We're not all about the profits here at Crock, Inc. We do believe in being good stewards of the earth. We, like you, are very concerned with the health of the environment and the well-being of our animal friends with whom we share our planet.
For the past seven years our research and destruction team has been researching the destruction of armadillo along Missouri roadways. Their findings may surprise you. Well, let's be honest. The bulk of you may be surprised to learn that there are armadillos to destroy along Missouri roadways. I was shocked too.
It is true. The mid-western roadways of the central portion of eastern Missouri do indeed run through armadillo territory. No one can say for certain which came first. Some evidence suggests that these lovable armored creatures may have migrated here after the industrial revolution of the central portion of eastern Missouri (1992). At any rate, during the seven year study, the frequency of armadillo road kill incidents increased from 4 in 2001 to more than 400 in 2008. That's like a million percent increase or something.
The evidence overwhelmingly points to a healthy and thriving population of armadillos in this region. Though it may also simultaneously suggest too yet as well that these creatures suck at crossing the road, it nevertheless proves that the armadillo population is on the rise.
Or does it mean that there is more traffic now? Or does it mean that evil operatives have been targeting these animals with their automobiles? The study didn't really take it into account. Actually, we ended the study after one Crock researcher and destructor made a very valid point.
He asked, "Over the past seven years, how many Woolly Mammoth carcasses have been discovered slain by vehicles along the mid-western roadways of the central portion of eastern Missouri?"
Of course, the answer is; none. He continued, "If we found a fresh woolly mammoth road kill today in this area, wouldn't it indicate that the woolly mammoth population must have been greater than we thought prior to the road kill?"
Considering that we were 100% certain that there were zero mammoth left, we had to agree. Study complete.
What did we learn? If we all pitch in and help, we truly can make a difference. The planet needs you. You can start today. Please join Crock, Inc. in conjunction with The National Society of Crazies to help, not just armadillos, but squirrels, opossum, peacock, ostrich, and even woolly mammoth co-exist and thrive in a world of fast-moving automobiles. Here's how you can help:
When you're out driving around in your SUV for no good reason, look for opportunities. Each time you see an animal cross the road, consider speeding up and hitting the creature. Imagine the possibilities? If you hit enough of a certain species, you will (as proven by our seven year study) increase the known population of that particular species. Remember, if you run down just one woolly mammoth, you will have single-handedly brought back these majestic and docile mammals from extinction.
Please visit The NSC website for more information.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
Fishing Lessons
So I watched both the DNC and the RNC. I studied and followed the coverage on the liberal networks and the normal one too (and even on the radio, shut your mouth).
I see one distinct difference between the platforms that is being overlooked, and has been since the democrat party rose from the primordial ooze and charged the other invertebrates a tax for breathing too much air. Without whipping it out and/or slapping your face with it or making any kind of big deal about it at all, I will tell you what it is. Obviously, I'm assuming you cannot figure this out for yourself, I shall hint your ass.
Here it is, in a nutshell (Macadamia, no...no..., filbert. That's it. Filbert.) Well, wait, I can sum it up with this old ecclesiastical proverb psalm: If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for life.
Can you decipher the hidden message? Can you figure out what I'm talking about? Can you dig it?
Fishing Lessons start Monday.
I see one distinct difference between the platforms that is being overlooked, and has been since the democrat party rose from the primordial ooze and charged the other invertebrates a tax for breathing too much air. Without whipping it out and/or slapping your face with it or making any kind of big deal about it at all, I will tell you what it is. Obviously, I'm assuming you cannot figure this out for yourself, I shall hint your ass.
Here it is, in a nutshell (Macadamia, no...no..., filbert. That's it. Filbert.) Well, wait, I can sum it up with this old ecclesiastical proverb psalm: If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for life.
Can you decipher the hidden message? Can you figure out what I'm talking about? Can you dig it?
Fishing Lessons start Monday.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
To Whom It May Concrock
This is a warning:
The Archives have been opened!
After 18 years of being sealed tightly and locked (and buried) in multiple secret confidential locations unknown to everyone (even me), the original founding documents have been released (to me and only me, not you, not your Dad, not the media, but just me). I, and I alone have the documents and you will not be able to see them unless I let you. No amount of clearance waivers, security release forms, licenses, forcible sodomy, or water torture will gain you access to these things.
Having stated the above, and having made it abundantly clear to those who are able to read, as well as having been directly and straight-forwardly obvious as to the nature of the lack of any procedure to access the aforementioned documents by anyone other than myself, I will now describe to you my purposeful, deliberate, and intentional intentions for the trickle-down method of slowly leaking, or trickling, the information contained in said documents down to you, the general workforce and personnel units.
First, you will have to visit this site again later because I'm not going to share, or trickle, much of anything useful (there is nothing useful anyway) at this point. Note: SUBSCRIBING to this site is a great way to keep tabs on breaking, or trickling, information and changes to the site. It's very simple, the links are to the right, use them. It's idiot proof in most languages. Although English sometimes presents a challenge for us.
Secondly, the information contained in the documents may be presented in it's original form or not. For example: the title of the post may be the original document name, or, contrarily, conversely, and maybe even convexly squeezed into posts on other topics. Those cognizant of this will find the founding documents pertinent to all topics by virtue of their unimportance and dis-relationship to everything important. When used in the later manner, the documents will be sited as reference material for proving fiction to be false (which makes it true fiction, as previously discussed).
So, subscribe and stay tuned for excerpts or publication of documents such as:
The Mistake
The Origin of Broke
225 Horses are Bound to Kick Something
The Great Amoeba Controversy
CLOCKS and Other Miscellaneous Items of Question
File #23: Shackleford
File #72: Flabbershack and Co.
The Anatomy of a Lint Ball
--Countless P.T.B.F.O.s---
...and much more.
The Archives have been opened!
After 18 years of being sealed tightly and locked (and buried) in multiple secret confidential locations unknown to everyone (even me), the original founding documents have been released (to me and only me, not you, not your Dad, not the media, but just me). I, and I alone have the documents and you will not be able to see them unless I let you. No amount of clearance waivers, security release forms, licenses, forcible sodomy, or water torture will gain you access to these things.
Having stated the above, and having made it abundantly clear to those who are able to read, as well as having been directly and straight-forwardly obvious as to the nature of the lack of any procedure to access the aforementioned documents by anyone other than myself, I will now describe to you my purposeful, deliberate, and intentional intentions for the trickle-down method of slowly leaking, or trickling, the information contained in said documents down to you, the general workforce and personnel units.
First, you will have to visit this site again later because I'm not going to share, or trickle, much of anything useful (there is nothing useful anyway) at this point. Note: SUBSCRIBING to this site is a great way to keep tabs on breaking, or trickling, information and changes to the site. It's very simple, the links are to the right, use them. It's idiot proof in most languages. Although English sometimes presents a challenge for us.
Secondly, the information contained in the documents may be presented in it's original form or not. For example: the title of the post may be the original document name, or, contrarily, conversely, and maybe even convexly squeezed into posts on other topics. Those cognizant of this will find the founding documents pertinent to all topics by virtue of their unimportance and dis-relationship to everything important. When used in the later manner, the documents will be sited as reference material for proving fiction to be false (which makes it true fiction, as previously discussed).
So, subscribe and stay tuned for excerpts or publication of documents such as:
The Mistake
The Origin of Broke
225 Horses are Bound to Kick Something
The Great Amoeba Controversy
CLOCKS and Other Miscellaneous Items of Question
File #23: Shackleford
File #72: Flabbershack and Co.
The Anatomy of a Lint Ball
--Countless P.T.B.F.O.s---
...and much more.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Top 9 Reasons Why This is Not a Top 10 List
1) There are only nine reasons on the list.
2) Top 10 lists are popular.
3) Top 10 list are popular because you all have short attention spans. This list is better because it's shorter. That's why it's shorter; to make it better.
4) Earlier this year, Congress passed a law that changed the qualifications for list-making. Before the law, it only took two items to be considered a list. Now, it takes more than two. That means it could take three, or four, or 2.1. In protest to this new law, and governments intrusion into the list list business, we refuse to create lists with an even number of items.
5) There is no "10" in a hexadecimal numbering system.
6) We love you.
7) When Ones and Zeros get together, they tear sh*t up.
8) Have you ever heard of a "Top Nine List"?
9) See number 10.
2) Top 10 lists are popular.
3) Top 10 list are popular because you all have short attention spans. This list is better because it's shorter. That's why it's shorter; to make it better.
4) Earlier this year, Congress passed a law that changed the qualifications for list-making. Before the law, it only took two items to be considered a list. Now, it takes more than two. That means it could take three, or four, or 2.1. In protest to this new law, and governments intrusion into the list list business, we refuse to create lists with an even number of items.
5) There is no "10" in a hexadecimal numbering system.
6) We love you.
7) When Ones and Zeros get together, they tear sh*t up.
8) Have you ever heard of a "Top Nine List"?
9) See number 10.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Hey Captain! You Suck at Rummy!
Whoa! I'm finally back. I don't have much time as I am still being debriefed. (It has as much to do with pant-removal as it does spewing forth information).
I know you are all wondering where I've been for the past month. I am also fairly certain that everything has fallen into chaos without your fearless, honorable, handsome and modest leader. I assure you I will restore order around here once this is all over.
As you do not know, I was sailing in the Sea of Cortez in mid-July. Things went horribly wrong. Ladies and Gentlemen, you had better be sitting down for this: I was abducted by pirates. That's right. I would not doubt if they were aliens too, but definitely pirates. I cannot begin to describe the atrocities that I suffered at the hands of these barbarians. Well, maybe I could.
I was forced to play rummy for at least three hours. There was no cell service or Internet. They did have satellite TV, but just one channel, GOL-TV, soccer 24/7. I asked how they got that service. They told me it was pirated. Duh.
The one guy (I called him the Captain because of the hook) was so arrogant and demeaning that I contemplated making fun of his wooden leg, but I didn't. He claims that he beat me at rummy every time. He refuses to see that 5, 8, Jack is not a lay-downable set.
I still haven't processed the whole ordeal. Just writing about it brings the horror right back. I don't think I can continue. Please understand that I will come out of this experience stronger and more knowledgeable about soccer than ever before. And, if I ever meet the Captain again.......It's Rummy by the Rules!!
I still don't think they have a clue who they were messing with. Please refer to a previous post for our Pirate Policy.
I know you are all wondering where I've been for the past month. I am also fairly certain that everything has fallen into chaos without your fearless, honorable, handsome and modest leader. I assure you I will restore order around here once this is all over.
As you do not know, I was sailing in the Sea of Cortez in mid-July. Things went horribly wrong. Ladies and Gentlemen, you had better be sitting down for this: I was abducted by pirates. That's right. I would not doubt if they were aliens too, but definitely pirates. I cannot begin to describe the atrocities that I suffered at the hands of these barbarians. Well, maybe I could.
I was forced to play rummy for at least three hours. There was no cell service or Internet. They did have satellite TV, but just one channel, GOL-TV, soccer 24/7. I asked how they got that service. They told me it was pirated. Duh.
The one guy (I called him the Captain because of the hook) was so arrogant and demeaning that I contemplated making fun of his wooden leg, but I didn't. He claims that he beat me at rummy every time. He refuses to see that 5, 8, Jack is not a lay-downable set.
I still haven't processed the whole ordeal. Just writing about it brings the horror right back. I don't think I can continue. Please understand that I will come out of this experience stronger and more knowledgeable about soccer than ever before. And, if I ever meet the Captain again.......It's Rummy by the Rules!!
I still don't think they have a clue who they were messing with. Please refer to a previous post for our Pirate Policy.
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