Have You Checked the Government's Credit Score Lately?

I have. It's not good. I'm starting to rethink my lending practices.

When I started paying into the social security system, I checked a few references and made Uncle Sam fill out a net worth statement. I weighed the government's debt-to-income ratio. I even pulled Equifax AND TransUnion reports on them. It wasn't good then, but I ignored it in the interest of fairness. I mean, doesn't everyone have the right to take money directly out of mypaycheck and use it for whatever they wish?

Now, however, in the wake of a lending crunch (tater chips), I'm cancelling the open line of credit I've extended to the feds. I'm fairly certain that I'm not going to get my money back voluntarily.

As the incredibly talented (and young, and handsome, and intelligent, and modest) CEO of an uber-successful fake corporation, you can imagine how much money I actually bring home. Well, that may not be true. It is an obscene and possibly unfathomable number. Not to mention, I have been skimming some off the top for years now, plus, I have a massive "golden parachute" and a stock portfolio that could choke a big fat stock portfolio eater. Over the course of my illustrious career, $1(insert a whole bunch of zeros) has been seized from my paychecks for my government-mandated government-managed retirement account also know as "social security".

Since I make sick money, and since the government has already spent what they confiscated from me, I'll never see a dime of it back. Where I come from, that's called "default". The government is a deadbeat street thief. It's time to cut them loose and call in the note.

I've already sent three letters. One letter was a "friendly reminder" stating that " perhaps you have overlooked your bill" and asking them to "please call my office to make payment arrangements". No response. Another was a bit more stern. Something like "your account is past due" and "if your payment is not submitted within ten business days, your account may be reported to credit agencies". No response. The third letter was very brief; "Your refusal to respond has left me no choice but to pursue action against your physical well-being". I'm sending Veto and Murray out the Washington to break some legs.

I can't even get them to give me some lame excuse. Hey governement! See this for some good excuses.

Road Kill: Survival of the Fittest or Revival of the Mammoth?

We're not all about the profits here at Crock, Inc. We do believe in being good stewards of the earth. We, like you, are very concerned with the health of the environment and the well-being of our animal friends with whom we share our planet.

For the past seven years our research and destruction team has been researching the destruction of armadillo along Missouri roadways. Their findings may surprise you. Well, let's be honest. The bulk of you may be surprised to learn that there are armadillos to destroy along Missouri roadways. I was shocked too.

It is true. The mid-western roadways of the central portion of eastern Missouri do indeed run through armadillo territory. No one can say for certain which came first. Some evidence suggests that these lovable armored creatures may have migrated here after the industrial revolution of the central portion of eastern Missouri (1992). At any rate, during the seven year study, the frequency of armadillo road kill incidents increased from 4 in 2001 to more than 400 in 2008. That's like a million percent increase or something.

The evidence overwhelmingly points to a healthy and thriving population of armadillos in this region. Though it may also simultaneously suggest too yet as well that these creatures suck at crossing the road, it nevertheless proves that the armadillo population is on the rise.

Or does it mean that there is more traffic now? Or does it mean that evil operatives have been targeting these animals with their automobiles? The study didn't really take it into account. Actually, we ended the study after one Crock researcher and destructor made a very valid point.

He asked, "Over the past seven years, how many Woolly Mammoth carcasses have been discovered slain by vehicles along the mid-western roadways of the central portion of eastern Missouri?"

Of course, the answer is; none. He continued, "If we found a fresh woolly mammoth road kill today in this area, wouldn't it indicate that the woolly mammoth population must have been greater than we thought prior to the road kill?"

Considering that we were 100% certain that there were zero mammoth left, we had to agree. Study complete.

What did we learn? If we all pitch in and help, we truly can make a difference. The planet needs you. You can start today. Please join Crock, Inc. in conjunction with The National Society of Crazies to help, not just armadillos, but squirrels, opossum, peacock, ostrich, and even woolly mammoth co-exist and thrive in a world of fast-moving automobiles. Here's how you can help:

When you're out driving around in your SUV for no good reason, look for opportunities. Each time you see an animal cross the road, consider speeding up and hitting the creature. Imagine the possibilities? If you hit enough of a certain species, you will (as proven by our seven year study) increase the known population of that particular species. Remember, if you run down just one woolly mammoth, you will have single-handedly brought back these majestic and docile mammals from extinction.

Please visit The NSC website for more information.

Fishing Lessons

So I watched both the DNC and the RNC. I studied and followed the coverage on the liberal networks and the normal one too (and even on the radio, shut your mouth).

I see one distinct difference between the platforms that is being overlooked, and has been since the democrat party rose from the primordial ooze and charged the other invertebrates a tax for breathing too much air. Without whipping it out and/or slapping your face with it or making any kind of big deal about it at all, I will tell you what it is. Obviously, I'm assuming you cannot figure this out for yourself, I shall hint your ass.

Here it is, in a nutshell (Macadamia, no...no..., filbert. That's it. Filbert.) Well, wait, I can sum it up with this old ecclesiastical proverb psalm: If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for life.

Can you decipher the hidden message? Can you figure out what I'm talking about? Can you dig it?

Fishing Lessons start Monday.

To Whom It May Concrock

This is a warning:

The Archives have been opened!

After 18 years of being sealed tightly and locked (and buried) in multiple secret confidential locations unknown to everyone (even me), the original founding documents have been released (to me and only me, not you, not your Dad, not the media, but just me). I, and I alone have the documents and you will not be able to see them unless I let you. No amount of clearance waivers, security release forms, licenses, forcible sodomy, or water torture will gain you access to these things.

Having stated the above, and having made it abundantly clear to those who are able to read, as well as having been directly and straight-forwardly obvious as to the nature of the lack of any procedure to access the aforementioned documents by anyone other than myself, I will now describe to you my purposeful, deliberate, and intentional intentions for the trickle-down method of slowly leaking, or trickling, the information contained in said documents down to you, the general workforce and personnel units.

First, you will have to visit this site again later because I'm not going to share, or trickle, much of anything useful (there is nothing useful anyway) at this point. Note: SUBSCRIBING to this site is a great way to keep tabs on breaking, or trickling, information and changes to the site. It's very simple, the links are to the right, use them. It's idiot proof in most languages. Although English sometimes presents a challenge for us.

Secondly, the information contained in the documents may be presented in it's original form or not. For example: the title of the post may be the original document name, or, contrarily, conversely, and maybe even convexly squeezed into posts on other topics. Those cognizant of this will find the founding documents pertinent to all topics by virtue of their unimportance and dis-relationship to everything important. When used in the later manner, the documents will be sited as reference material for proving fiction to be false (which makes it true fiction, as previously discussed).

So, subscribe and stay tuned for excerpts or publication of documents such as:

The Mistake
The Origin of Broke
225 Horses are Bound to Kick Something
The Great Amoeba Controversy
CLOCKS and Other Miscellaneous Items of Question
File #23: Shackleford
File #72: Flabbershack and Co.
The Anatomy of a Lint Ball
--Countless P.T.B.F.O.s---
...and much more.

Top 9 Reasons Why This is Not a Top 10 List

1) There are only nine reasons on the list.

2) Top 10 lists are popular.

3) Top 10 list are popular because you all have short attention spans. This list is better because it's shorter. That's why it's shorter; to make it better.

4) Earlier this year, Congress passed a law that changed the qualifications for list-making. Before the law, it only took two items to be considered a list. Now, it takes more than two. That means it could take three, or four, or 2.1. In protest to this new law, and governments intrusion into the list list business, we refuse to create lists with an even number of items.

5) There is no "10" in a hexadecimal numbering system.

6) We love you.

7) When Ones and Zeros get together, they tear sh*t up.

8) Have you ever heard of a "Top Nine List"?

9) See number 10.