Blanket statement Alert: In any given work environment where at least ten people must interact, there will be one person who can easily be identified as a "token" something-or-other.
To illustrate what this means, think of any recent sitcom you've ever watched. If it is oriented around a white family or group of friends you'll find the token black guy (except Friends and Seinfeld for some reason). If oriented around a black people, there will be a token white dude. Two Guys and a Pizza Place needed a token girl. Most of the time, every character is a token something-or-other. There's a fat guy, a moron, a gay guy, a hot chick, a perpetual bachelor, a refrigerator, a goat, and a murder weapon. Don't think about it, just accept it.
A comedian (Emo Philips I think) once joked, "Mother always said every time I get on a bus, there's a werdo on it. I could never find him."
Your workplace is likely filled with token people too. There is one particular token person I would like to discuss because they are a danger to others, themselves, and the earth as a whole. Look around. You should be able to find one of these. If you can't, it's probably you.
The token space invader. There he is! Always getting up in your grill, leaning over you at your desk, standing way too close, talking directly into your mouth like its a microphone and he is delivering an important public service announcement. As an added bonus, this is usually the guy who's breath is laced with a pungent tribute to his recent consumption of coffee and something similar to a partially decomposed bologna and cabbage sandwich (quick reader pole: If I included mayonnaise here would it be too much?). And, for the token twist of irony, this guy is equipped with an unquenchable thirst for...an inextinguishable burning desire for....an unfulfillable need for....conversation. He'll talk about anything at any time. If you walk away, he will follow. If you say your busy, he'll continue his story anyway, after letting you know it'll be a "quick one". If you take a phone call, even if it sounds very important, he'll wait. If you walk to your car, start it, and drive away he'll hang on to the door handle and drag beside you down the street, talking all the while.
Despite the fact that everyone is uncomfortable, no one takes action to stop it. Sure, they exchange their unpleasant run-ins and space invader stories, each trying to out-creepy the other. Once in a while someone will offer him an Altoid or a case of tic tacs. But these don't solve the problem. Neither does explaining the problem to him. You could look him in the eye and tell him "Back away! This is my personal space and I don't want you polluting it!" and he would think of it as an invitation to tell you about the hilarious antics of a cat he found in a dumpster. Management knows of the problem, but they ignore it saying "He means well.". I guess that's manager-speak for "He's cheap and he has dirt on the owner."
This guy must be stopped! Danger follows him and his ilk. (I've always wanted to work the work "ilk" into a sentence. Done!). My aunt once tried to escape a space invader but was disoriented by the noxious breath and fell into an open manhole where she was swept away by a river of raw sewage. We never saw her again*. That makes this fight personal to me. That is why I hope you will join me in battling this office menace.
It won't be easy. After all, this is a token space invader. You are required to have one on the payroll. When you eliminate one, another will take his place. That's why you can't just kill him. You have to make him use all of his vacation days right away each year. Send him invitations to timeshare presentation out of town. Most of them offer free stuff like toasters, airline miles, calculators, coffee, and bologna/ cabbage sandwiches. Free stuff attracts these types.
Once he has used his vacation, you must go for the sick days. A little salmonella in the coffee cup should do the trick. Careful now! Not too much. He just needs to feel bad enough to stay home a few days. If it doesn't work, try E.Coli. Studies have shown that some space invaders build immunity to certain strains of bacteria, viruses, and verbal insults.
Once he has used his sick days though, he will come to work faithfully if he is even slightly mobile. Offer him an emergency double knee replacement. Don't pay for the surgery, just make it necessary. Use your imagination. Tonya Harding isn't busy these days. Or, for a less illegal option, sometimes these people will respond if you send them calendar invitations to work events outside of the office, especially if they think you will be there. Make up as many as you can until he finally figures out that you won't really be there. That's when you get a coworker to pick up where you left off.
Using these ideas and some of your own, you might be able to get somewhere between 12 and 22 weeks of token-space-invader-free existence per year. And that's better than 52 straight weeks of face-melting one way conversations and being trapped between the toilet and the bathroom door while learning why America should adopt the metric system. It will also drastically reduce your chances of being washed away by sewer rapids.
Thanks for reading and taking this seriously. Next time we discuss token people: the guy who comes to work in the morning thinking about lunch and how to get involved with yours.
*A note about my Aunt: I say that "we" never saw her again but actually my uncle did see her once more. Eleven days after she was washed away by sewer rapids, she arrived on her front porch, dirty, smelly, battered, incoherently babbling. My uncle stood her up, turned her around, and pointed her down the street. She shuffled off into the sunset....and that is the point from which none of us ever saw her again.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Saturday, April 7, 2012
The Fear of Fear Itself
How about a little bravery for the weekend?
No one likes fear anymore, do they? But disliking it and being afraid of it are two different things. No one likes pain either but we aren't afraid of it. We are however, afraid that pain will hurt. Many of us fear embarrassment because we're afraid it will be embarrassing. We're scared of heights, not because we fear falling but because we're afraid that the ground is too far away to make a safe landing. We're afraid of clowns. But why are we afraid of fear? And should we be?
The first step in figuring out why you fear fear is to admit that you do. Though we fight it and try to hide it, even the bravest among us must confess to feeling at least a tinge, a little tickle of fear when we are afraid. If pain or embarrassment or heights don't "get your tremble on", clowns will. So go ahead, admit that you fear fear. Chicken! Fraidee-cat!
Now, the second step in learning why you are such a coward when you are not courageous is to figure out the real reason for your yellowness. I contend that it's usually an effect that you fear rather than a cause. You don't fear bears, you are afraid of being dismembered and eaten by bears....and who wouldn't be afraid of that right? Pain hurts. Falling equals pain which equals hurt and possibly death. Oh, there's a biggie that I almost forgot: death. That's one of the more common effects that stimulate fear reactions. I'd say it's at least in the top 100, maybe even top 50.
With so much scariness, what's wrong with a little fear? Nothing! Embrace the fear! Stop being afraid to be afraid. Sometimes fear is the only thing between you and an unimaginably violent mutilation. If you're going to fear fear, you might as well fear terror as well. And while your at it, go ahead and fear horror, fright, spooky, and creepy too (and clowns). Nah. Don't do that. It's perfectly acceptable to fear having an arm ripped off by a copy-machine, just don't fear the copy machine. It's natural to fear having your toenails pried off by a tribe of spider-monkeys on unicycles that invade your home right in the middle of wheel of fortune, just don't be afraid of spider-monkeys (but do be suspicious of them, especially the unicyclers because they usually work for clowns). It's OK to be afraid of death because it can kill you. That's something that fear has no ability to do. Oh wait. Never mind. It IS possible to be scared to death. Forget what I said. If you need me, I'll be hiding under a desk so the fear doesn't get me....or the clown.
No one likes fear anymore, do they? But disliking it and being afraid of it are two different things. No one likes pain either but we aren't afraid of it. We are however, afraid that pain will hurt. Many of us fear embarrassment because we're afraid it will be embarrassing. We're scared of heights, not because we fear falling but because we're afraid that the ground is too far away to make a safe landing. We're afraid of clowns. But why are we afraid of fear? And should we be?
The first step in figuring out why you fear fear is to admit that you do. Though we fight it and try to hide it, even the bravest among us must confess to feeling at least a tinge, a little tickle of fear when we are afraid. If pain or embarrassment or heights don't "get your tremble on", clowns will. So go ahead, admit that you fear fear. Chicken! Fraidee-cat!
Now, the second step in learning why you are such a coward when you are not courageous is to figure out the real reason for your yellowness. I contend that it's usually an effect that you fear rather than a cause. You don't fear bears, you are afraid of being dismembered and eaten by bears....and who wouldn't be afraid of that right? Pain hurts. Falling equals pain which equals hurt and possibly death. Oh, there's a biggie that I almost forgot: death. That's one of the more common effects that stimulate fear reactions. I'd say it's at least in the top 100, maybe even top 50.
With so much scariness, what's wrong with a little fear? Nothing! Embrace the fear! Stop being afraid to be afraid. Sometimes fear is the only thing between you and an unimaginably violent mutilation. If you're going to fear fear, you might as well fear terror as well. And while your at it, go ahead and fear horror, fright, spooky, and creepy too (and clowns). Nah. Don't do that. It's perfectly acceptable to fear having an arm ripped off by a copy-machine, just don't fear the copy machine. It's natural to fear having your toenails pried off by a tribe of spider-monkeys on unicycles that invade your home right in the middle of wheel of fortune, just don't be afraid of spider-monkeys (but do be suspicious of them, especially the unicyclers because they usually work for clowns). It's OK to be afraid of death because it can kill you. That's something that fear has no ability to do. Oh wait. Never mind. It IS possible to be scared to death. Forget what I said. If you need me, I'll be hiding under a desk so the fear doesn't get me....or the clown.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
What To Do When Your Face Swells Shut
This may seem like an oddly random subject and I'm sure you are wondering why I am bringing it up right now. I won't share, but suffice it to say there is a very pertinent and coherent reason for the timing and subject matter which I have just bestowed upon you. I realize that you weren't expecting such meaningful material and you are now undeniably hooked to this post that you'd rather be buried in fire ants than to abort the reading mission before the objective of finding out what to do when your face swells shut. This is really an issue of survival. Hopefully you've set aside the necessary time.
Before we get into the meat of this, lets start by defining the problem. Although the underlying cause should certainly be of concern to you if your face swells shut, it is not our focus at this time. To assure we are all on the same page;
"Face" is that portion of the front of your head where your eyes, nose, and mouth are located. If you have a moustache, beard, glasses, or a silent expression of hatred for your fellow man, they would also be found here.
"Swells" refers to an abnormal enlargement or bloating. Many times this is a sudden onset that may occur in the event of exposure to an allergen or a good beating. In some cases the swelling may occur over time, perhaps as a result of some cruel disease or excessive consumption of bacon milkshakes.
And "shut" means "closed". As it relates to the face, specifically the involuntary closing of the eyes, nose, and mouth due to the aforementioned swelling.
Now, let's discuss the dos and don'ts.
First, let me share with you a few things NOT to do when your face swells shut. Here is a short list that I threw together. I'm just guessing here. My face has never swelled or swollen shut.
I'm sure there are more don'ts but those are the obvious ones. Now, what should you do?
Hopefully you will remember this advice when your face swells shut and somehow manage to follow it. For those of you who have been through it, feel free to share your experiences.
Before we get into the meat of this, lets start by defining the problem. Although the underlying cause should certainly be of concern to you if your face swells shut, it is not our focus at this time. To assure we are all on the same page;
"Face" is that portion of the front of your head where your eyes, nose, and mouth are located. If you have a moustache, beard, glasses, or a silent expression of hatred for your fellow man, they would also be found here.
"Swells" refers to an abnormal enlargement or bloating. Many times this is a sudden onset that may occur in the event of exposure to an allergen or a good beating. In some cases the swelling may occur over time, perhaps as a result of some cruel disease or excessive consumption of bacon milkshakes.
And "shut" means "closed". As it relates to the face, specifically the involuntary closing of the eyes, nose, and mouth due to the aforementioned swelling.
Now, let's discuss the dos and don'ts.
First, let me share with you a few things NOT to do when your face swells shut. Here is a short list that I threw together. I'm just guessing here. My face has never swelled or swollen shut.
- Please DO NOT come to work. You will scare people. Plus, your productivity will surely suffer due to the shutness of your face.
- I assume you would not want to drive a vehicle. At least not very fast.
- Guys(and extremely hairy women), do NOT shave when your face is swollen shut! I mean it. Don't do it!
- Don't worry about the dogs you hear barking at you. They are not equipped with a sense of compassion.
- Most importantly; Do not panic!
I'm sure there are more don'ts but those are the obvious ones. Now, what should you do?
- PANIC! After all you are trapped in a private hell and held against your will by your own face.
- Breathe. Oh wait, you can't. Since most humans breathe through the mouth, the nose, a combination of the two, or alternation between them, and they are both shut by the definition presented earlier. Unless you are lucky enough to have a blowhole, you should probably try to get a straw shoved between your lips and/or in a nostril or two. This may allow you to process enough oxygen to avoid suffocation temporarily.
- Turn off the lights. You can't see anyway. No point in wasting energy and just because you have only moments to live doesn't mean you need to forget about the environment.
- Seek medical attention. Lets face it, the problem is not likely to reverse itself and is probably life-threatening. Grandma may have a home remedy but she's never around when you really need her now is she? Since we've already eliminated driving as a possibility you'll need to call 911. I know, using a phone is difficult. Just feel your way around the keypad and do you best. If you get someone who asks you "what listing?" you've hit a 4 instead of a 9. Try again. Once connected to a dispatcher, help is on the way. Of course you can't talk to explain anything but they can track your location by the caller ID info or cellular network. They will realize that it is an emergency by the fact that you called 911. No one calls them to make idle chit-chat. They will also pick up on the urgency in your muffled but horrifying internal screams. Side note: they can't hear your arms flailing around wildly so stop. That's just another energy-saving tip.
Hopefully you will remember this advice when your face swells shut and somehow manage to follow it. For those of you who have been through it, feel free to share your experiences.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Six Ways to Make Your Day Unsuck
We've all been there. Those days when the weight of the world comes crashing down. Or maybe it just comes down in a slow drip, like water torture. First, work sucks. You realize you are completely surrounded by incompetence. Every cubicle you look in you find a well-dressed moron who probably gets paid more than you. Your boss probably asked you to do some ridiculous time-wasting task that doesn't fit your job description, like taking inventory of packing-peanuts when everyone knows that Rhonda Bluegums is supposed to handle that since her job title is Packing-Peanut and Bubble Wrap Inventory Manager.
Then, it starts to creep into your personal life. You spill your freshly poured java on what then becomes your freshly scalded crotch and your freshly stained pants. Of course, you didn't bring another pair of pants! Who carries extra pants around? So, instead of going directly to the bar after work, you try to run into a clothing store and buy some new pants but they only have the stupid kind with pleats. You decide pleats are better than a massive crotch stain so you buy them. You get a speeding ticket on the way to the bar, you have a dozen too many, puke on three of the four bikers in the room, get beat to a pulp, put in a cab, and you wake up in a basement of some house where there is an excessive amount of mason jars with some type of organic and permanently preserved materials in them.....and your stupid pleated pants are nowhere to be found.
How do you stay positive when this is how life treats you? Here are six things that will help your day go better and possibly help others in the process:
1) Sing your thoughts. That's right. Whatever you are thinking, sing it....out loud. But pick a cheery tune. Let's say your thinking "Rob Dollman is a horses ass". You could set it to the tune of the Green Acres theme. It'll be contagious and before you know it, the whole office will be singing it. Maybe even Rob Dollman.
2) Flip off things. Inanimate objects. Even if they did nothing to you. Don't let anyone see you do it. This one is just for you. It'll make you feel better so the next four suggestions will have better results.
3) Double Negatives. When something negative happens (and it always does), double down on it. Let's say your computer crashed and you lost half-a-day's work. Go tell your boss that you were almost done with the useless report he asked for when your computer exploded, sent shrapnel though the office killing Daryl Colby and setting the office ablaze. Once he finds out the truth, it won't seem so bad.
4) Bring up the past. People love it when you remind them of their mistakes. If you mess up and Bob from accounts payable gives you shit just remind him of the time he forgot to take his inflatable "friend" out of his car before pulling in the garage. Remind him that you still have the surveillance video. It will lighten the mood quickly.
5) All the cool kids are doing it. If you see a coworker struggling, struggle worse. For example; JoAnn is looking in the top drawer of a filing cabinet but pulls it out too far and the cabinet tips over with a crash. Make her feel better by charging the bank of filing cabinets in a dead sprint and smashing into them. Knock them all down. If they won't fall, rip out the drawers and throw them around the place. Make a huge mess. Encourage others to join the rampage. JoAnn will feel better. Make her clean it up. She started it.
6) Scape-elephant. Place a statue of an animal, it doesn't matter what animal, on your desk. For the purposes of this purpose, let's use a statue of an elephant. Now, every time something bad happens, blame the elephant. The shipment didn't go out on time? The elephant fell asleep. Payroll didn't go out? The elephant forgot. Admonish the elephant. Scold it publicly. Really dive in. Yell and scream. Threaten it. Take away television privileges, make it stand in a corner, stab it repeatedly with a letter opener, throw it in the trash and light it on fire. We're not sure how this helps, but it does.
Then, it starts to creep into your personal life. You spill your freshly poured java on what then becomes your freshly scalded crotch and your freshly stained pants. Of course, you didn't bring another pair of pants! Who carries extra pants around? So, instead of going directly to the bar after work, you try to run into a clothing store and buy some new pants but they only have the stupid kind with pleats. You decide pleats are better than a massive crotch stain so you buy them. You get a speeding ticket on the way to the bar, you have a dozen too many, puke on three of the four bikers in the room, get beat to a pulp, put in a cab, and you wake up in a basement of some house where there is an excessive amount of mason jars with some type of organic and permanently preserved materials in them.....and your stupid pleated pants are nowhere to be found.
How do you stay positive when this is how life treats you? Here are six things that will help your day go better and possibly help others in the process:
1) Sing your thoughts. That's right. Whatever you are thinking, sing it....out loud. But pick a cheery tune. Let's say your thinking "Rob Dollman is a horses ass". You could set it to the tune of the Green Acres theme. It'll be contagious and before you know it, the whole office will be singing it. Maybe even Rob Dollman.
2) Flip off things. Inanimate objects. Even if they did nothing to you. Don't let anyone see you do it. This one is just for you. It'll make you feel better so the next four suggestions will have better results.
3) Double Negatives. When something negative happens (and it always does), double down on it. Let's say your computer crashed and you lost half-a-day's work. Go tell your boss that you were almost done with the useless report he asked for when your computer exploded, sent shrapnel though the office killing Daryl Colby and setting the office ablaze. Once he finds out the truth, it won't seem so bad.
4) Bring up the past. People love it when you remind them of their mistakes. If you mess up and Bob from accounts payable gives you shit just remind him of the time he forgot to take his inflatable "friend" out of his car before pulling in the garage. Remind him that you still have the surveillance video. It will lighten the mood quickly.
5) All the cool kids are doing it. If you see a coworker struggling, struggle worse. For example; JoAnn is looking in the top drawer of a filing cabinet but pulls it out too far and the cabinet tips over with a crash. Make her feel better by charging the bank of filing cabinets in a dead sprint and smashing into them. Knock them all down. If they won't fall, rip out the drawers and throw them around the place. Make a huge mess. Encourage others to join the rampage. JoAnn will feel better. Make her clean it up. She started it.
6) Scape-elephant. Place a statue of an animal, it doesn't matter what animal, on your desk. For the purposes of this purpose, let's use a statue of an elephant. Now, every time something bad happens, blame the elephant. The shipment didn't go out on time? The elephant fell asleep. Payroll didn't go out? The elephant forgot. Admonish the elephant. Scold it publicly. Really dive in. Yell and scream. Threaten it. Take away television privileges, make it stand in a corner, stab it repeatedly with a letter opener, throw it in the trash and light it on fire. We're not sure how this helps, but it does.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Technologicalizationism
Just a quick rundown of a few Crock Awesomificating Technologies. One is new, one is old, and one is still conceptual in nature.
UUR- Undetectable Universal Reset-
In production since 2002, this impressive (albeit useless) technology is usually implemented by a physical button-press type of manuever but could be activated by a mouse click or screen tap as well. When activated, the UUR resets the entire universe and restarts it at the precise moment of the activation, making it seem as though nothing happened. Remarkably, the memory of the activation remains, thus causing the unknowing user to experience bewilderment, confusion and occassionally, anger. It sometimes even causes the "client" to attempt the action again and again. The unhelpful nature of this technology and the lack of any practical or worthwhile application for it does not diminish it's grandeur. It did, afterall, take us two non-consecutive hours to think of. So, if you've ever pressed a button, clicked a link, or tapped an icon and nothing happened, that's what we want you to believe. In reality, you might have been UUR'd. You'll think of us next time the batteries are dead in your remote control.
Coin-toss Manipulator (CoMan)-
This is just what the name suggests. It's small profile is a key selling feature in that it is often important for implementation to be discrete. Weighing in at a mere 43 pounds the device kinda fits into a large suitcase or may be mostly concealed underneath a sombrero of exaggerated proportions. (we plan an update sometime next year that will eliminate the 96 decible buzzing sound). Use of this technology in clinical trial coin-tosses provided a 50.02% predictability of outcomes factor. In 10,000 tosses, where the CoMan was set to "heads" the tossing resulted in 5002 heads, 4997 tails, and one time the coin landed upright in a plate of potato salad placed on the floor to simulate real-world conditions. Pretty impressive. You may have noticed this technology in action at the Super Bowl this year. Incidentally, our researchers are now studying the coin-atrraction properties of potato salad.
Marsupial Detector (concept)-
Used to determine if there are any marsupials in the immediate vicinity. Critics are not thrilled with this one. They say things like "this one should be called the UUT- Utterly Unnecessary Technology", or "Why?.....Why?". But we don't care. We think it will come in handy if you are allergic to kangaroos, or if you need to find the nearest wallabee, or better yet, if you want to find out if someone is just playing possum or is actually an oppossum. We know. Amazing right? Our team is working diligently on this one. It has been rumored that a group of blind one-armed Gabonese pigmy scientists is developing a similar product but we believe we are in the drivers seat on this one.
Click HERE and nothing will happen. Or will it?
UUR- Undetectable Universal Reset-
In production since 2002, this impressive (albeit useless) technology is usually implemented by a physical button-press type of manuever but could be activated by a mouse click or screen tap as well. When activated, the UUR resets the entire universe and restarts it at the precise moment of the activation, making it seem as though nothing happened. Remarkably, the memory of the activation remains, thus causing the unknowing user to experience bewilderment, confusion and occassionally, anger. It sometimes even causes the "client" to attempt the action again and again. The unhelpful nature of this technology and the lack of any practical or worthwhile application for it does not diminish it's grandeur. It did, afterall, take us two non-consecutive hours to think of. So, if you've ever pressed a button, clicked a link, or tapped an icon and nothing happened, that's what we want you to believe. In reality, you might have been UUR'd. You'll think of us next time the batteries are dead in your remote control.
Coin-toss Manipulator (CoMan)-
This is just what the name suggests. It's small profile is a key selling feature in that it is often important for implementation to be discrete. Weighing in at a mere 43 pounds the device kinda fits into a large suitcase or may be mostly concealed underneath a sombrero of exaggerated proportions. (we plan an update sometime next year that will eliminate the 96 decible buzzing sound). Use of this technology in clinical trial coin-tosses provided a 50.02% predictability of outcomes factor. In 10,000 tosses, where the CoMan was set to "heads" the tossing resulted in 5002 heads, 4997 tails, and one time the coin landed upright in a plate of potato salad placed on the floor to simulate real-world conditions. Pretty impressive. You may have noticed this technology in action at the Super Bowl this year. Incidentally, our researchers are now studying the coin-atrraction properties of potato salad.
Marsupial Detector (concept)-
Used to determine if there are any marsupials in the immediate vicinity. Critics are not thrilled with this one. They say things like "this one should be called the UUT- Utterly Unnecessary Technology", or "Why?.....Why?". But we don't care. We think it will come in handy if you are allergic to kangaroos, or if you need to find the nearest wallabee, or better yet, if you want to find out if someone is just playing possum or is actually an oppossum. We know. Amazing right? Our team is working diligently on this one. It has been rumored that a group of blind one-armed Gabonese pigmy scientists is developing a similar product but we believe we are in the drivers seat on this one.
Click HERE and nothing will happen. Or will it?
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