Introducing the New Coordinator of Sticky Removal

Perhaps you will recall the job opening created a while back after Ghordo Whipple successfully navigated his way into my office without an appointment, but did not have as much success on the way out. If you don't remember, please review.

Finally, after hundreds of interviews, we have found our man. He possesses the exact skill set we were seeking in a replacement for Ghordo. He's reserved and a little creepy. He has the comb-over and a mustache. The lenses of his glasses are at least as thick as his eyebrows. His skin is shiny and he smells like pastrami and beer. He is a self-starter who is able to work unsupervised (although probably shouldn't). He is an accomplished trash sorter and a very talented broomsman.

Please join me in welcoming Mr. Reavis Cantalou, our new Coordinator of Sticky Removal. The Janitorial staff is now complete once again. I look forward to complete sticky abatement within the next week to ten days.

Have You Checked the Government's Credit Score Lately?

I have. It's not good. I'm starting to rethink my lending practices.

When I started paying into the social security system, I checked a few references and made Uncle Sam fill out a net worth statement. I weighed the government's debt-to-income ratio. I even pulled Equifax AND TransUnion reports on them. It wasn't good then, but I ignored it in the interest of fairness. I mean, doesn't everyone have the right to take money directly out of mypaycheck and use it for whatever they wish?

Now, however, in the wake of a lending crunch (tater chips), I'm cancelling the open line of credit I've extended to the feds. I'm fairly certain that I'm not going to get my money back voluntarily.

As the incredibly talented (and young, and handsome, and intelligent, and modest) CEO of an uber-successful fake corporation, you can imagine how much money I actually bring home. Well, that may not be true. It is an obscene and possibly unfathomable number. Not to mention, I have been skimming some off the top for years now, plus, I have a massive "golden parachute" and a stock portfolio that could choke a big fat stock portfolio eater. Over the course of my illustrious career, $1(insert a whole bunch of zeros) has been seized from my paychecks for my government-mandated government-managed retirement account also know as "social security".

Since I make sick money, and since the government has already spent what they confiscated from me, I'll never see a dime of it back. Where I come from, that's called "default". The government is a deadbeat street thief. It's time to cut them loose and call in the note.

I've already sent three letters. One letter was a "friendly reminder" stating that " perhaps you have overlooked your bill" and asking them to "please call my office to make payment arrangements". No response. Another was a bit more stern. Something like "your account is past due" and "if your payment is not submitted within ten business days, your account may be reported to credit agencies". No response. The third letter was very brief; "Your refusal to respond has left me no choice but to pursue action against your physical well-being". I'm sending Veto and Murray out the Washington to break some legs.

I can't even get them to give me some lame excuse. Hey governement! See this for some good excuses.

Road Kill: Survival of the Fittest or Revival of the Mammoth?

We're not all about the profits here at Crock, Inc. We do believe in being good stewards of the earth. We, like you, are very concerned with the health of the environment and the well-being of our animal friends with whom we share our planet.

For the past seven years our research and destruction team has been researching the destruction of armadillo along Missouri roadways. Their findings may surprise you. Well, let's be honest. The bulk of you may be surprised to learn that there are armadillos to destroy along Missouri roadways. I was shocked too.

It is true. The mid-western roadways of the central portion of eastern Missouri do indeed run through armadillo territory. No one can say for certain which came first. Some evidence suggests that these lovable armored creatures may have migrated here after the industrial revolution of the central portion of eastern Missouri (1992). At any rate, during the seven year study, the frequency of armadillo road kill incidents increased from 4 in 2001 to more than 400 in 2008. That's like a million percent increase or something.

The evidence overwhelmingly points to a healthy and thriving population of armadillos in this region. Though it may also simultaneously suggest too yet as well that these creatures suck at crossing the road, it nevertheless proves that the armadillo population is on the rise.

Or does it mean that there is more traffic now? Or does it mean that evil operatives have been targeting these animals with their automobiles? The study didn't really take it into account. Actually, we ended the study after one Crock researcher and destructor made a very valid point.

He asked, "Over the past seven years, how many Woolly Mammoth carcasses have been discovered slain by vehicles along the mid-western roadways of the central portion of eastern Missouri?"

Of course, the answer is; none. He continued, "If we found a fresh woolly mammoth road kill today in this area, wouldn't it indicate that the woolly mammoth population must have been greater than we thought prior to the road kill?"

Considering that we were 100% certain that there were zero mammoth left, we had to agree. Study complete.

What did we learn? If we all pitch in and help, we truly can make a difference. The planet needs you. You can start today. Please join Crock, Inc. in conjunction with The National Society of Crazies to help, not just armadillos, but squirrels, opossum, peacock, ostrich, and even woolly mammoth co-exist and thrive in a world of fast-moving automobiles. Here's how you can help:

When you're out driving around in your SUV for no good reason, look for opportunities. Each time you see an animal cross the road, consider speeding up and hitting the creature. Imagine the possibilities? If you hit enough of a certain species, you will (as proven by our seven year study) increase the known population of that particular species. Remember, if you run down just one woolly mammoth, you will have single-handedly brought back these majestic and docile mammals from extinction.

Please visit The NSC website for more information.

Fishing Lessons

So I watched both the DNC and the RNC. I studied and followed the coverage on the liberal networks and the normal one too (and even on the radio, shut your mouth).

I see one distinct difference between the platforms that is being overlooked, and has been since the democrat party rose from the primordial ooze and charged the other invertebrates a tax for breathing too much air. Without whipping it out and/or slapping your face with it or making any kind of big deal about it at all, I will tell you what it is. Obviously, I'm assuming you cannot figure this out for yourself, I shall hint your ass.

Here it is, in a nutshell (Macadamia, no...no..., filbert. That's it. Filbert.) Well, wait, I can sum it up with this old ecclesiastical proverb psalm: If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for life.

Can you decipher the hidden message? Can you figure out what I'm talking about? Can you dig it?

Fishing Lessons start Monday.