMN BUTTONS?? What if the building was on fire? Shouldn't there be some kind of safety features around here?
Frieda already tried the window option. Oops. You'd have thought that one of us would have remembered the elevator ride to the 43rd floor. I guess not.
Normally, we keep our cell phones with us, but today we were discussing the marketing strategy for our new Belt-fed Cat Buffer and I didn't want any interruptions. You can obviously see the importance here. The problem is, most of us have to pee. This carpet cost us $46,000 per square foot (after shipping and handling) and I'm not about to let these idiots soil it.
Luckily, we still have an Internet connection. Please help!
I had Sue confiscate all cell phones before we came in here, now she's gone for the day. This conference room phone is so confusing.....WHERE ARE THE DAMN BUTTONS?? What if the building was on fire? Shouldn't there be some kind of safety features around here?
Frieda already tried the window option. Oops. You'd have thought that one of us would have remembered the elevator ride to the 43rd floor. I guess not.
Normally, we keep our cell phones with us, but today we were discussing the marketing strategy for our new Belt-fed Cat Buffer and I didn't want any interruptions. You can obviously see the importance here. The problem is, most of us have to pee. This carpet cost us $46,000 per square foot (after shipping and handling) and I'm not about to let these idiots soil it.
Luckily, we still have an Internet connection. Please help!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Job Opening No Longer Available - You Snooze, You Lose
At this time I would like to announce some personnel changes:
The position of Director of Spork and Bendy-straw Supply and Demand Monitoring has been filled. Congratulations Wynnie Shoop, on your promotion.
Since we like to promote from within (we believe in "coaching up, or coaching out") the position vacated by Wynnie will now be filled by Samuel Sams. Congrats "Sam squared" on becoming the new Regional Ambassador to Those Afflicted with Tonsillitis.
Finally, to fill Sam's vacated position, a new hire from the outside, Shiny Bitch is now the new Coordinator of the Properties of Atomic Particles in a Vacuum. We all need to help Shiny as she takes on this very important role with the company. Her job not only helps keep us at the top of our industry, but it helps assure that the laws of physics do not suddenly change and cause us all to become specks of dust in geosynchronous orbit around the hole that used to be the earth.
The position of Director of Spork and Bendy-straw Supply and Demand Monitoring has been filled. Congratulations Wynnie Shoop, on your promotion.
Since we like to promote from within (we believe in "coaching up, or coaching out") the position vacated by Wynnie will now be filled by Samuel Sams. Congrats "Sam squared" on becoming the new Regional Ambassador to Those Afflicted with Tonsillitis.
Finally, to fill Sam's vacated position, a new hire from the outside, Shiny Bitch is now the new Coordinator of the Properties of Atomic Particles in a Vacuum. We all need to help Shiny as she takes on this very important role with the company. Her job not only helps keep us at the top of our industry, but it helps assure that the laws of physics do not suddenly change and cause us all to become specks of dust in geosynchronous orbit around the hole that used to be the earth.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)