What the Media Won't Tell You About Periodical Cicada Brood XIX

 

With eyes of crimson and bodies black as tar, they scream incessantly in coordinated waves, tormenting all living souls. 

Cicadas...each individual is but a part of the demonic collective, one that exhibits signs of a bad mood after being buried in dirt for thirteen years.. 

Now, the collective has surfaced, escaped from its earthen sarcophagus to rage aloud, to spread word of the awakening. The weight of 112 trillion cicadas is too much for some trees to bear, while 224 trillion beady, blood-red eyes marvel at the destruction.

The awakening, and the blistering racket it brings, has an impact on more than just trees...it invades homes like yours. 

It punctures the shingles, penetrates the brick, vibrates the nails and rumbles the wood, accelerating the natural breakdown. Wind and rain, sun, ice and snow would take years to corrupt these materials, but the grotesque sound, the cacophony of the cicada collective, does it in a single summer. 

It rattles your familiar walls, shaking loose the secrets held there, spilling them out during your family dinner, ruining it for everyone -- as if you weren't going to ruin it yourself.

Some people become mildly irritated by the undulating noise, while others are driven to madness.

I happen to live in the area plagued by a specific demonic collective known as Periodical Cicada Brood XIX. If you live in this area, I'm sure you've heard enough about cicadas lately to write a Wikipedia page, and you're probably sick of their group buzzing exercises. 

I won't rehash all the media hype. I am here to tell you the things the media refuses to discuss.

As I mentioned before, some people are driven to madness by the cicada's chorus. This is not just a turn of phrase, it is the truth. 

No one wants to talk about the fact that a few thousand cicada's oscillating in harmony create distorted sound waves that are incompatible with the human ear. These waves breach the ear canal to infiltrate the brain. Unchecked by the ear drum, they cause physical harm to brain matter.

Even worse, the pressure created by the dour symphony squeezes on the skin, diving into the pores, forcing all manner of filth deep into the body. Bacterium, viruses, residue from lotions, all driven through the soft tissue. The unceasing hum passes through muscle as radiation would, striking the bone, rattling the marrow like a dentist's drill.

It isn't just humans who suffer from exposure to these distorted waves of malevolent music. If you haven't noticed, rabbits are on edge. Deer look annoyed. Squirrels are going nuts.

Bees, moths, mosquitoes, mayflies, and regular flies...they find themselves unable to navigate the invisible fog that clouds the air. Even those sons of bitches known as June-bugs, never known to be skilled aviators,  have increased difficulty running into light bulbs.

Birds do their damnedest to eradicate the plague, but they are outnumbered. Sad, sad birds. Well fed, but sad birds. Valiant, heroic birds.

All of this is disturbing, but not nearly as disturbing as what I am about to tell you.

Cicada-generated aural interference can disrupt radio signals. Television stations will go dark, top 40 radio stations will no longer keep the hits coming. The disruptions in the audible frequency band will block cellular service and disable WiFi networks. 

If cicadas ever decide to coordinate their efforts they will grind our economy to a halt. No more daily packages on the doorstep. No more food delivery options.

Pace makers are ineffective when cicadas are hollering. All forms of DIY medical tests fail. Blood sugar tests, COVID tests, pregnancy tests...all useless. Hearing aids are useless too.

The ghastly howls of the devil's choir prevent LED lights from lighting. They keep microwaves ovens from oven-ing. They bring down aircraft, raise tides, alter the orbit of the moon, and deplete the Earth's magnetic field. 

If cicadas, in their Satanic oneness, ever figure out how to skip their thirteen year nap we're all doomed.

So, to those who are mildly irritated by the sound of these bugs, I say, "Put down the strawberry milkshake, put on some pants, and start screaming back!

God help us all.

Corporate Sell-out Maneuver #1: A Book Promotion

It's been a long time since we've posted anything here, and we have a very good reason for that. The reason is none of anyone's business, but it is a very good one. 

If it was any of your concern, we could tell you the reason we've been gone so long and you would be like; "Oh wow! That is a very good reason. One of the best I've ever heard."

But alas...not your concern. 

So, what brings us back now? 

There is a very good reason for that as well. This time, it is your business. In fact, we will tell you the reason we are suddenly back here, blogging like crazy.

It's because the boss said we are supposed to promote his book.

Here is the book promotion.

 

It is odd that there is some other guy's name on the book. A ghost writer, maybe? Dunno.

We're supposed to mention that the book will be out soon and let you know how you can find out more. 

Apparently, you can find out more about the book and also sign up for updates here.

Now, this is a departure from our standard operating procedure because the book is real. We typically don't deal with real things, so everyone is in a bit of a panic around here. Some of us worry that this may lead to a loss of focus on the normal nonsense and represents a shift to ecommerce. 

Understand, the word "ecommerce" sends shivers down the spines of the Crock, Inc. staff because ecommerce means work. We are averse to work so we would prefer to keep this company focused on providing top-quality nonsense at a reasonable price.

The boss argues that his book fits that description. 

While the book may indeed be nonsense, it appears to be a real and tangible book that will require real and tangible money to purchase. No matter what this book costs when it hits the stores, if it's more than $0.00, it will be the biggest-ticket item we've ever promoted. 

You can see how this would make us nervous.

Anyway, fingers crossed that this will satisfy the boss man. Hopefully we can get back to nonsense now.

The Inspirational Wisdom of Mr. Davies

As I've ascended the ladder of success, I've crossed paths with many wise folks who have provided advice, encouragement, and inspiration to me.  But perhaps the most inspiring inspiration and the wisest wisdom I received came from the late great Marcetius H. Davies III.  He was a contrary old cuss most of the time. Generally, when he talked he was angry and grumbling about something or just in a bitchy mood. But sometimes, every once in a while, if I listened, REALLY listened to what he was saying, there was a profound quality about it. In his lucid moments when he was focused on his message, he delivered life lessons in short bursts, many of which have stuck with me all these years.  I would like to share with you some of the wise wisdom that Marcetius bestowed upon me. Here are some that made the most impact:

For every dollar there's a shoe shine.

A man shaves when he feels like it.

No one ever sailed to Topeka.

If you bought it, you own it.

Don't throw your money.

It's okay to like turtles. They wear their homes.  It's not okay to like people who wear turtles home.

If you make a mistake, you should repeat it three times to make sure it's real.

Saving your loose change will get you murdered in Thailand.

If a friend comes to you in need, help him find a different friend.

The longer your doctor looks at you, the deader you're about to be.

The only person you should allow to tell you to shut up is your own lawyer.

If you want to get a job in this town you have to be at least as smart as a full grown cantaloupe.

You can't dig out of a hole.   You just can't.  It makes no sense.

You can't get gum drops out of headless cat. Unless you put gum drops in a ceramic candy jar shaped like a cat and the head is a lid.

Feelings aren't real things.  Quit your crying.

When a man wants a sandwich he wants a sandwich immediately.

Damn kids keep pissing in the bird bath!

Well, now that I typed these out I'm not sure if I remembered them correctly.  They may not be verbatim, but I think the messages are still there.  Surely you can learn something from these. I know I did.

Four Bad and Deadly Work Habits That Will Kill You Completely Dead

You are doing some things at work that are going to kill you completely dead.  If you are okay with that, you can stop reading this right now.

Since you are still reading, it means that you, like many Americans, do not want to be killed completely dead.  (You'd prefer somewhere between not-quite-dead and slightly injured, I guess). This is good, because that means you have NOT developed the first bad and deadly work habit on our list of bad and deadly work habits that will kill you completely dead, which is; stopping reading things.

Stopping Reading Things
Listen! I understand that reading is boring.  I understand that we all would rather just have someone tell us about the important parts of any written piece.  When we look at an article, for example, we quickly scan headline to determine if we need to read it. Even if we do decide we need to read it, we probably will skim a few words in the first paragraph or two and call it good.  Turn the page. Keep scrolling.  Then, "Oh look!  Dunkin' Donuts has a new breakfast sandwich!", and we're in the car headed to Dunkin'.  Meanwhile, the rest of the article we didn't finish is trying to tell us about the outbreak of salmonella poisoning stemming from the new Dunkin Donuts breakfast sandwich.

Our diarrhea, fever, and abdominal cramps will serve as a nice reminder for us now that we know we could have avoided it all by simply not stopping reading things.  Sure, Salmonella probably won't kill you.  At least not to the point where you consider yourself completely dead. But it's not going to be a whole lot of fun.

What if the thing we stopped reading were a warning label?  If all we see is "CAUTION!", we might have a propensity to be slightly more careful for a few seconds, but we will not have any idea what to be careful of.  This is precisely why, every year in this country, over 45 million people slip on the wet floor, fall, and die from head injuries, despite the fact that the sign was right there telling them "CAUTION! WET FLOOR!".  With our busy lifestyles who has time to read those two extra words?  Well, the over 45 million people who completely died this year would probably make the time if given the chance to not slip and be killed completely dead.

Poor Posture
We have gone to great expense to provide those ergonomic office chairs so that you people will sit up straight with proper posture.  Why is this important?  Because slouching at your desk leads to death, 100% of the time.  Every single person who slouches at their desk will eventually die.  There is no arguing that.  Did you know that your spinal cord is vital to your success in your career?  Poor posture puts unnecessary and unnatural strain on this vital organ.  If your posture is poor enough, you will not be able to stand up to your boss.  Not only will you not be able to defend yourself from his ridiculous accusations and demands, you quite literally will not be able to physically stand up. Your spinal cord will shrivel up into something that resembles a crinkle-cut french fry, which immediately leads to a quick, although painless, death.

Chewing on Pens
Diarrhea, fever, and abdominal cramps are the least of the nasties you can pick up from this bad and deadly habit.  Don't believe me?  In a impartial double-blind covert surveillance mission study conducted by an outside contractor on our behalf painted a horrific picture of just what happens to pens left on desks unattended.  Video footage from the study showed a worker who left her pen on her desk when she went to the copier.  Within 3 seconds of the pen being left unattended, a coworker came by, picked up the pen, scribbled something on a piece of paper, stuck the pen in his nose and dug around a little, then returned the pen to the desk and went on about his business.

In another piece of footage, we witnessed a maintenance worker hose down an unattended pen with industrial-strength pesticide while attempting to mitigate an ant infestation.  Later, when the pen's owner returned, he picked up the pen and, without hesitation, put it directly in his mouth.  Towards the end of that video clip you can clearly see him get cancer.

While germs and contaminants are not pleasant, the study showed a far more disturbing and memorable reason to not chew on pens.  One morning, Justin Haverdasher had just filled his coffee cup and sat down at his desk to get his work day started.  As he did every morning, he picked up his pen and carelessly placed it between his teeth while reaching for the power button on his computer monitor.  Suddenly, without warning, the internal spring mechanism on his clicky-style pen failed. The little clicker piece on the end of the pen shot out of the plastic housing into Justin's mouth.  The velocity was so great that the projectile punctured his esophagus and and exited the back of his neck, becoming lodged in a cubicle divider nearly 50 feet away.  Justin died instantly and completely.

Talking in the Restroom
Freedom of speech is NOT an inalienable right in a restroom.  I'm just letting you know because some people apparently believe that the restroom is a good place to make small talk.  Those people are wrong, and here's why: talking requires one to open their mouth and exchange air through it. That's restroom air!  I don't think many people have ever died from bad smells, but I'm sure you can image what types microbes are present in that particular air.  There are tiny and very deadly molecules floating around in there, just waiting for an open mouth and flapping jaw to infiltrate and destroy.  If you are one that likes to talk in the restroom, perhaps you deserve your fate.  Logic and common sense suggest that one should hold their breath, walk in the bathroom, do their business, wash their hands, and get out of there before they suffocate.

As with previous examples, sickness is not the most dangerous consequence of this bad and deadly habit.  Some people enjoy the privacy the restroom offers.  Talking to them in this setting may make them angry. Sure, they would have to be a truly psychotic monster to get angry enough to kill someone for talking to them in the restroom, but you never know when such a monster is lurking in the next stall.  Why risk it?  Don't talk in the restroom.



In conclusion, if you didn't stop reading this, you may have gained some insight into the dangers of these bad and deadly habits that will kill you completely dead.  Perhaps you have developed one or more of these habits yourself.  If what we've written here saves one life, we've done our job.  We'd even consider it a victory if we've stopped one person from talking in the restroom.

2017: A Look at the Year to Come

Rather than the typical review of the year that was, We thought it would be a unique and original idea (which will now be copied by most everyone in the media) to look at the year to come.  Never mind where we've been, it's where we're going that counts.  If we walk looking backwards, we might run into a pole or a homeless person. Better to keep focussed on the road ahead.  Those are wise words of wisdom delivered wisely.  

So, looking ahead.  This coming year will be different from the outgoing year in one big way.  The new year will be known as 2017.  Goodbye to that old tired 2016 banner at the top of your calendar.  That was a dumb name for a year anyway. 2017 has a better ring to it.  Sure, the new year is a number, just like the old year.  But the cleverness of incrementing the name by just one digit really sets it apart. We love it already.  This means that in 2017 we can do just one more awesome thing.  Okay.  Maybe that's not what it means, but it's the thought that counts.

Here are some bold predictions for 2017:

- There will be at least 12 months in the year.  In fact, most calendars have already been printed with exactly twelve months.  Everyone has already agreed on names for these months, so we can't change them now. If additional months are needed, the extra calendar pages can be purchased at our company store or on our website.  

- We are not going to observe leap year in 2017.  We strongly believe that this will be a traditional 365-day year.  It's a tribute to three of the four years past.  The month known as February will still be the quirky little 28-day midget that we all hated last year.  Take note: this means that you don't get that bonus day to think about doing something spectacular but never get around to it.

-  Someone famous will die in 2017.  It will be reported that a famous person died unexpectedly, but here you see us predict this clearly in advance.  Don't be fooled.  It was planned all along.

-  The number one song of 2017 will be hated by everyone in the world before the end of the year.  We will know all the words and wish we could forget them.  We will cringe at every note.  If you have those days where you wake with a stupid song in your head that makes you want to pop out your own eyeballs with a flat head screwdriver, that's probably the song.

- There will be a natural disaster.  We're not saying where or when.  Everyone everywhere should just be prepared.  You know?  Bottled water in the bunker and such.

- Some kittens may be born.  Someone might post videos of their antics as they grow up throughout the year.  

That's probably enough.  2017 is coming.  Celebrate the future tonight my friends!  

10 Tips to Make This Christmas Better Than Last

1. Wait until at least 11am to start drinking, unless you still have to run to

Wal-mart.  In that case, giddyup.

2. Avoid Wal-mart.

3. Get Grandma a gift so her disapproving stare doesn't haunt you all year again.

4. Do NOT, under any circumstances, use the words "dry" and "ham" in a conversation with your mother.

5. When someone gives you a gift, try responding with "thank you" instead of  "this better not be another stupid-ass tie".

6. The maximum amount of time you should spend with family is three hours.  Set your alarm.

7. Remember, every gift a child opens will need $80 worth of batteries, will need to be assembled, and will make incredibly loud and obnoxious noises. The best way to avoid this is to not invite children.

8. Wait one more year before you regift that tin of popcorn.  They'll forget.  Plus that stuff ages well.

9. Cursing is unavoidable, but try to keep it under you breath whenever possible.  Of course sometimes you will have to scream obscenities.  Everything in moderation.

10. Wear pants.

Did the Cubs Win?

Here's a weird sentence: The Chicago Cubs are World Champions.  

Here's another one: Congratulations to the Chicago Cubs.

And one more:  Finger monkey slushies never want raisins on whole wheat.

Okay,  that last one is really weird.  And off topic.  However,  all three of them are rarely written.  The first two I made up all by myself.  The last one is from MacBeth, or was it Othello?  One of those.

Well, now to the point.  Last night millions of people watched as the Cubs beat the Indians to win their first World Series title since 1908.  Do you know how many people watched them win in 1908?  6,210.  That's right.  Just the people who were actually inside the stadium.  That's because the television wouldn't be invented for another 19 years.  That may be difficult to imagine for some of us today.  Even if you did not watch the game last night, this morning you are no doubt being pummeled with highlights and social media buzz.  It's to be expected.  When something happens that hasn't happened since my kids' grandparents' parents' parents were alive, it's kind of a big deal.  Sure, it's baseball.  But baseball is kind of a big deal.  Not because I say so, but because.....well, look at the buzz.  It was a big deal before I declared it so.

I've seen some of this buzz (this is where we are in society; we now SEE buzz).  At least eleven people have congratulated the Cubs on their victory and included the words "well deserved".  I agree.  It was a well deserved victory.  But I think the reason it is well deserved is misunderstood.  The Cubs did not deserve to win just because it's been 108 years since they last did.  Baseball doesn't dish out titles evenly around the league but just decided to skip the Cubs in the rotation for more than a century.  Teams actually have to play games.  Lots of them.  They have to win the games.  The winner has to win a bunch of them during the season, and then several more in the playoffs.  In fact,  in the playoffs they have to win more than anyone else to become champions.  For now, at least.  Major League Baseball still keeps score.  So the Cubs deserved the title because they played well.  They had a great season and they outplayed their opponents in the playoffs.  That usually equals a championship.  It's earned.  It's well deserved.  

However, I must admit I liked the Cubs better when they were losers.  By "liked" I mean that I enjoyed reminding their fans that the first mass-produced Model T Ford automobile was only two weeks old the last time the Cubs held a trophy. 

I have a suspicion that even die hard Cubs fans, although elated right now, will eventually start believing that their team has lost something despite their winning. Maybe being perennial losers had an upside.  Maybe the tradition of losing instills a sort of upside down pride in fans.  They could always say they've stayed with the team through thick and thin (almost entirely thin).  Now, the die hards will find themselves surrounded by band-wagoners.  There will be a huge Craigslist market for used white sox merchandise as the sox fans convert to Cubs gear.  This win could turn out to be a curse for Cubs fans.  What's next?  A new stadium? 

Speaking of curses: The Cubs were said to be under the curse of the goat.  I don't even want to explain that for those who don't know already but this curse has been a good excuse for Cubs teams and fans for a long long time.  That's all gone now.  

Don't worry, I have this little guy in training for next year.

I've Heard Rumors

Rumors are fun. I'm not sure how they start but when one gets momentum it seems to travel the world in a day.  The really good ones usually involve some major product or brand that people love and use all the time.  And they're usually designed to scare the ever-lovin-bejeevers out of the average housewife. I would just like to share a few of the rumors that I've heard told by assholes or seen spread around social media by vegans.  There is not really any point to this but you can discuss these with yourself or your friends if you have any.

I'm sure you've heard, McDonald's McRib sandwich is made out of cardboard and probably recycled sandals or loafers. That's the rumor. The Chicken McNuggets are made out of mostly pink toothpaste with some hot dog added for color. Some hot dogs have chicken in them but this is the only chicken that has hot dogs in it. (Note: potential new grillin' favorite; hot dog stuffed chicken). Speaking of hot dogs; I have a feeling that they are made with pieces of animal carcass that wolves leave behind.  And they mix the animals together in those things too!  Cow snouts and pigs rectum in the same sausage, cavorting with chicken entrails.  Who cares? Yummy!

Procter and Gamble worship Satan. I don't even know where that one came from.  Is there a Mr. Procter and Mr. Gamble who conduct ritualistic animal sacrifices on the weekends, but during the week they invent things like the "quicker picker upper"?  Do they drink the blood of a tiny innocent lamb at night while, during the day, blessing the world with diapers that don't leak piss all over Grandma?  I guess so. You do know that when you put Pampers on your baby you  are giving them over to the devil, right? I'll bet you $400,000 P&G at some point invited Mr. Oscar Mayer to one of those weekend rituals and ole Oscar invented hot dogs right there on the spot.  You know? Because...the carcasses....

Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey contains high levels of some kind of toxin that makes you die.  I know it contains high levels of a toxin that makes you more fun for about an hour, then it makes you piss yourself and throw up on a stranger.  I'm not sure where the dying part happens.  Maybe the stranger who you puked on kills you or maybe you just go home and die later.  Not necessarily later that night, but probably sometime years, maybe even decades later.  All of us who have tried Fireball have to face up to the fact that we will one day die because of the toxin it contains.  I think that toxin is either antifreeze or the stuff that they put in the radiators of cars.  Maybe both.  Anyway, Fireball's slogan is "Tastes like heaven, Burns like hell".  Nice, considering you may go to one or the other immediately within decades of drinking it.  I guess if you go to the latter you can get the scoop on Procter and Gamble straight from the Satanist's mouth  I think that's how the saying goes.

This one is more pleasant.  Kind of a feel-good rumor.  And quite right for the season by total coincidence.  I'm only calling it a rumor because there are a few deniers out there who say this isn't true. I guess the rumor is the denial rather than the other way around.  Anyway, the all natural, organic, wholesome and nutritious Cadbury Creme Egg is, I believe, a REAL egg laid by one very special bunny rabbit.  Loaded with protein and Omega 3 fatty acids these delectable treats are an Easter-time favorite (the eggs, not the bunny).  When you bite, the chocolate-like shell gives way to the sweet and creamy goodness of the potential-future-baby-rabbit sauce inside.  You would never get a kid to eat a raw chicken egg, shell and all, yet they'll suck these down like they're candy.  But they're NOT.  Like I said, they are REAL eggs laid by this one certain bunny who has been pampered and protected and kept alive since 1963 by all means necessary so as not to lose this wonderful resource. Now some good news and bad news: the good news is that the eggs will never hatch.  The people who enjoy eating them can chomp away guilt free knowing they are not taking the life of a cute wittle bunny wabbit before it even develops.  The bad news is that the eggs will never hatch. It means there will never be another Cadbury bunny.  At least not one that can lay these delightful snacks.  This bunny is one of a kind.  A national treasure.  You would think "maybe the Easter bunny lays these eggs".  But this is a different bunny.  A real bunny.  The Easter bunny looks more like a guy in a rabbit costume than a regular.....OMG!!  The Easter bunny is a guy in a rabbit costume!

Ha ha ha!  I got you there.  Just trying to start a rumor of my own.  First, a taste of heaven, then I'm off to McDonald's.  I wish they sold hot dogs.

Gift Ideas for People Who Don't Need Gifts

We all have those people in our lives who seem to have everything.  We often struggle this time of year to come up with a gift for these people.  We squint our brains, for lack of a better term, to peer into their lives, trying to find something we can offer that would be of use or have some sentimental meaning to them. At the very least we hope to get an honest "Thanks" or "Oh that's....interesting".

As one of those people, I feel qualified to provide suggestions on what you might get me, or them, as a gift this Christmas. Here is a short list that I came up with in twelve seconds:

1) $1,000,000:  As a general rule, they won't complain.  

2) A Donald Trump campaign tee shirt autographed by Hillary Clinton.  Unique. Original.  One of a kind.

3) A miniature elephant.  One that is genetically engineered to grow no larger than a typical house cat.  Because cute.

4) True Love.  You'll have to get creative here.  Maybe you can order it online, probably from an Asian country.  The shelf life isn't the best but at least when it leaves it will only take half of their stuff.

5) A set of good knives.

And for some bonus tips on delivering these gifts; if you are mailing them please don't send $1M cash.  A VISA gift card is more secure and fits nicely in the envelope.  You can mail the tee shirt, it's fine.  Send the elephant via FedEx 2nd day air but starve it for two days prior so it doesn't mess in the box.  True love is best delivered in person and so are the knives.  

Peace on Earth!

Jury Duty: Day One

8:00am:  I arrived at the courts building along with several hundred other "randomly-selected" citizens, all eager to become cogs in the wheel of justice.  A sense of civic pride welled up in me as I made my way to the check-in desk.  The woman behind the counter was friendly.  I smiled at her and refrained from making any kind of a scene.  It's too early for that.

9:00am: I've been sitting in this room for an hour now, alternating between staring at my phone and staring at people who are staring at their phones.  That sense of civic pride is becoming drowned out by sheer boredom.  The realization that I am surrounded by strangers is starting to set in.  For the moment, I am resisting the urge to stir up a commotion.  I'm not sure how long my restraint will hold though.  The TV is looping the same instructional video over and over and over again.  I'm refusing to look at it anymore, but I assume it's still going because the background soundtrack for it is still repeating in the overhead speakers. I wouldn't use the word "rockin" to describe it. This music may very well be causing minor brain bleeding.  It has the potential to drive me to violence.  And YES, instructional video, THANK YOU for continuing to display the wireless network password that DOESN'T WORK!  I smashed the TV to tiny bits.

9:10:  That thing I said about smashing the TV.....not true.  No violence just yet.  I thought about getting a drink.  They don't have whiskey.  Settled for a diet soda. 

9:13:  Why is the guy next to me talking?  More importantly, why is he talking to me?  Don't do that.  Please don't.

9:33: Twenty minutes just went by. They took their time though.  If I didn't have a clock I would have bet money it was halfway through next week by now.

10:02:  This room is a cross-section of America.  I see people from all walks of life.  Well, there are no rich people here.  I guess rich people are exempt from public service?  Then why am I here?  Obviously there has been a mix up.  They clearly don't know who I am.  I am finding it difficult to detect happy people here as well.  But other than rich people and happy people, we've pretty much got it covered.  Surprisingly,  there aren't that many fat people.  You'd think there would be more chubbies. Still, a good mix.  There's a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker, blue collar, white collar, no collar, blacks, whites, Hispanics, people with good hair, people with no hair, normal people, weird people, and what appears to be a pedophile.  There's even a Japanese guy.  Where did he come from?  He looks so young!  Hey Yamamoto! You better move away from that pedophile!

10:17: I'm really enjoying watching all these people trying to use the coffee vending machine that doesn't drop a cup before it sprays out the coffee.  It's comical.  I would warn them but if these people were paying any attention at all they would have noticed the first half-dozen unfortunate saps who wasted 75 cents on coffee that poured directly into the city sewer system.  And these people are going to be jurors?  Folks, let's scrap this whole system and go back to the days of challenging people to a duel.  Sure, sometimes the bad guy wins, but this is rolling the dice here.  If I was an attorney selecting jurors, my first question would be "Did you put money in the broken coffee machine?".  If you answer "yes", you're out!  Oh, there's an idea.  Now I'm thinking of investing 75 cents myself.

10:59: They just called my number.  I have to go.  It is an accomplishment that I've made it this far without hurting myself or someone else, and without making any friends.  They probably won't let me tell you about most of the remainder of the day, but we'll see.

11:17: The judge seems nice.

11:37: You know how there's always that one guy in any group?  That guy who just wants to talk, to share his opinions, to express himself to the whole assembly? Yeah well there are four of them in this group.  We would have been done by now if they would just cork it.

11:42: HaHaHaHa!  The prosecuted just mispronounced the name "Czeczevzeckoflip".  Or I don't know.  Some name that probably was spelled similar to that based on how he pronounced it only different because he pronounced it wrong.  It was obvious.  No one corrected him though.

11:55: Recess!!  Haven't had one of these since grade school.  Actually, this is better because I don't have to be back until tomorrow. 

11:57:  I checked with the bailiff.  It wasn't a mix up.  They wanted me here even though I'm extremely wealthy.  But, as I suspected, he had no idea who I am.  Guess I'll just come back tomorrow and see how much more nothing happens.

Quick and Easy Ways to Ruin Things

Ruin what?  

How about dinner with a group of friends?

Sure.  That's easy.  First, know everything. It doesn't matter if the conversation is about the weather or sports or politics or leafy greens or quantum physics.  Know it all.  You'll obviously have to fake it, but that's fine.  However, you can't expect to ruin dinner with a group of friends if you don't share your "knowledge".  And remember, delivery is key.

You must speak loudly.  Your voice should be so loud that it over drives your friends ears, making them completely useless other than to hold up a pair of glasses.  You want people to receive your words by absorbing them as they penetrate through the skull directly into their brains. Deaf people should complain about the vibrations on their bodies.  Babies should cry when you talk. Dogs should howl.  Cats should (and will) look annoyed. Pretend you need to be heard from across the room with a pillow over your mouth while music is pumping and a construction crew is jack hammering and making all kinds of unnecessary ruckus like they always do.  Yes, people will want you to shut up.  That's perfect. But they won't tell you to shut up.  Instead, they'll sit there and politely pretend that your intense volume level isn't bothering them and that you are interesting.  

Then you must touch someone.  Well "touch" is not the right word . Replace it with "grab and shake".  Pick a victim and place your hand on their shoulder.  Begin to shake them and compress their shoulder until they become short of breath and nearly pass out.  They will begin a process of vigorous head-knodding as if they vehemently agree with whatever you might be saying.  But they don't.  In fact, it kind of sounds like complete bullshit.  Everything you say needs to seem like complete bullshit.  That shouldn't be difficult since you are faking your knowledge anyway.  It needs to be so loud and annoying that, if the government got ahold of it they would build a massive speaker array on the west coast of Alaska and aim it a Russia to drive them out of Asia.  And don't forget, you need to squeeze that shoulder good.  

With the knowing of all, the loud talking, the grabbing and shaking, and the bullshit, you are most likely to have ruined the evening for everyone.  If it still looks like someone is having a good time, continue the process until everyone is ready to leave.  Be careful!  If they bolt you might get stuck with the tab.  Excuse yourself to the restroom, ask the server for the checks on the way, and just leave without another word.

Your Friend's Son's first birthday party?

It's at 1:00.  Ignore the time.  Do not leave for the party until your friend calls or texts you asking where you are.  That should allow you to show up between 1:33 and 1:42. Plenty late so that everyone thinks you forgot. They won't be expecting you to have a gift for the little slobber box.

Back up a bit.  This takes some preparation.  Before you leave, throw about twelve of those 16-ounce cans of Stag in a cooler and ice it down.  You're going to wheel that puppy into Chucky Cheese's. Sure, you'll get some looks.  You might even get scolded by some overzealous teenaged employee.  See the techniques in the dinner party example above.  A little taste of that and they will leave you alone.  Teenagers don't have the stomach for it.

Since you were late, you hopefully missed the overpriced cardboard pizza.  Ask for some anyway.  Then grab some cake. Eat it fast and make a mess.  Pretend you are one year old.  The birthday boy should have to compete with you to see who can be the most covered in icing. Throw back a few cans of Stag while you're at it.

When it comes time to open presents, sit patiently and wait for an opportunity.  You'll need to snatch away a good-sized chunk of used wrapping paper.  This will be harder than it sounds.  Everyone knows that a one year old loves the wrapping paper more than the present inside, so he may fight you for it.  If you are good at this, you'll make him cry.

Once you have the piece of used wrapping paper pryed away from the bawling child, grab a can of Stag from the cooler and wrap it up with the paper.  Hand it to the cry baby.  Maybe he will stop crying, maybe he won't.  Doesn't matter. At this point you are more than likely going to get dirty looks from several adults.  Someone will probably say something like "What are you doing?".  To which you will reply, "Giving an awesome gift, that's what! It's baby's first beer!"

When the kid's parents grab the Stag and bitch at you, you should respond; "See!  I knew his parents would be too pussy to get him a gift like this!" Grab a Stag, chug it, smash the can in the rest of the cake, take your cooler and leave.  Shout obscenities on the way out.  Make sure the birthday kid is crying as you do.  That should ruin it real good.

How about A funeral?

For this one you'll need a few things if you want to ruin it right.

1 Large bottle of Bourbon

1 Canary Yellow golf shirt

1 pair plaid shorts

2 white tube socks

1 pair sandals

1 pack of Parlament cigarettes

7-10 tasteless death jokes

Take one shot of the bourbon.  Put on the golf shirt, the shorts, the socks, and the sandals, taking a shot of bourbon in between each item.  Spill a decent amount of bourbon near the collar of the shirt.  Smoke 2-3 Parlaments at once and roll the pack up in one of the shirt sleeves.  Rehearse the jokes in the mirror.  One more shot and you're ready to go. Take the rest of the bourbon with you.  

If you've followed the instructions precisely, you don't have to worry too much about anything else.  You are bound to ruin this funeral.  When people see your get-up, they'll feel the disrespect.  Every crying relative you hug will smell the bourbon and the cigs.  They'll probably wish they could have some.  It's ok to share.  Get the immediate family of the deceased together in a circle and pass the bottle around.  When the second round is done, offer up the smokes.  One more round with the bottle and you can start telling the jokes.  If the bourbon is working, they'll be laughing. A few will be stumbling,  one kid will puke on gramma. If anyone needs to urinate they can use the open hole in the ground. The rest of the funeral-goers will be watching with disgust.  The master of ceremonies will ask you all to leave.  Convince the family to tell him they want the body back.  Help them load it in Uncle Randy's van.

You're job is done.

The scenarios presented above are just examples, but I'm sure you can use the techniques demonstrated here and apply them to other situations.  Make them your own.  Add lib if you like. Try it in a business meeting or at a movie.  Practice practice practice.  Pretty soon you'll be able to ruin almost anything.

How to Keep Your Pretend Job

Let's pretend you're employed.  How do you go about remaining so? 

For some of you the answer is: you won't.  What I am about to share is not for you.  It's also not for children, pets of any kind, rocks, witches, migratory birds, single-celled organisms, or giants.  This information is strictly for people who can pretend they are employed, and additionally, have the ability to imagine that they would want to stay employed. Oh, and its also for anyone and anything not included in the list of things that it is specifically not for. 

Was that confusing?  Let me try to simplify.  There was a list given.  That list contains the specific people and things that this post is NOT intended to help.  Anything or anyone else is probably going to benefit from it.  But, it is most helpful to the people who can play along with the concept as explained already a little bit ago.

So, a quick review.  Hypothetically, you're employed.  You have a job (that's just another way of saying you're employed).  You want to keep your job (again, hypothetically).  What should you do?

Well, the easy answer is that you should DO your JOB.  Sure.  That's true.  But in and of itself it is not enough.  Apparently its also not that easy.

Wait.  I'm being confusing again.  The answer is easy, but is not easy.  Damn!  I just made it worse.  Take two:  the answer to the question "how do you keep you job" is easy.  No, the answer is not "easy", its......  Oh hell!  The answer that is most commonly shouted out immediately without thinking much about it is " do your job".  There!  Shit!  Got it.

Anyway, right!  If you do your job you won't be fired for not doing your job. Good answer. But, what I was saying before I interrupted myself is that it seems not as easy to do one's job as it sounds like it should be. That isn't even the point.  Rather it is just a side bar observation and I really don't want to discuss it other than to say that its usually a problem with laziness or from missing appendages and such.

Do you realize that most employees do their jobs at least part of the time?  Its true.  Yet, in the US, over 36 million employees are fired every second.  (That's a statistic. We use them sometimes to prove points).

It doesn't take a Volkswagen mechanic to deduce that just doing your job is not enough to keep your job.  So what else do you have to do? 

There are really only two other things an employee can do to remain employed.  They are as follows, in no particular order;

1) Show up on time
2) Stay the whole time

That's it.  Show up on time and stay the whole time. Never let them see you when you aren't there.  That's not quite the right way to say it, but you know what I meant. There have been cases where just those two things alone have kept people employed for years.  I know a guy who did those two things, never once did his job, just showed up on time and stayed for his entire shift, every day for 42 years.  He died, but that doesn't mean you will.  The point is he never got fired.

There was another guy who did his job pretty well, he showed up on time and stayed the whole time, but still got fired.  I think he punched an Asian woman or stabbed the security guard maybe.  Probably would have been fine if he hadn't done that. 

Now that throws a wrench in the works, doesn't it?  I was trying to explain that you just need to show up on time, stay the whole time, and do your job to keep your job, but now I have started this partial list of things you shouldn't do if you want to keep your job. I could probably think of a lot more things to add to that particular list, but I don't have time for all that.  Anyway, it's not my job.

Missed Opportunities are Dumb

Maybe you didn't answer the phone when a buddy called with tickets to the big game, and by the time you called him back he had given them to that asshole Chad.

Maybe you had a great idea but didn't act on it and later you discovered that some other smart son of a bitch went ahead and invented the thing you though of first, and he is making a bunch of cash from it.

Perhaps you were not chosen for a job that you really wanted just because the other guy didn't talk with a fake British accent in the interview, and you did.

Did you have a crush on that girl in school but never talked to her only to later find out she was totally interested in you and that she is Scarlett Johansson?

I doubt if any of these ever happened to you.  But I'm sure you've had your fair share of missed opportunities. That's dumb.  It's also unavoidable.  I'm not saying you couldn't have captured some opportunities that you missed.  Not at all.  You could have seized those moments.  You could have answered that phone call or built that idea but you never could have dated Scarlett Johansson.  Ever.

It would not be possible to go through life taking advantage of every opportunity presented to you.  You are bound to miss a few.  You'll miss some and realize it immediately, like when an object is hurtling towards you head and you want to duck, but you're too slow.  You'll miss others that you will never know you've missed, like when you take a walk on a beach and step right over buried treasure. 

Missed opportunities can be frustrating to say the least.  I've explained how common and unavoidable they are, but that doesn't mean I accept it.  In fact, I am super pissed about the one I missed.

My friend Patrick posted his gas grill for sale on Facebook today . $50. Some psycho beast named Leah spoke for it before I even saw the post.  What was she doing? Sitting there waiting for him to post it?  Does she not have a job or a hobby or friends?  Who has time to watch Patrick's profile all day every day until he finally sells the damn grill?  He never uses it. It's a nice one . I wanted it. I've wanted it for over a year.  Here was my chance, but there comes Leah to "snatch" it away from me.  I hope it ruins her barbecue every weekend.  I hope it catches on fire and falls in her swimming pool.  Or better yet, I hope she is not smart enough to turn it on. Please, no one help her.  Let her sit there and know that she bought a $50 stainless steel lawn ornament. I hope she is too slow to duck when this object hurtles toward her head.  Too far? I should take this opportunity to shut up now.

How to Waste Time Efficiently

When you waste time, you should try to be as efficient as possible. I know I've written about this before but I didn't waste enough of my time on it, and neither did you.

Given the relatively small amount of time we are able to devote to wasting in a given day, wouldn't it be smart to use it wisely?  Wouldn't it be wise to be smart about it?  If you could squeeze even more nothing in that time, wouldn't you do it? 

Of course the answers are all "yes".  If my math is correct, that's three yesses. As we know,  any time you get someone to say yes three times, you have seized control of their actions.  Any time you can seize control of people's actions, you pretty much win.  And when you win, you can act like a complete asshole without any consequences. I think.  But that's not my point.  Yes it is, but just not right now.  Right now I'm writing about how you should stop being such an idiot about how you waste time.  I'm going to solve the problem that most of you have, and that is;  you always wind up doing something when you are wasting time.  So here are some ideas of things to do or not do to get the least done in the most amount of time;

1) Sit still.  Don't move around too much, you'll just wind up doing something or going somewhere.  You might think its acceptable to twitch your foot in a fast rhythm but you are wrong.  That's never acceptable and it bothers people.  bothering people is usually a worthwhile endeavor, therefore not a waste of time. 

2) Clear your mind of useful thought.  It's ok to think about stuff, but it should be useless stuff.  Example;  thinking about who would win in an all-night backwards pretend swimming contest between your high school gym teacher and one of those robot vacuum cleaners is a good useless thought.  The chances of it ever happening are not very good.  At the most it's 50/50.

3) Do not sleep or eat.  Both of these are things your body needs.  Do them on someone else's time.  Breathing is something your body needs too, but you'll still have to do that or your available time to waste will significantly decrease due to your death.  Dying is not recommended.

4) Do not read. Well,  at least not anything important or thought-provoking.  Anything on this blog is fine to read,  but please no books or magazines or newspapers or backs of cereal boxes.  Social media sites may be acceptable,  so long as you do not engage anyone or "like" anything.

5) Stack things.  Make sure it isn't for organizational purposes though.  Don't stack folded laundry.  Don't sort anything either.  Stack any random objects within reach.  The odder the combination of shapes and sizes, the greater the waste of time.  If you can stack a full coffee cup on top of a salt shaker on top of a tennis ball on top of a butter knife standing on end,  you've wasted a bunch of time in a very short period.  Be careful here!  If the stack tumbles, you'll be tempted to clean up the mess.  Resist the temptation.  That would productive and not a waste of time.

6) Talk to your spouse.  Pick a non-essential subject that you know you are right about.  It will turn into an argument.  According to certain studies,  arguing with your spouse is one of the biggest wastes of time one can engage themselves in.  If you don't have a spouse, try it with your boss.

7) Avoid idiots.  It cannot be done. It's hopeless, and therefore a giant time-waster.

8) Wash towels.  Why on gods earth would you do this other than to waste time?  You only used them to dry your (theoretically) clean body and you are just going to use them again tomorrow. This is a smart way to be wise about your time wasting.

I hope this helps.  I have to go now because I have a three-foot stack of beer bottles and hardboiled eggs I need to attend to.

Here You Go. You're Welcome.

Oh hell yeeeyah! I finally get to do that one thing I believe I was born and sent here to do.  Well, no.  There are closer to fifteen reasons I was born and sent into your life.  But this is just one of them, and I haven't gotten to do this for several days.  Before I tell you what it is, allow me to toy with you for a long time first.  

I can give hints if you want.  Do you like guessing games? NO GAMES!  Get to work!  Actually and realistically, all kidding aside, get back to work.  By "work" I mean finish reading this.  It is actually and factually mandatory that you read it.  If you don't read it you will be suffocated by used garbage bags clinging to you nose and mouth.  If you stop half way through you will be covered entirely, head to toe, in the juice that has been sucked out of people's mouths by that tiny vacuum thing the dentist uses.  And if you read but fail to comprehend, you will be placed on a step stool in the cafeteria wearing only a catchers mask while coworkers stab you repeatedly with bendy straws.  Yeah, I guess you better read on.  Don't you think, chief?

Oh shit!  Almost forgot.  The hints!  

What I am about to do will certainly be a topic of conversation amongst the hourlies for quite some time to come.  It will have a dramatic impact on their loathing of themselves and life in general, and the trend will upwards.  This thing I am about to do will change the way workplace violence is conducted, and the trend will be towards quickly and often.

Have you guessed it yet?  No?  Let me just go ahead and tell you:  I am introducing a new process.

I love introducing new processes almost as much as all of you love new processes. That's why I, and you, are about to become whipped into a frothing frenzy of excitement at the process that I have the somewhat twisted pleasure of foisting upon you below.

As you probably know, the process is necessary because one guy did something bad a few weeks ago and I have lost complete confidence that any of you can function at any productive level without my indirect knowledge and approval.  That's the reason for all new processes.  So, in order to make me happy, I have implemented the following very simple and efficient new process for clocking in.

For hourly employees: 

Before you clock in for the day you must perform the following steps:

1) Complete form #2163.45H Permission to Clock In.  

2) Obtain signature from your direct manager.

3) Have the signed form notorized by a licensed Notary Public with two non-corporate witnesses present.

4) Scan in the notarized form using a non-corporate scanner and email it to permissionforeverything@crockinc.com

5) Mail the original signed and notarized form in a non-corporate envelope with non-corporate postage to: Crock, Inc. Permissions Department, PO Box 12001 Hattlebury, ZB 00200-12001

6) Wait for the official confirmation email from someone in the permissions department (allow 4-6 weeks for delivery).

7) Print the confirmation email and repeat steps 1-4 using that printed confirmation email instead of the permission form.

8) Once you receive a confirmation email that your confirmation email has been confirmed, hop on one foot for 30 seconds.

9) Shout any word that begins with the letter B, loudly, into someone's face.

10) Drink 8 glasses of water.

11) Ponder the impact of ancient societies on the current state of technology

12) You may now clock in.

Please note you must clock out for bathroom breaks, lunch breaks, smoke breaks, and any other type of break.  Please follow the new process when clocking in after breaks.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation in the implementation of this new process. We strongly believe this will greatly increase the happiness of the man at the top and greatly diminish everyone else's will to live.

Chronicles of a Desk Drawer

It seems like something is missing from my desk.  The top drawer.  Its completely gone! 

Oh wait.  No.  There it is.  Someone must have put it back right when I said that.

I better make sure everything is still in there.  Hmmmm.  There's my box of paperclips.  Why do I even have those?  I wish I had a magnet.  Paperclips and magnets make for thrity seconds of joy that can't be matched. 

Look at these stupid-ass pencils!   Ha ha!  Those things are so grade school.  They're for people who make mistakes.  I have no use for them.  Or do I?  Here's a pencil sharpener.  For those of you who don't know, a pencil sharpener is a device that is used to hone a pointy tip on the end of a pencil opposite the eraser. And if you're wondering, the eraser is the rubbery thing on one end of a pencil that you use when you need to remove incorrect math or delete curse words.  I could fashion some sort of missle out of these pencils and they might stick in the ceiling.  That could be entertaining.

Here's a business card . Look at this guy.  What an idiot!  Neuroscientist?  What kind of job is that?  Guess he should have gone to college.  Dr. Robert Gingham, you are a failure! And you're tie is ridiculous.

Ah ha!  My letter opener.  I have always wondered why they call it that.  Usually things are named more practically. I would think they could have gone with something that gives a better indication of what the thing is used for.  For instance, they could have called it a nearly useless knife, an oversized tooth pick, or a.......wait a minute!  There's a magnet!  Where'd those paperclips go?  There they are.  Excuse me for thiry seconds.

I'm back!  Completely theraputic, that was.

What else do I have in here.  I thought I had some vodka but all I see is whiskey and pot.  I mean, oregano.

Who took my waffles? I had a whole box of waffles in here and they're gone!  Oh well.  I left the syrup in my other pants anyway.

The next person who gives me a shitty promotional pen is getting a nearly useless knife in the eyeball.  Geez!  I must have four to five hundred thousand of these things.  Value Insurance, Drake Home Remodeling, Harold's Discount Smoke Shop, and here is good one:  Primo Pens and Promotional Items.  I'm calling these people later.  Going to tell them to come and look at the hell they created in my life.

Well now I'm shocked!  I thought for sure someone would have stolen this picture of some goody-looking couple and the ugly kids with a bunch of teeth.  

Oops.  Not my desk.  Gotta go.

Announcements, Reminders, and Death Threats

Some announcements:

Fletch Cumberbun has been appointed chancellor of the third-shift production team bowling league.  He doesn't know what he's doing, but at least he's sober sometimes.

Effective today, no live chickens will be sold in the company store.

Last week we set a new company record for days without a workplace stabbin'.  The previous record of two days had stood for almost 14 years.  Congratulations everyone who refrained from stabbin' a co-worker.

And additional thanks to everyone who participated in our annual campaign to raise funds for our charitable foundation; Boob Jobs for Belinda.  Because of your generosity, Belinda is nearly a third of the way to her first boob job, she needs two.  If you did not participate in the fundraisers, please sign your name to the list on the bulletin board in the cafeteria which will evetually be read aloud at the company holiday party where it will be recorded and sent to local media.

We are pleased to announce that we have just completed construction of the world's largest urinal.  Located in the atrium of the Admiral Winston De Prick Library, the 474-foot tall pisser seems right at home amongst the artificial trees and drunk panhadlers within the space.  Weighing in at over two tons, the massive toilet uses 720 gallons of water per flush and the urinal cakes have to be inserted by forklift.  Careful though.  When this thing flushes it sucks the air out of the building and sometimes takes small children along with it.  

And now, some reminders:

Thursday is our annual shuttlecock swap.  Not much else to be said about it.

Thursday is also Arrogant Bastard Appreciation day, so if you want to appreciate them, go to that bar in the strip mall for karaoke night.  They will all be there.

Expense reports are due each month between the first Sunday at 11:59pm and the first Monday at 12:01am.  Any reports received outside of this timeframe will be completely ignored.

Where there's smoke, there's smoke. If you assume anything else, even though you are most likely right, you're probably wrong.

Don't shove crayons under your eyelids. There is never a good reason to do so.

Never lick a cactus.

What does a bear do in the woods?

Wait!  How did a question get in there?

Oh, there's another one!  This isn't question time.  This is reminder time.  This is about as ridiculous as a conversation can be.  I mean, you aren't even participating.  You are a terrible person.  If there was going to be a death threat it would fit nicely right here

The Truth About James W. Kransington

He calls himself James W. Kransington. Most everyone else calls him James, or Jim.  His mom calls him Jimmy, his brother calls him Jimbo and that weird little greasy kid in the warehouse calls him "Jimmy K or the highway".  

James used to work here. He left to start a different, much less successful fake company.  He thinks he's hot shit because he has a moustache and he can bench press 2.6 tons.  He is really not a good guy.  I've heard rumors about him and I am pretty sure they're true.  Rumors usually are.  I don't like to get involved in the rumor mill but:

I've heard he reads at a fourth grade level and he has little bitty tiny balls.  As far as i know,  he has never denied either of these accusations.

I've also heard that he eats a live goat every morning for breakfast.  Probably washes it down with a raw egg.  It may sound hard to believe but, if you ever met this guy, you'd believe it.  He has never issued any statements refuting this claim.

Some people say he is tall.  We may never be able to prove it, but you can bet we're going to try.  If it turns out he is indeed tall, we have a plan to exploit that weakness . It starts with alerting the media and ends with bloodshed and jail time for someone.  I don't know who for sure yet.  Probably Hank Supernueva, the hit man I'm going to hire.

James W. Kransington once had a dog named Bravo who killed seven old ladies and a nursing home administrator for no good reason. I guess it isn't really all that big of a deal, but I heard about it, so I thought I would pass it along while I'm giving you the scoop on the guy.

I'm almost positive he has a dominatrix in his top desk drawer.

He drinks on the job every day and he's having an affair with Bill Gregory, the night anchor from Channel 9 news.  Everyone knows.  Its been well documented I think.

One day, when I was walking down the hall behind him, his jacket was sort if stuck in his belt and I could clearly see he has a tail, like a lizard.  

Don't trust this guy!  He steals girl scout cookies.  

He has never paid a dime in taxes.  

He owns more than one food processor.

He collects hair samples from public restrooms.

And worst of all, he whitens his teeth!  I am not even joking.

Jimmy K or the Highway lied on his resume.  

He NEVER washes his ass crack.  

He weighs more than his drivers license says.  

He's nowhere near as good looking as his profile picture.  

He has prosthetic ears.

When James was 13, he went to prison for raping a pair of shoes.

I swear on my honor that he is half robot. His body is full of circuitry.  He plugs himself into the power outlet at his desk.  It's so obvious!

This is weird: he sleeps hanging upside down with his head in a bucket of cole slaw.

If James ever accidentally brushes against you, you will need to go to the hospital immediately.  No one knows for sure why,  but you'll only have minutes to live!

His breath smells like Rum and his feet smell like rasberry yogurt.

Don't make eye contact with James or you will turn into a stone statue of yourself only seven feet taller.  Forever.

I have a bunch more, but I am not sure if they are true.  

 

Simple Task, Big Mistake, Short Rant, Incoherence, Quiz

This company has easily 130,000 different forms that must be completed just to order new ink cartridges for our printers.  I think we need one more.  Here's why:

WE GOT THE WRONG CARTRiDGES!

Stupid dumb ridiculous unacceptable bullshit.  Dumb! How can this happen?  If you struggling for an answer let me help you.  It rhymes with "Fincompetence".  (Ball=Dropped).

We're implementing another form, right now.  Its another document that must be completed before ordering anything.  Yes, even Chinese food, pizza, and flowers.  The document is a sworn affidavit stating that the procurement officer has checked no less than twenty-four times to make sure the order is correct.  If the document is not included, the order will not be entered.  If the document is filled out incorrectly, the order will not be entered.  Although it should never happen, let's say the order IS somehow entered under either circumstance above.  In this case the order-entry agent will be killed immediately by the corporate ninjas.  If the order-entry agent enters an order incorrectly after receiving a properly completed affidavit, the agent will be murdered in his or her sleep on the following Tuesday, by the corporate hit men.  If the procurement officer fills out the document dishonestly or otherwise attempts order fraud, he or she will be bound, gagged, and thrown in a pit of hungry corporate interns until consumed by them.  If the order is muddled, fumbled, flubbed, or otherwise dicked up by the vendor from which the order was placed, by the factory or warehouse which filled the order, or by the shipping company, (Pooch=Screwed) the offender's business will be the target of destructive military-style assaults by the corporate death squad until it ceases to be recognizable as a building and all occupants are vanquished.

I feel like I should say, "Is that clear?"

But really you don't need to worry about trying to remember all of this.  It will be spelled out in detail on the new form.  All you really need to know is that you should try to order correctly every time or conditions will become unfavorable for you.

And another thing: measels.  Apparently they are making a comeback.  What's next? Ferrets?

This may seem off topic but if you make me choose between a Buick and a donkey, I'm taking the Buick almost every time.

As you know, we hire only the best and brightest.  We like to keep our associates sharp and polished.  That's why we conduct random aptitude testing almost randomly, nearly never, but once in awhile, if the need is there and we aren't too busy.  As sharp as these little shits seem to be they still haven't figured out the the answer is "B".  Its always "B".  Every single question.  The answer is "B", as in "Boy".

Yeah, so we run a little moonshine.  What's the big deal?

And lastly, motorcycle helmets are not appropriate attire in the movie theater.  I found that out the other day.

Now, you may wonder how all of these things are related.  You're thinking too much.  Think about it.  Is it:

A) they aren't related

B) the last five paragraphs are meant to distract from the possibility that policies outlined at the beginning might be sort of illegal, depending upon what state you're in

C) all of the above

D) the answer is B

 

2014 Brings Big Changes in the Solar System

HAPPY NEW YEAR simple peasants with no fashion sense!  We are starting this thing off with a bang!  This is not a time to tell you what we want to do this year.  It's no time to be hopeful for improvement.  This is a time for confident and assured action.  In 2014, Crock Inc is going to relocate Saturn!   Yes, the planet.  We will bring it closer to Earth so it can be viewed in the night sky, rings and all.  This will make for some great photos and confuse the shit out of wolves (we've hated wolves from day one and they deserve this).

This year, we will kill every last wasp on the planet and at least half of the ones from outer space.  They suck.  Really bad.

We are committed to preserving this nation's wetlands so future generations may never go there just as we were blessed to never have gone there. 

What the hell is wrong with Beyonce?  Oh, wait.  That's Mariah Carey.  My bad.

Anyway, in this new tiny baby infant year that has flopped gracefully from the uterus of 2013 just now, Crock Inc will invent a new word.  Not immediatley, but later in the year.  Maybe In March, or neither.  (I know.  Did it on purpose.)

If you are wondering what changes are being made immediatley, here they are:

We will no longer be using the word "talliwhacker".

We no longer accept American Express.

We suddenly love baked beans.

Clear is now a color.

All employees named Dick are promoted to the head of "in charge".

The company librarian is now a demon named Fractumettik who feasts on silence and puppies.

Lies are now called "misleading tales of untruth meant to mislead for you own damn good". 

You know, just the standard stuff. 

Obviously this will be a hell of a year, but if you don't shut your mouth we'll have you appointed Secretary of Last Year, also effective immediately.